So just a few minutes ago I was driving home from my first anthropology test. The last 5 or 6 days of my life have been spent making note cards, studying them, studying them some more, and when I felt like I knew it well enough, of course my perfectionist mind told me to study some more…or else. Or else what? I wouldn’t do as good as I could if I devoted another hour of study to the material? Doubtful. I wouldn’t be able to say I gave it my absolute best? Nope. The truth of the matter is that I fear getting anything less then perfect…and to me perfect is an A. Thus, if I didn’t study that extra hour, and came out with a B or worse, well whose fault is that? Mine of course. Never does this fleshly mind of mine even consider that the test could be hard. That maybe the material I’m studying doesn’t contain one of the test question answers within it. Or maybe no matter how many hours I committed to studying, I just did not have the ability to understand a portion of the material presented. The reasons for a lack of success on this test are numerous, and yet the only reason for any score less then perfect, in my mind, is me.
I know this is the story of sin in my life over and over again…never feeling good enough. Never feeling like I can measure up to this standard. This standard that at one point may have been held by my parents for me, but now is completely something I bring upon myself. Whether that be academically, physically, intellectually, ministry wise, etc, its like that stupid little voice echoes between my ears from the moment my feet the floor to the moment my eyes shut, day after day. Well, I have had enough. I refuse to continue to allow satan to bring distraction, stress, and destruction upon my life anymore, even in these small areas like an anthropology test.
This is the thing…if I studied hard, in obedience to serving the Lord as a student (which is what He has called me to for this season of my life) and took this test and got something less then perfect, would I allow that to define me? Does a letter on a piece of paper tell me whether or not I’m good enough? Is this what I allow to measure my worth? I think that most of my life I have been a slave to my grades, to this perfectionist mindset. Maybe at times, it has been less evident because other sin has masked over it in my life, but at this point, as I continually am being refined by the Creator, I am seeing more and more how significant and destructive these small areas of pride are affecting me and my devotion to the Lord.
Today I realized that this constant, ceaseless drive somewhere in me to perform well, to look all put together on the outside, to be the best…in the end, what does it matter? REALLY, what does one grade on one test, one grade in one class even matter when you compare it to eternity with Christ??? Now I am not saying I need to quit studying or working hard in school…I’m not saying my time at college doesn’t matter…I know this is the job the Lord’s given me and that I’m bringing Him glory in pursuing it and doing well, HOWEVER, when I sit here and think about how stressed out I have been the past few days, how the battle in my mind was heightened a few notches, how I have experienced zero peace, even when I’m resting, how my relationships have suffered, how I haven’t received much from the Word as I read it, how I have walked around defeated. Sin ALWAYS separates us from the Father…it creates this wall. And surely striving to do well on this one test doesn’t create this 30 foot wall between He and I instantaneously, but a few layers of bricks have been laid down. Next week when I have another test, a few more will pile up. You get the picture. Not to mention, that even with those few layers of bricks, I can see the effects they have had, that this idol in my life, has had upon me and my intimacy with Christ.
I refuse to continue to put grades higher then Jesus. As crazy as that sounds to me, even typing it, that is what I’m doing. I am essentially saying, ‘Lord, I’m sorry but I know that I will never measure up unless I get an A on this test, so I have to put everything else aside to prepare for it and nothing is more important then it. I’ll spend an hour in your Word this morning, (“putting you first”) but the whole time all I will think about is how stressed I am how much I have to do and how much more I could get done if I didn’t have to read your Word right now or if I put it off til later.” Ironically, if I were really reading the Word of God and open to receiving what the Lord had to say to me before now, I would be reading about who I am in Christ…about how I am called before I was even a day old with a purpose and plan for my life. I would feel His words of love, mercy, grace, and peace flowing over every part of my body. I would understand and BELIEVE that who I am is a daughter of the most High King who has a perfect and beautiful plan for my life and His opinion is ultimately the only one that matters. I would stop looking to the faces of everyone else, of ink on a piece of paper to tell me if I am pretty enough, smart enough, perfect enough…I would start to understand a different book of black and white ink that says it is NOT even possible for me to ever be good enough…and God knew that long before He made me…so He so graciously gave His Son for me to experience the fullness of life with Him. Jesus fills the gap between my imperfection and lack of goodness and the holiness and perfectness of my Heavenly Father. Apart from Christ, I am NOTHING but a sick nasty sinner. How prideful I am to even think that getting an A on this test could change that or bring some sense of satisfaction inside of me that seems to have me convinced I am anything of worth apart from my Creator.
The Word says, “Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…” Rom 12:2. This got me thinking...here I am walking around stressed out about school, overwhelmed, anxious, prideful, worried about what everyone else thinks, with no sense of peace or joy in my life, reaching to attain this measure of success in my life. It made me ask myself, if this is what my life is, then how does that make me look any different from the girl sitting next to me in class who doesn’t have a relationship with Christ? Truth be told, it doesn’t. The Word says we are not to conform to the world…rather, we are to be light in the darkness. And I have seen a heightened extent of that darkness on this college campus. But my life this past week had no glow about it, I just went along, blending into the rest of the darkness around me. That’s the other problem with putting grades so high that I stress out, with trying to manipulate them to build this false sense of worth…it makes me look like everyone else. And I know that the righteousness of Christ lives in me, the SAME power that conquered the grave LIVES in me…that means I should really look nothing like anyone else you know.
The second part of that verse says BUT, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. So I asked myself, how do I allow the Lord to transform my mind. Instantly I think, well through time with Him and His Word of course. And what is the first place that the enemy attacked this week through this stress…my time in the Word! Even when I spent time in it, getting little tastes of it, it was like I just couldn’t digest anything I read. Praise God that His Word is LIFE to my whole being!
"His divine power has given us everything we need for a life of godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through these He has given us a very great and precious promise, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." - 2 Peter 1:3-4
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
The Father's Love for My Daddy
While I was in Australia this past summer, God did some incredible things in my own life, but one of the most significant moments in my time there, was when He spoke to me about my dad. Going into this trip, I had just come out of a very challenging season of my life and was still battling some lies and working though some deep hurts. Some of this hurt had been a result of my dad. I knew in my heart that I hated him and as much as i didn't want to, I didn't know how to stop seeing him the way I did. One night when we were in the aboriginal village, my project director spoke to us on the topic of forgiveness, or a lack there of. She said two things that night that have never left me. She started off with a chain (unforgiveness) around her waist, talking about how often times, we have this big breakthrough of forgiving someone and we feel like its finally done...we've forgiven them as Christ so graciously forgave us. The chain falls to the ground, no longer entangling us! But then a few days, weeks, months go by and that person, sinful nature and all, hurt us again. This creates confusion because we already forgave them right? So how could we be struggling with their hurt again, if we know for sure that through Christ we forgave once? She continues to paint this picture by pointing to the broken chain at her feet...she says that though that chain of unforgiveness is no longer around her waist, it is just sitting there, right next to her, simply waiting to be picked back up again. How easy is it for us to do just that....to forgive, get hurt again, and just reach down and grab that chain, wrap it around us again. I know that has been the story of my life when it comes to forgiveness with my dad. I forgive, chains fall off, then I slowly let him back into my life, he hurts me again, and I just reach down and grab that chain...its safe, its all I know to do since thats what I've been doing for years. It makes total sense. But what then, does that mean? How in the world do I experience hurt from him after already forgiving him time and time again, without reaching right down for that chain every time? Well, she went on to explain that we need to learn to seperate the person from the offense. This was a crazy concept to me, something I feel like I had kind of heard at some point, but never understood it the way I did in this moment. She explained that if you believe the Word of God, then you know that Jesus died for our sins, thus He even died for that offense...right? So, really, I have NO right whatsoever to be mad at my dad for hurting me, because really it is even about me...its about his offense against the Lord, and that is something that God will deal with...but for me to say that I hate my dad for this offense, isn't even an option really, because the offense is covered by the blood...so if I am mad about the offense, its like saying I'm mad at Christ, or like His blood was enough for most sin, but not for my dad. Which is a total lie from the pits of hell. So anyway, I started working out this Truth in my head and really got to the point over that week where I understood....it was liek the Lord gave me this image in my head with the chain and the sperating of offense from the offender.
We got back to Sydney later that week and I was having a quiet time, just like any other day, but this day I wasn't really focused on the Word, I felt like I was just totally being attacked in my mind and distracted. I began asking the Lord to just reveal to me what it was in my mind and heart that was keeping me coming into His Word with the ability to recieve it and to make a really long story a bit shorter, He began speaking to me about my dad. About unforgiveness, about past hurts, about prayer. That morning, God broke my heart for my earthly father in a way I had never experienced. This was definately not something I was even looking for either...I mean I had a list of things I wanted to see God do in my time in Autralia, and this wasn't one of them. Yet in His beautiful sovergeinty and perfect timing, He knew far better then I ever could have imagined what He had planned. Begining that morning, I began praying for my dad in a way I never had.
I retunred home to the states and life got crazy and confusing for me for a good month. Despite this, the one thing that remained constant was time on my knees praying for my dad. I mean there were times when I wouldn't even get in the Word for days in a row, but it was the craziest thing, for some reason I found myself on my knees intervening on his behalf. This made no sense to me, because in my flesh, it was the absolute last thing I wanted to do.
Well, as I was preparing to leave for college, my siblings had a little get-together to get to spend some time together as a family and say goodbye for a little while anyway. I hadt seen my dad or talked to him much since being home from Australia, but the day before this gathering, he called me to make sure I would be there. Instantly, I knew that I wasn't talking to my dad...I was talking to the alcoholism that had once again taken over his life. The slurr of his words and the repition of his thoughts, made it clear to me that he was a long ways down a road that was only leading to death. I remember hanging up the phone after that conversation and just breaking down in my car in the Wal-Mart Parking Lot. I was so mad at God. I did not understand what He was trying to do to me...here I am spending hours and hours praying for this man and all I see is how much worse things are getting, and fast. I hated my dad so much and doubting God became a huge struggle for me. Later that night, I remember crying out to the Lord asking Him to make tomorrow a sweet day with my familiy, not allowing my dad to ruin it.
I didn't know the whole story at the time, but that night after hanging up with me, my dad had passed out on the floor and would be unconcouis through the night. When he woke up the next morning, he crawled over to the cabinent where he kept his bottle of Vo and proceeded to drink the entire bottle stragiht up. He should have been dead by this point, but PRAISE GOD He had another plan. My dad called my brother in law to come get him and take him to the hospital because he was feeling sick. Eventually we all fund out what was really going on, and my dad was taken to a detox program. The day withe my family was sweet, and as difficult as it was to know how bad things had gotten with dad, I think we all breathed a little sigh of releif that for the next 21 days he would be safe and we didnt have to worry.
I left for school and shortly came to find out that my dad had left rehab because there weren't enough beds for him. I was really discouraged again, begging the Lord to just stop making this so hard for me. I knew I was in a battle alongside this man I barely knew anymore, but had no idea at the time what exactly this battle was about. I kept praying for him, laying prostrate before the Lord day after day. As the words would come out of my mouth, I really dont know how much I beleived that what I was asking Him to do, was really something He could ever do, or would ever do.
Two weeks ago I got a call from my precious sister-in-law, and we had planned on catching up on this day and so I picked up the phone, so excited to get to talk to her, having no idea how this conversation would shake everything I knew in a way that I cannot fit into words. She explained to me that on that past Sunday, my dad had showed up at the church where she and my brother go. At this point, he didn't have a phone because he couldn't afford it, so he just decided to come I supposse. He sat throught he serive and afterwards, my bro and sis left but my dad ended up sticking around and talking to this guy, Ed. Now Ed had known my dad's story for a while, and had been praying for him for quite some time. Ed had once lived a life very similar to the one my dad was now consumed in. Whatever Ed had to say, my dad must have just really clicked with him. Ed started talking to my dad about Christiantity, about how God had changed his life. He basiclly laid out the gospel for him. That afternoon, sitting there talking with this sweet man, my dad gave his life to the LORD!
Tears still fall onto my cheeks everytime I try to even wrap my mind around the SOVEREIGNTY of this God who so graciously calls me His own. Ahhhhhhh I just don't know why I ever doubt Him?!? Whyyy? He has NEVER, not one time, left me down. There has NEVER, not one time, been a time when His ways have not been higher then mine, when His plans have not been better then what I could come up with. I mean He is GOD and I am me....oh how different our lives would be if we just even began to understand and remember this!
How humbling, that the God of the Universe, who spoke and breathed LIFE into the earth, that this very same God would hear the cries of my heart, would tell me to get on my knees and pray, day after day, would tell me to do it again, after I got mad at Him for not answering me, would tell me to do it again when things only worsened, would comfort me when I was hurt by the situation, would so graciously continue to hear me, when I told Him how much I hated Him. And how He would ANSWER ME, when I didn't beleive He even could.
Lord, all I can say is YOUR WAYS ARE ALWAYS HIGHER THEN MINE. And I am so deeply humbled to even get to come to you in prayer, to get to know you through your Word, to get to meet with you in the secret place. God thank you for allowing me to be your servant, for being my Daddy.
In the past 2 weeks, I have finally gotten to talk to my dad and hear what God is doing in His life from Him... I have been brought to tears in every one of those converstions. Man, do we serve a God who does the IMPOSSIBLE! I've also gotten to hear about it from my siblings who have all spent some time around this man that they say I won't even recgonize...inside or out. Ed is meeting with my dad often, walking beside Him on this journey, discipling Him in the Word and teaching Him about this increible God who brought Him from death in LIFE!
I am so incredibly humbled that the Lord even allowed me to be apart of this whole process. I am so incredibly thankful to get to know this new man my dad has become in Christ. I am so increibly blessed that I get to walk through this journey with him, to get to know the real him, the man that the Lord created, and that the Lord has only given us a glimpse of His plans and purpose for dad's life. Praise God for healing and restoration, for His unfathomable LOVE and new Mercies every morning. Praise God for saving us from the brink of death,when death is all we deserve, He gave His SON so that we may have LIFE, and LIFE to the full!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Life in Fayetteville
Well, I am finally begining to get into a sort of routine here in Fayetteville. Classes are great and I still have a lot of down time during the week which has been a huge blessing to get to spend some extra time in the Word and just trying to get ahead in my online classes. This past week I interviewed for two incredible job oppurtunities and am just praying about which to take and waiting to hear a few details from each. Both of them are totally God-ordained and I am so excieted! More to come about that :)
One really crazy thing about being here is the wide array of ministry oppurtunities between campus ministries as well as ministry at the new church I have plugged into called New Heights. I have a tendancy to want to be apart of everything and give all I have and just have a huge heart to learn ad serve which is such a blessing o course, but it also is an easy way for me to over-committ to too much and spread myself so thin that I am really not conributing to any one ministry effectively but just sort of bouncing aound from one to the next. In order to prevent this, I decided early on I would have to really listen to the Lord in what specific ministries He was calling me to. Thanks to the wisdom of one of my roomates, I sat down and made a list of every oppurtunity ministry-wise that I was intersted in. I also spent a few days last week meeting with the leadership of two on campus ministries, one church ministry, and one other random ministry. After a lot of prayer and direction from the Lord, I have decided to committ to two different ministries this week. The first is through my church, New Heights, and it is called Potter's House. It is baiscally a ministry to under-privaliged inner-city youth of Fayetteville. Specifically, I will be helping to tudor several kids during the week as well as getting to spend one-on-one time outside of Potter's House with a couple girls and am praying more about leading a small group of Potter's House girls every sunday afternoon. This is an incredibible ministry with a vision to see these kids that come from messed up homes with a lot of odds against them come to know Christ and through that hope and guidance of the Word see them experience all that life is intended to be- acedemically, relationally, and most importantly, personally. The second ministry that I have committed to is called K-Life. One of my sweet sweet friends from home, Lauren Hunter, connected me with the couple leading K-Life in Fayetteville and after meeting with Abbie this week, I knew this was exactly where the Lord was calling me. The idea of K-Life is a lot like ZOE, a ministry I have been involved in the past few years back home. K-Life creates small groups for middle school and high school students in the Fayetteville area which meet every Tuesday night. I will get to lead a few girls in one of those groups and just pour into their lives and learn through them I'm sure! I am so excited about this because I have seen the fruit of oldr women pouring into my life over and over agian and I feel equipped and excited to finally be at the point in my life where I can do the same into younger girls lives.
Besides these two ministries, I have the Lightbearers Discipleship program every week for a few hours and then some sweet time set aside with my roomates once a week as well. I am praying about getting involved in a women's bible study/small group at this point. I am also sooo blessed to have an awesome accountability partner/mentor through Lightbearers and we will also be meeting weekly and digging into the Word!
Today I went to church for early service and got to sit with my new freind from my run the park last week and her husband! I am excited to get to spend more time with Earlene and I am truly blown away by the Lord's faithfulness in just getting to meet her and now how He is just opening the doors to get to spend more time with her on a regular basis running and just haging out with other college kids at events Earlene and her husband put together! What a beautiful story of His provision and faithfulness!
Here are a few pictures of my apartment and room.....
One really crazy thing about being here is the wide array of ministry oppurtunities between campus ministries as well as ministry at the new church I have plugged into called New Heights. I have a tendancy to want to be apart of everything and give all I have and just have a huge heart to learn ad serve which is such a blessing o course, but it also is an easy way for me to over-committ to too much and spread myself so thin that I am really not conributing to any one ministry effectively but just sort of bouncing aound from one to the next. In order to prevent this, I decided early on I would have to really listen to the Lord in what specific ministries He was calling me to. Thanks to the wisdom of one of my roomates, I sat down and made a list of every oppurtunity ministry-wise that I was intersted in. I also spent a few days last week meeting with the leadership of two on campus ministries, one church ministry, and one other random ministry. After a lot of prayer and direction from the Lord, I have decided to committ to two different ministries this week. The first is through my church, New Heights, and it is called Potter's House. It is baiscally a ministry to under-privaliged inner-city youth of Fayetteville. Specifically, I will be helping to tudor several kids during the week as well as getting to spend one-on-one time outside of Potter's House with a couple girls and am praying more about leading a small group of Potter's House girls every sunday afternoon. This is an incredibible ministry with a vision to see these kids that come from messed up homes with a lot of odds against them come to know Christ and through that hope and guidance of the Word see them experience all that life is intended to be- acedemically, relationally, and most importantly, personally. The second ministry that I have committed to is called K-Life. One of my sweet sweet friends from home, Lauren Hunter, connected me with the couple leading K-Life in Fayetteville and after meeting with Abbie this week, I knew this was exactly where the Lord was calling me. The idea of K-Life is a lot like ZOE, a ministry I have been involved in the past few years back home. K-Life creates small groups for middle school and high school students in the Fayetteville area which meet every Tuesday night. I will get to lead a few girls in one of those groups and just pour into their lives and learn through them I'm sure! I am so excited about this because I have seen the fruit of oldr women pouring into my life over and over agian and I feel equipped and excited to finally be at the point in my life where I can do the same into younger girls lives.
Besides these two ministries, I have the Lightbearers Discipleship program every week for a few hours and then some sweet time set aside with my roomates once a week as well. I am praying about getting involved in a women's bible study/small group at this point. I am also sooo blessed to have an awesome accountability partner/mentor through Lightbearers and we will also be meeting weekly and digging into the Word!
Today I went to church for early service and got to sit with my new freind from my run the park last week and her husband! I am excited to get to spend more time with Earlene and I am truly blown away by the Lord's faithfulness in just getting to meet her and now how He is just opening the doors to get to spend more time with her on a regular basis running and just haging out with other college kids at events Earlene and her husband put together! What a beautiful story of His provision and faithfulness!
Last night I got to go to my very first Razorbacks game with my sweet roomate Heather and her family. It was defiantely pretty intense but so fun...defiantely a nessecary college expereince! I even learned how to "call the hogs" which is interesting to say the least :)
More to come about all the Lord's been teaching me and a few crazy things He is doing within my family!
Here are a few pictures of my apartment and room.....
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
His Ways Are Higher
I literally was meditating on all the times I'd doubted Him before and how every time He blew my mind with His provision and just how it's always better then anything I could try to "figure out" in my own strength which is always my tendency to try to do, when this woman running in front of me slows down. She turns around a couple times to look and me and smiles. I really didnt think anything of it until I look up to see here looking back at me, this time she was trying to say something. As I stumbled for the volume control on my i-pod, I was thinking to myself how I just wanted more time with the Lord, kind of annoyed that she was bothering me. As has always been true in the past, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isa. 55:9.
I caught up to her and she started asking me about my running history...how long I'd been doing it, how many races I'd run, etc. This led into what I was doing here in Fayetteville and I explained to her how I came down to go to the U of A, nothing more. I'm not really sure if it's just the fact that I live in the "bible belt" now and this is just normal or if this was just the hand of God from the start, but I'm leaning tword the latter. She asked me where I go to church. I explained that I actually just moved here and am still looking for a church. She said well, I would love to invite you to come to my church...it's called New Heights. Well it turns out New Heights was actually the first church on my list to check out becuase two of my roomates go there! I told her that and she asked me who they were, but she didn't know either of them. One of my roomates is Kelly and when I mentioned her name, this woman said she didn't know her but she did know a "really tall Kelli with curly brown hair that played volleyball for the U of A"....well right away in my heart I was just blown away by the Lord already. As I explained to her, this Kelli is actually one of the few girls I know here in Fayetteville b/c her family goes to my church back home and her mom, Terri has been leading the women's bible study and summer study I've been in this past year and has just played a signifacant role in my life both teaching and encouaraging me spiritually. If this wasn't crazy enough, she goes on to ask me if I know one other girl, and I should preface this by saying that out of 20,000 students at the U of A, I literally know two girls who go there and of course the next name she says is do you know Dani? And it just so happens I met Dani this past winter when she came to STL to speak at a missions day with me at my church b/c of a connection through Terri, Kelli's mom. We both spoke of our upcoming summer missions trips and asked the women to support us financially. That was the only time I met Dani and how crazy that here I am months later, running in the middle of the woods in Fayetteville, AR at some random park talking to this woman I just met, yet feeling as if I have known her for years. We kept running together and talking for the next couple miles. She asked me in detail about how I got here and I explained the crazy story of how the Lord brought me to Fayetteville. We talk about Lightbearers, the discipleship program I'm in and of course she knew a bunch of people involved with this ministry. We started talking about how I was looking for a job and she just turned and looked me and smiled that smile that basically says "well, sweetheart, you've come to the right place!" She went to tell me how just yeasterday she heard of the perfect job opening that would be right up my alley. We kept talking and I was just completely blown away by the Lord's answer to my prayer.
He doesn't always work that quickly, but man do I doubt His sovereignty sometimes. He showed me how I realyl just take for granted the fact that He is GOD! He can do whatever He wants, whenever He wants. His word says that if we simply lay our cause before Him, He will perform miracles and wonders our minds cannot even comprehend! Why don't I always come to Him in prayer laying my cause before Him, not just beliving He hears me but EXPECTING to see His provision. Yesterday I was reading in Genesis about Abraham walking up the mountain to sacrafice His son Issac and eventually he finds out that it was just a test from the Lord of his obedience and the Lord had put a ram up there to sacrafice instead but the Lord just gave me this picture of how literally as Abraham is walking up the one side of this mountain with his son to sacrafice, the Lord already has the provision, this ram, walking up the other side of the mountain. So often we forget, or I do anyway, that even when I just seem to be treking up this never ending trail, confused, doubtful, alone with no end in sight, He always has provision, the answer, wisdom, community, divine appointment, His plan, trekking up the other side. And after the test is passed, obedience prevails, in HIS perfect and most beautiful timing I get to experience His provision and just like meeting this woman (an answer to prayers just minutes prior) His ways are always better then anything I could ever think up.
Lord I thank you that you are GOD! How undeserving am I, nothing but a sinner saved by your abounding and overwhelming grace. How meaningless and hopeless my life is apart from YOU!
As the trail came to an end and we reached the cars, we exchanged numbers and agreed to look for oneanother at church. She hugged me goodbye, (despite our gross sweaty clothes) and I know this is just the begining of a beautiful relationship between this sweet godly woman and myself. Though I have no clue how it may play out, one thing I do know....as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts! Isa. 55:9.
So glad I went running this morning! :)
Monday, August 23, 2010
Becoming a Razorback
Well, here I am after surviving my first day as an Arkansas Razorback at THE U of A. I was told that you can't just say I go to "U of A" but rather "THE U of A." But anyhow, the past several weeks have been full of transition and craziness it seems like. Tonight has been probably the first night in a few weeks I have had no plans and gotten to enjoy relaxing!
First let's back track a bit to the past several weeks. Two weeks ago I piled all of my belongs into a U-Haul trailer and two cars and made the 5 hour drive from Wildwood, MO to my new home here in Fayetteville. My mom and Kevin came along to help me move and that was such a blessing! I could not have done it without thier help for sure. On that Friday we got me all moved in and settled. I got to meet two of my roomates and spend my very first night in my new apartment. Then the next morning I woke up and said goodbye to my mom and Kev as they headed back to STL. I also got on the road, headed the opposite direction to Conway, AR. I got to meet up with two wonderful teamates and sweet friends of mine from my time in Australia and we got to spend the day together. Justin is going to school in Conway, which is basically the half-way mark b/tw Emily and I so she came and met me there. We helped Justin move into his dorm, making fun of some of the halrious things in his possession as he unpacked everything! We had wonderful lunch togeter full of sweet conversations of all the Lord had been doing in each of our lives over the past months and weeks. Then we headed back to campus and hung out a while more until it was time to go and then I followed Emily to her hometown in Jonesboro, AR where I got to spend the night at her place. This time together was so precious and much needed! We stayed up way too late just getting to catch up and talk about how incredble our God and just getting to encourage one another in our walks. It was a beautiful time I would not trade for anything. The next morning I got to wake up and go to church with Emily to a precious church where her dad is pastor. I was blessed to learn from Em as she taught the youth prior to the service as well. Just seeing the unity among the body in this small town was such a beautiful thing to me. Everyone, no matter how different or how alike, just seemed like family and the love in that place was unmistakable. After a deliciouis lunch with the Emily and her family I was back on the road once again, headed home to STL.
It was really a weird thing coming home. I felt like I just went on this little vacation and now I was going back home just like normal. However, soon enough I would realize the next time I returned to AR, it would be my new home!
Upon arriving home I spent the next four days/nights going going going non-stop. We had our last college bible study with the Cosseys which is something I am going to miss dearly. Then on Monday I had my last day of nannying my precious boys and it was sooo difficult to say goodbye....Cole, the younger of the two boys, was so sweet. About 45mins after I had left, he called my phone balling his eyes out that I was leaving and asking me to promise to come back and see him soon. Soooo precious! Despite challenges here and there, I could not have asked for a more incredible family to have spent my time with this past year and I miss them so much already.
From work I headed straight downtown with Ashley to have a "going away" dinner at Maggianos. It was delicious! I was so blessed to get to have this sweet time just to spend with Ash and talk about many different things. Afterwards, she showed me some of the thigns she and her fiancee had registered for and then we went to this amAAzing place Anthropolgie! Her favorite store that I had yet to have gone to...which is a good thing because of course I love everything in it and it is way out of my price range!! But she was all about speaking my love language that night which I sooo loved of course and she asked if she could buy me a notebook because the very first time we hung out she bought me one and would write verses in it for me to memorize and reflect upon. It really wasnt even the fact that she wanted to buy me the notebook, but the fact that she remembered that and wanted to make this night significant and special to me....she is just sooo sweet! Then I was totally thrown off (though she never lied directly) to come back to Ash's to find some very wonderful girls waiting to surprise me! As they jumped out from behind the couch I was totally caught off gaurd and blown away...for a minute the thought literally went through my head that I just ruined someone else's surprise party! It was so unexpected and usually I never fall for that kind of thing, probably b/c I am usually the one behind it! It was such a fun night of brownies, memories, and sweet friends all who have just been such an encouragement in my life. Thanks sooo much for speaking my love language Ash :)
On wednesday I spent most of the day with Ash helping her with some wedding stuff, errands, lunch with the ZOE gang at Chickfila and finished packing. Got to have one last dinner with Les before we both left the next morning to drive opposite directions across the world :( Then went to an incredible night of ZOE where we praised God i worship and learned about the Holy Spirit from Phillip. I got to say many final goodbyes, though it was still yet to hit me I was really leaving Zoe. Ash was so gracious to allow me to spend my last night in her bed, my favorite place to be! Then I woke up bright and early and began the five hr drive to Arkansas! More to come!
But you will not leave in haste or go in flight: for the LORD will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard. Isaiah 52:12
First let's back track a bit to the past several weeks. Two weeks ago I piled all of my belongs into a U-Haul trailer and two cars and made the 5 hour drive from Wildwood, MO to my new home here in Fayetteville. My mom and Kevin came along to help me move and that was such a blessing! I could not have done it without thier help for sure. On that Friday we got me all moved in and settled. I got to meet two of my roomates and spend my very first night in my new apartment. Then the next morning I woke up and said goodbye to my mom and Kev as they headed back to STL. I also got on the road, headed the opposite direction to Conway, AR. I got to meet up with two wonderful teamates and sweet friends of mine from my time in Australia and we got to spend the day together. Justin is going to school in Conway, which is basically the half-way mark b/tw Emily and I so she came and met me there. We helped Justin move into his dorm, making fun of some of the halrious things in his possession as he unpacked everything! We had wonderful lunch togeter full of sweet conversations of all the Lord had been doing in each of our lives over the past months and weeks. Then we headed back to campus and hung out a while more until it was time to go and then I followed Emily to her hometown in Jonesboro, AR where I got to spend the night at her place. This time together was so precious and much needed! We stayed up way too late just getting to catch up and talk about how incredble our God and just getting to encourage one another in our walks. It was a beautiful time I would not trade for anything. The next morning I got to wake up and go to church with Emily to a precious church where her dad is pastor. I was blessed to learn from Em as she taught the youth prior to the service as well. Just seeing the unity among the body in this small town was such a beautiful thing to me. Everyone, no matter how different or how alike, just seemed like family and the love in that place was unmistakable. After a deliciouis lunch with the Emily and her family I was back on the road once again, headed home to STL.
It was really a weird thing coming home. I felt like I just went on this little vacation and now I was going back home just like normal. However, soon enough I would realize the next time I returned to AR, it would be my new home!
Upon arriving home I spent the next four days/nights going going going non-stop. We had our last college bible study with the Cosseys which is something I am going to miss dearly. Then on Monday I had my last day of nannying my precious boys and it was sooo difficult to say goodbye....Cole, the younger of the two boys, was so sweet. About 45mins after I had left, he called my phone balling his eyes out that I was leaving and asking me to promise to come back and see him soon. Soooo precious! Despite challenges here and there, I could not have asked for a more incredible family to have spent my time with this past year and I miss them so much already.
From work I headed straight downtown with Ashley to have a "going away" dinner at Maggianos. It was delicious! I was so blessed to get to have this sweet time just to spend with Ash and talk about many different things. Afterwards, she showed me some of the thigns she and her fiancee had registered for and then we went to this amAAzing place Anthropolgie! Her favorite store that I had yet to have gone to...which is a good thing because of course I love everything in it and it is way out of my price range!! But she was all about speaking my love language that night which I sooo loved of course and she asked if she could buy me a notebook because the very first time we hung out she bought me one and would write verses in it for me to memorize and reflect upon. It really wasnt even the fact that she wanted to buy me the notebook, but the fact that she remembered that and wanted to make this night significant and special to me....she is just sooo sweet! Then I was totally thrown off (though she never lied directly) to come back to Ash's to find some very wonderful girls waiting to surprise me! As they jumped out from behind the couch I was totally caught off gaurd and blown away...for a minute the thought literally went through my head that I just ruined someone else's surprise party! It was so unexpected and usually I never fall for that kind of thing, probably b/c I am usually the one behind it! It was such a fun night of brownies, memories, and sweet friends all who have just been such an encouragement in my life. Thanks sooo much for speaking my love language Ash :)
On Tuesday I packed awhile and got to visit with some of my motherly figures/mentors and women who have just selflessly poured and poued into my life day after day. I got to have coffee with my precious Mama Fogt and our time together was so wonderful just to catch up on life and share all the Lord had done these past few weeks. Then later in the afternoon I got to go spend some time with Kelli and Shelly who just poured Truth into my life as always and listened to me babble about all of my fears, doubts, excitement, and struggles! These are two of the most solid, selfess, beautiful, loving, and wise women I have ever known and the Lord has just so greatly blessed me by allowing me to be apart of thier lives! Thank you both....I love and miss you sooooo much! Then Tuesday night I got to spend celebrating 20 years of life with my bestest friend Lesley. What a gift she is in my life! We went to a wonderful dinner at guess where? Maggianos!! Yup, thats two night in a row for me of spagetti and meatballs...oh well Ash let my leftovers rot from the night before so it worked out anyway! We just had some great conversation and time together. Then we went back and watched a movie which I slept through as usual and enjoyed some delisious smores and oreo balls with a few more friends.
On wednesday I spent most of the day with Ash helping her with some wedding stuff, errands, lunch with the ZOE gang at Chickfila and finished packing. Got to have one last dinner with Les before we both left the next morning to drive opposite directions across the world :( Then went to an incredible night of ZOE where we praised God i worship and learned about the Holy Spirit from Phillip. I got to say many final goodbyes, though it was still yet to hit me I was really leaving Zoe. Ash was so gracious to allow me to spend my last night in her bed, my favorite place to be! Then I woke up bright and early and began the five hr drive to Arkansas! More to come!
But you will not leave in haste or go in flight: for the LORD will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard. Isaiah 52:12
Friday, July 23, 2010
The Old has gone, the NEW has Come!
The pictures say it all...Those who are in Christ are a NEW creation, the old has gone and the NEW has come!
It is hard to believe that just one year ago today I was just beginning my journey of "life after Mercy"...and what a journey that has been! I walked out those doors expecting certain things to happen this year and all I can say is that the LORD has not met each one of those expectations, yet He has exceeded anything I could ever ask or imagine. Looking back, I would not change anything about this year, because although there were some challenging times for me, I know He used each one of them to teach me, to refine me, to draw me closer to Him in the process. This year can actually be summed up by that one simple word: PROCESS!
Exodus 23: 29-30 says:
"But I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land."
How beautiful is that picture...the Lord is just so patient and so gracious! He knows if He gives it all to us at once, fixes it all, says it all, reveals it all, well, then the land becomes desolate and the animals too numerous...LITTLE by LITTLE (a process) He will drive them out until we have increased enough to possess the land! This blows my mind. This year I have learned that in every situation, every struggle, every victory it always comes down to how it is a process. Even just doing life...it is a never-ending process. But how incredible that the Lord allows us to experience these processes and through it He is just further making us look like Him...He is getting rid of the extra junk we so easily carry on our back when He already died to take it away. He is refining those areas of our lives, both obvious and hidden, which hinder us in bringing glory to His name. He is doing so slowly, because if He did it all at once, He knows it would be too much to bear. His word says He never gives us more then we can handle. He is a gracious and loving Father...He protects us by not allowing the desert to suffocate us nor the wild animals to devour us. Though at times, it certainly feels as if the very things He intends to protect us, to refine us, to make us look more like Him might just kill us. Often, even His word is like holy sandpaper. At least this has been something I have found.
Honestly there were points in my life this year where I questioned His goodness, I doubted His plan, I was angry and hurt by Him. At times, I even felt abandoned and left hung out to dry. Like a patient laying wide open on the operating table, my major organs fixed yet still He is digging around pricking and prodding in every little corner of my insides. At times the pain just seemed unbearable and never ending. Like one blood vessel is mended yet five more are still leaking...and of course any accredited doctor isn't going to close up a patient after simply fixing one of the of six vessels...so open I layed, just clinging to the Truth that I knew despite the pain I felt; there would come a moment when the pain would lessen, then disappear and the wholeness and peace I would experience would far outweigh all the hurt of the surgery I endured to get there. The Lord WILL finish the good work He began. LITTLE B
Y LITTLE He will drive it out of us! Little by little, He will equip us to possess the Land. That's for sure. And in this process, we are never complete, never finished until the day we come face to face with the King Himself in heaven. But what a blessing that we get to experience a little bit of heaven here on earth...He intends for us to experience life, life to the full...He rejoices when we finally pass the test, press through the pain and struggle, submit to the refinement process and then, then He finally gives us the victory, the grace really, to go in and possess the land! Praise God.
Through this year of processes, I have been so blessed to experience the beauty of overcoming different sin in my life, hurt in past, circumstances that suck, feelings that deceive and so forth to get to go in and take the land that He has given me. There is nothing like it. But really I must say that it is in the desert, in the fire, on the operating table that I learn what I need to know to "posses the land" in each one of those areas of my life which He has refined. It is the process that makes me more like Him...it is the times when I feel I just can't handle any more of whatever He is doing that I am changed by His unfailing love for me, a sinner saved by His abounding grace and mercy. That is when the transformation occurs. And without that transformation, without that operation, there would be no freedom in the promise land, no relief from the pain. But He who the Son sets free is FREE INDEED! This year has been about refinement yielding freedom, and freedom bearing fruit.
This year has been a process, but what a beautiful one it has been. I am not where I want to be, but praise God I am not who I was! I will continue to submit to the process, not the product! Even if it kills me!
This year my prayer is to see myself as and live as the new creation I am in Christ. The Lord has shown me that when I look in the mirror, or when I see myself through the eyes of others, I am no longer that girl in the first photo. In Christ, I am a NEW creation; the old has gone and the NEW has come.( 2 cor 5:17) I am learning what it means to be a new creation....to actually see myself as the girl in the second photo...I mean I have been her for a year now, but most of the time I think I still see the old girl, I think other people only see the old girl. But praise God I am no longer defined by my past. I am no longer Courtney, troubled girl with all these issues who will never be effective for the Kingdom. I am a beloved daughter of the Most High King and He chose me before I was a born and set me apart for a specific purpose. The Lord is teaching me how to be made NEW in Him in every aspect of my life, areas I have never even thought of. How to live everyday as a New creation, how to walk submitted to Him, conformed to HIS image and likeness. He is just so good. He completely blows my mind everyday and I am just excited for another year of learning and being refined, chopped away at, just to be made more like Christ...to experience more freedom and wholeness in my life, everyday.
Praise God for Mercy Ministries and the good work He began in my life there. At Mercy, I met Jesus and fell madly, deeply, passionately in love with Him. I learned how to pursue freedom from many life-controlling issues which had brought me to the brink of death. At Mercy, I learned how to live. This process of being refined, of healing and wholeness would not be where it is today had it not been for what the Lord did in my life during my Mercy journey. A year ago, I thought graduation from Mercy was the finish line, when in fact, it was just the beginning.
And so the process begins again...I don't know what this year holds, but I know the One who holds it! And I know He has a beautiful plan for my life which far exceeds anything I could ever ask or imagine.
Bring on the process!
Day of Arrival at Mercy
Feb. 16, 2009
Feb. 16, 2009
Day of Graduation from Mercy
July 23, 2009
July 23, 2009
It is hard to believe that just one year ago today I was just beginning my journey of "life after Mercy"...and what a journey that has been! I walked out those doors expecting certain things to happen this year and all I can say is that the LORD has not met each one of those expectations, yet He has exceeded anything I could ever ask or imagine. Looking back, I would not change anything about this year, because although there were some challenging times for me, I know He used each one of them to teach me, to refine me, to draw me closer to Him in the process. This year can actually be summed up by that one simple word: PROCESS!
Exodus 23: 29-30 says:
"But I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land."
How beautiful is that picture...the Lord is just so patient and so gracious! He knows if He gives it all to us at once, fixes it all, says it all, reveals it all, well, then the land becomes desolate and the animals too numerous...LITTLE by LITTLE (a process) He will drive them out until we have increased enough to possess the land! This blows my mind. This year I have learned that in every situation, every struggle, every victory it always comes down to how it is a process. Even just doing life...it is a never-ending process. But how incredible that the Lord allows us to experience these processes and through it He is just further making us look like Him...He is getting rid of the extra junk we so easily carry on our back when He already died to take it away. He is refining those areas of our lives, both obvious and hidden, which hinder us in bringing glory to His name. He is doing so slowly, because if He did it all at once, He knows it would be too much to bear. His word says He never gives us more then we can handle. He is a gracious and loving Father...He protects us by not allowing the desert to suffocate us nor the wild animals to devour us. Though at times, it certainly feels as if the very things He intends to protect us, to refine us, to make us look more like Him might just kill us. Often, even His word is like holy sandpaper. At least this has been something I have found.
Honestly there were points in my life this year where I questioned His goodness, I doubted His plan, I was angry and hurt by Him. At times, I even felt abandoned and left hung out to dry. Like a patient laying wide open on the operating table, my major organs fixed yet still He is digging around pricking and prodding in every little corner of my insides. At times the pain just seemed unbearable and never ending. Like one blood vessel is mended yet five more are still leaking...and of course any accredited doctor isn't going to close up a patient after simply fixing one of the of six vessels...so open I layed, just clinging to the Truth that I knew despite the pain I felt; there would come a moment when the pain would lessen, then disappear and the wholeness and peace I would experience would far outweigh all the hurt of the surgery I endured to get there. The Lord WILL finish the good work He began. LITTLE B
Y LITTLE He will drive it out of us! Little by little, He will equip us to possess the Land. That's for sure. And in this process, we are never complete, never finished until the day we come face to face with the King Himself in heaven. But what a blessing that we get to experience a little bit of heaven here on earth...He intends for us to experience life, life to the full...He rejoices when we finally pass the test, press through the pain and struggle, submit to the refinement process and then, then He finally gives us the victory, the grace really, to go in and possess the land! Praise God.
Through this year of processes, I have been so blessed to experience the beauty of overcoming different sin in my life, hurt in past, circumstances that suck, feelings that deceive and so forth to get to go in and take the land that He has given me. There is nothing like it. But really I must say that it is in the desert, in the fire, on the operating table that I learn what I need to know to "posses the land" in each one of those areas of my life which He has refined. It is the process that makes me more like Him...it is the times when I feel I just can't handle any more of whatever He is doing that I am changed by His unfailing love for me, a sinner saved by His abounding grace and mercy. That is when the transformation occurs. And without that transformation, without that operation, there would be no freedom in the promise land, no relief from the pain. But He who the Son sets free is FREE INDEED! This year has been about refinement yielding freedom, and freedom bearing fruit.
This year has been a process, but what a beautiful one it has been. I am not where I want to be, but praise God I am not who I was! I will continue to submit to the process, not the product! Even if it kills me!
This year my prayer is to see myself as and live as the new creation I am in Christ. The Lord has shown me that when I look in the mirror, or when I see myself through the eyes of others, I am no longer that girl in the first photo. In Christ, I am a NEW creation; the old has gone and the NEW has come.( 2 cor 5:17) I am learning what it means to be a new creation....to actually see myself as the girl in the second photo...I mean I have been her for a year now, but most of the time I think I still see the old girl, I think other people only see the old girl. But praise God I am no longer defined by my past. I am no longer Courtney, troubled girl with all these issues who will never be effective for the Kingdom. I am a beloved daughter of the Most High King and He chose me before I was a born and set me apart for a specific purpose. The Lord is teaching me how to be made NEW in Him in every aspect of my life, areas I have never even thought of. How to live everyday as a New creation, how to walk submitted to Him, conformed to HIS image and likeness. He is just so good. He completely blows my mind everyday and I am just excited for another year of learning and being refined, chopped away at, just to be made more like Christ...to experience more freedom and wholeness in my life, everyday.
Praise God for Mercy Ministries and the good work He began in my life there. At Mercy, I met Jesus and fell madly, deeply, passionately in love with Him. I learned how to pursue freedom from many life-controlling issues which had brought me to the brink of death. At Mercy, I learned how to live. This process of being refined, of healing and wholeness would not be where it is today had it not been for what the Lord did in my life during my Mercy journey. A year ago, I thought graduation from Mercy was the finish line, when in fact, it was just the beginning.
And so the process begins again...I don't know what this year holds, but I know the One who holds it! And I know He has a beautiful plan for my life which far exceeds anything I could ever ask or imagine.
Bring on the process!
Monday, July 12, 2010
Australia 2010: A Choice to Make, Death or Life?
Well here I am, a bittersweet moment for me to writing this. It feels like for months now I have been writing about, praying for, fundraising for, planning for, anticipating this trip and now here I am sitting down to write once again, but the anticiaption is replaced with pure awe at the goodness and beauty of the God I serve and the perfection of His plans. It makes me wonder why I ever doubt, ever worry or ever desire to figure things out on my own; He is just so perfect and my mind truly could never conceive His ways or His love for me.
There is probably enough to write an entire book about this past month of my life spent in Australia, however right now I just want to focus on one story in particular. This story is particularly near to my heart because through it the Lord showed me exactly why He placed me on this trip. I can honestly say that if I was in Autralia for the past month for no other reason then this one young woman, that was more then enough. Gratned, the Lord did hunderds of incredible things in ministry, in the individual lives of my team members, in my personal life, set up divine encounters, and birthed a specific God-given vision for my life. However, none hails in comparision to what He did in the middle of the outback, in a small aboriginal village called Bre...
The entire reason i chose to go to Australia to begin with was becuase of thier incredibly high sucicide rates...I felt an urgent call to go to this nation b/c the Lord gave me a vision of how for many of the people there, it truly is a matter of life and death...they have a choice to make. With Deut. 30:15 flowing through my mind, I knew the Lord gave me this vision of ministering to someone who was on the verge of choosing death. I knew He had called me to speak the words of LIFE to this individual or group and tell them there is another way--there is hope and freedom in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. To help them realize they have the choice to choose LIFE or death, but that LIFE is so worth it, a choice that I had to make in my own life at one point.
After a couple of days of settling in, we headed out on a 15 hour drive into the outback to go spend 10 days in a small and broken aborginal village called Brewarrina. In Bre, alcoholism, drugs, and sexual immorality are all norms for most of the people in the community. There is also a lot of bitterness towrds white people as a result of past hurts.
Specifically, the Lord sent me to Bre for a divine purpose which was made clear over my time there. On our first afternoon in Bre, we had the youth centre open and most of the kids were running around and having a blast. There was one girl, however, who seemed a bit older and was just sitting alone in the corner. Instantly, I was drawn to her and the Lord began speaking to me about her life. I knew she had plenty of hurts and heartaches and somehow i knew that I could relate to her. He literally spoke words, His words, through my mouth to her from day one. We instantly conected and she just began telling me a lot about Bre and its history and her family life and so forth. Over the next seven days, I continued reaching out to her and spending every mintute of the youth centre time talking to her and listening to her. I also got the privalige of getting to know her 5 younger siblings who came as well. The night before our last night, two people from our group shared testimonies whcih was followed by small group time. In small groups, we were talking about how everyone has a story to tell. I turned to Amelia and said Amelia, I know you have a story. She just kind of shook her head and smiled. The next day (our last day) we went and sat down to say our last goodbyes. She turned to me and looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Courtney, I want to tell you my story, but I cant say it to you. Could you give me paper and i will write it?" So I went and got her paper and a pen and she went outside and wrote it. She came back 20 mins later and handed it to me. She said not to read it until she left. I begged her to let me read it before she left, though I already knew what it would say bc the Lord has shown me, yet I wanted to be able to talk to her about it more since she didnt know that I knew. This is the letter she wrote to me....
6/29/10
Hey-
Um well ever since I was little, I felt left out, like my dad would play with the others, and I remember me just leaning over the side left out.
I pretty much wish I was dead most of the time. When I lost my aunty it felt like I lost everything she was someone I can tell stuff. But you’re the only person I can tell my story and I wish you would stay.
Every now and then I wish I wasn’t born, it’s like why am I here? I still do and I think it will never go away. I would like to thank you so much for everything I will never forget you, you will always be in my heart. I even sometimes say I hate everyone, even my mum and dad.
iLy. Xoxox Amelia.
Thanks for everything.
P.S. I don’t think I would like to see you after you read this cause its shame and start crying.
After reading this, I instantly found tears falling onto my cheeks. I went up to her and asked her to come outside with me. We walked out into the frigid night and she just put her head on my shoulder and wept. I said a few comforting words and gave her a minute. Then she looked up, but refused to look me in the eye. I put my hand on her chin and lifted her face until our eyes finally locked. Then the Lord literally just put the words in my mouth...I couldnt even tell you all that came out, but I know that morning I had memorized Jeremiah 1: 5 in my quiet time, and i know the Lord gave me that for this very moment. I told her " Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." She continued weeping. I shared with her how there was a time in my life when i felt hopeless and purposeless. That i always had this emptyness inside of me that i tried for years to fill with all of these different things, but nothing ever satisfied that emptyness. Enstead, all those things led me down a path of destruction to the point where I didnt want to live anymore...how I was once at the point where she was at now. Then I got to share how the only thing that is desgined to fit inside that empty hole is the love of Christ. I got to continue to speak Truth into her life and tell her that she could break free from the generational bondage passed down from her parents and that the Lord has good and beautiful plans for her future.I got to tell her she could choose LIFE!
Today we are facebook friends and I have gotten to continue to pursue our relationship, just like Christ has so relentlessly pursued me with His love. I have a total faith and peace that in the oncoming days and weeks Amelia is going to come to know the indescribable love of our incredible Savior for herself. The Lord did some incredible things over my month in Australia, but this moment, this precious girl...this is why He sent me to Australia this summer. So really, I cannot put my gratitude into words for your support; this young woman's life was spared because of the incredible plans of the soveriegn loving God that we are so privalged to serve. Wow. He just blows my mind.
Here is a picure of Amelia and I on our last night in Bre, her new bible in hand.
There is probably enough to write an entire book about this past month of my life spent in Australia, however right now I just want to focus on one story in particular. This story is particularly near to my heart because through it the Lord showed me exactly why He placed me on this trip. I can honestly say that if I was in Autralia for the past month for no other reason then this one young woman, that was more then enough. Gratned, the Lord did hunderds of incredible things in ministry, in the individual lives of my team members, in my personal life, set up divine encounters, and birthed a specific God-given vision for my life. However, none hails in comparision to what He did in the middle of the outback, in a small aboriginal village called Bre...
The entire reason i chose to go to Australia to begin with was becuase of thier incredibly high sucicide rates...I felt an urgent call to go to this nation b/c the Lord gave me a vision of how for many of the people there, it truly is a matter of life and death...they have a choice to make. With Deut. 30:15 flowing through my mind, I knew the Lord gave me this vision of ministering to someone who was on the verge of choosing death. I knew He had called me to speak the words of LIFE to this individual or group and tell them there is another way--there is hope and freedom in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. To help them realize they have the choice to choose LIFE or death, but that LIFE is so worth it, a choice that I had to make in my own life at one point.
After a couple of days of settling in, we headed out on a 15 hour drive into the outback to go spend 10 days in a small and broken aborginal village called Brewarrina. In Bre, alcoholism, drugs, and sexual immorality are all norms for most of the people in the community. There is also a lot of bitterness towrds white people as a result of past hurts.
Specifically, the Lord sent me to Bre for a divine purpose which was made clear over my time there. On our first afternoon in Bre, we had the youth centre open and most of the kids were running around and having a blast. There was one girl, however, who seemed a bit older and was just sitting alone in the corner. Instantly, I was drawn to her and the Lord began speaking to me about her life. I knew she had plenty of hurts and heartaches and somehow i knew that I could relate to her. He literally spoke words, His words, through my mouth to her from day one. We instantly conected and she just began telling me a lot about Bre and its history and her family life and so forth. Over the next seven days, I continued reaching out to her and spending every mintute of the youth centre time talking to her and listening to her. I also got the privalige of getting to know her 5 younger siblings who came as well. The night before our last night, two people from our group shared testimonies whcih was followed by small group time. In small groups, we were talking about how everyone has a story to tell. I turned to Amelia and said Amelia, I know you have a story. She just kind of shook her head and smiled. The next day (our last day) we went and sat down to say our last goodbyes. She turned to me and looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Courtney, I want to tell you my story, but I cant say it to you. Could you give me paper and i will write it?" So I went and got her paper and a pen and she went outside and wrote it. She came back 20 mins later and handed it to me. She said not to read it until she left. I begged her to let me read it before she left, though I already knew what it would say bc the Lord has shown me, yet I wanted to be able to talk to her about it more since she didnt know that I knew. This is the letter she wrote to me....
6/29/10
Hey-
Um well ever since I was little, I felt left out, like my dad would play with the others, and I remember me just leaning over the side left out.
I pretty much wish I was dead most of the time. When I lost my aunty it felt like I lost everything she was someone I can tell stuff. But you’re the only person I can tell my story and I wish you would stay.
Every now and then I wish I wasn’t born, it’s like why am I here? I still do and I think it will never go away. I would like to thank you so much for everything I will never forget you, you will always be in my heart. I even sometimes say I hate everyone, even my mum and dad.
iLy. Xoxox Amelia.
Thanks for everything.
P.S. I don’t think I would like to see you after you read this cause its shame and start crying.
After reading this, I instantly found tears falling onto my cheeks. I went up to her and asked her to come outside with me. We walked out into the frigid night and she just put her head on my shoulder and wept. I said a few comforting words and gave her a minute. Then she looked up, but refused to look me in the eye. I put my hand on her chin and lifted her face until our eyes finally locked. Then the Lord literally just put the words in my mouth...I couldnt even tell you all that came out, but I know that morning I had memorized Jeremiah 1: 5 in my quiet time, and i know the Lord gave me that for this very moment. I told her " Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." She continued weeping. I shared with her how there was a time in my life when i felt hopeless and purposeless. That i always had this emptyness inside of me that i tried for years to fill with all of these different things, but nothing ever satisfied that emptyness. Enstead, all those things led me down a path of destruction to the point where I didnt want to live anymore...how I was once at the point where she was at now. Then I got to share how the only thing that is desgined to fit inside that empty hole is the love of Christ. I got to continue to speak Truth into her life and tell her that she could break free from the generational bondage passed down from her parents and that the Lord has good and beautiful plans for her future.I got to tell her she could choose LIFE!
Today we are facebook friends and I have gotten to continue to pursue our relationship, just like Christ has so relentlessly pursued me with His love. I have a total faith and peace that in the oncoming days and weeks Amelia is going to come to know the indescribable love of our incredible Savior for herself. The Lord did some incredible things over my month in Australia, but this moment, this precious girl...this is why He sent me to Australia this summer. So really, I cannot put my gratitude into words for your support; this young woman's life was spared because of the incredible plans of the soveriegn loving God that we are so privalged to serve. Wow. He just blows my mind.
Here is a picure of Amelia and I on our last night in Bre, her new bible in hand.
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