The past five days have been spent in Atlanta, GA to attend the Passion 2011 conference. Throughout the ten hour drive up there, my mind could not help but reflect upon where I was last year at this time. Physically, I was in Atlanta for Passion 2010; spiritually I was confused, bound in chains, and not ready to surrender certain areas of my life to the Cross. What a Faithful God who LOVES me more then I will ever be able to comprehend. Oh He is good, so so good. It is both humbling and beautiful to see the transformation He has brought forth in my life over just a year. Unbelievable really. But I guess it shouldn’t surprise me, considering who He is. And yet I am still in awe of His patience and kindness in my life. So, so gracious is He!
By no means do I have it all together, nor is my life without struggles and sin, yet I do know that One who paid an incomprehensible debt on the Cross to cover it all…for me. What?! Do we really understand what this means? Do we KNOW Him? Do we really know Him? The past few days I was privialged to hear some incredible teachers of the Word—Beth Moore, Louie Giglio, Fancis Chan, John Piper, Andy Stanley, David Platt. It is crazy how God places such incredible knowledge of the Word in their hearts and has gifted each of them to teach in a way that does not really leave much of an option to stay the same upon the conclusion of the message. Worship was incredible and the new Passion 2011 CD blows my mind…God is surely moving in the lives of the artists as well. And of course it is always incredible to participate in giving twords all of these incredible causes in the GO Center at Passion…21,000 broke college kids gave over $1 million in four days…what?! All of it given to further the Kingdom and proclaim Jesus to the nations.
Perhaps it is because this year my life is so completely different from last year or maybe it is because I am at a point where I needed to be challenged, called up and out, and healed in certain areas as well, but this year as I walk away from the past few days, my life is not going to look the same anymore. I refuse to hear what I heard and remain the same person…He has called me, all of us really, to so much more. And one day we will all be accountable to what we hear…all I want to hear is “Well done, good and faithful servant.” So for me, 2011 is a new beginning so to speak, but not because of the new year, but because of the fact that Jesus spoke some incredible Truth into my life through my time at Passion and now I get the privilege of carrying out the things He revealed.
More to come...
Check out the global impact of the college kids at Passion 2011...unfathomable. All the glory to Jesus!
Do you know what 21,000 broke college kids gave?
Check out a bit of the incredible worship on this video...
One of Passion 2011's New Songs!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Friday, December 24, 2010
Beautiful Sisters
I am so incredibly blessed to have three beautiful sisters. One by birth and two by marriage, all three of them have really only been apart of my life for four years now, and yet I feel as if I've been close to them my entire life. I have never felt so much love. There really is nothing in the world like a sister. The bond you share within such a realtionship simply does not compare to anything else. A sister is like a best friend for life...through the good and the bad. My sisters have truly walked with me through it all and for that I am so incredibly grateful. God has used them in my life to teach me and guide me in countless decisions and ways. I will never understand the perfection of His timing and simply His sovereign will--He is so gracious! I have never experiened the love of Christ modeled before me more then through these three precious women. In fact, if it were not for them coming into my life five years ago and essentially taking me in and just loving the heck out of me when I felt unlovable, I would not know Jesus today...I probably wouldnt be alive today. Praise God for His sovereign will and timing...and for His unfathomable love, first modeled to me by these beautiful women whom I am beyond blessed to call my sisters.
Every Christmas Eve we take a sister picture...this is one of my most precious moments every year. Tonight we took our fifth picture together...crazy that it has already been five years, yet at the same time it feels like a lifetime. As I look back through each of these images, my mind floods with recollections of what was going on in my own life and the role my sisters played in that as the years progressed. Some of these images bring great joy to my heart, others I see the hopelessness and deep pain which consumed my life. But this year as I sit and look at this sister picture, tears pour forth from my eyes as my heart is overwhelming thankful for these three incredible women in my life, three women the Lord has given to me to call sisters. They have walked with me through a lot the past years, and I am excited to see all God has in store for the next five! What a blessed girl I am to get to walk through life with these three women by my side! I love you Angel, Meg and Cindy. Thank you for loving me when I was unlovable. Thank you for walking through what seemed like hell with me. Thank you for just loving the heck out of me...for never leaving my side. Thanks for loving me like Jesus to the point where I finally realized He was my only hope. Thank you for spurring me along in my walk, for teaching me about Gods Word and taking me to church with you this very night, five years ago. Obviously, my life will never be the same. He who began this good work in me in faithful to bring it to completion...in all of us! I love you with all of my heart and you three are truly one of the greatest gifts in my life.
2006
2007
2008
2009
2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
A New Major
The past year or so, I have been incredibly passionate about pursing my degree in psychology, aching to help girls with life controlling issues who just need to understand the love of Christ.For some reason, this semester I have been discontent within my major. Mostly I keep hitting this brick wall....like I am learning a lot about different areas of psych b/c im in three classes this semester within my major but its like everything Im learning I have seen modeled in my own life, and I have seen how it does NOT work! You know they tell you to medicate the problem, look deeper in yourself for strength...use this model of treatment, then try this....and so on. Then it hit me...what am I doing spending four years and a ton of money to learn about something that doesnt even work!?! The answer is Jesus...He's the only way out of any psychological issue regaurdless of what it is and I am living proof of that and I know that in my profession I would not want to preach or practice anything different then that. So why am devoting my college career to learning about something that doesnt help anyone? Not to mention, that graduating w/ a psych degree means nothing....Id have to get my masters at the least, but generally you need your PhD to get any decet job. By that point,I wouldnt even want to be working anyways....thats another 6 years of school/internship....and really eventually I just want to be a wife and mom anyhow.
So then I came back to what do i do? I explored some other fields...home econ stuff, nursing again, social work and dietetics. I'm sure nursing is not for me. Social work would be great, but again you are limted by the state in your ability to share the gospel. That wouldnt work. Nutrition and dietetics really interests me, but I always swore I would never become a dietition because of the hatred I have always had for the ones in my life for all those years. So, a few weeks ago, I decided to keep my major in psych and minor in general nutrition. Mostly becuase I love learning about how food is created and how it breaks down in your body. The Lord has surrounded me with women who teach me so much about health and balance and food...I love getting to watch them raise thier families in a healthy way and learn from them. So how great would that be if I could get college credit to learn how to prepare food in a balanced way for my own family one day! Then I realized I had to take tons of extra science classes just to minor in that, so it didnt make sense.
I have a precious freind here in Fayetteville that I've gotten the privalige of getting to spend some time with. It just so happens that she is in her last year of the dietetics program at the U of A. We've spent a lot of time over the semester just talking about nutrition and such. I love getting to hear all she is learning and she just has the most beautiful heart for her field...I know the Lord is going to use her in incredible ways through this career and she has consistently spoken Truth into my life in this area too which is totally the Lord. So basically, all semester I have been seeing this and really Julie just opened my eyes to the fact that dieticians really are not evil or out to get me, nor were they ever. In my heart, I just had this deep hatred for all those women who told me I had to eat that, could not only eat that, had to do this and so on. I swore I would never become one of them, despite my passion for learning about health and wanting to help hurting girls. The Lord has been using Julie in such a sweet way this whole time, and really I had no idea. I know that He placed her in my life for a purpose and what blessing that it has been. Not only have I found an incredible friend, sister in Christ who is such an encouragement and role model to me, but she showed me that if this really is a desire of my heart to pursue this major, it does not mean I will be evil or that my own life will be consumed by thoughts of food again. She does such a great job about keeping balance in her own life. Just getting to be around her and watch her life a little has shown me that I really can pursue this degree and not be burdened by my old yoke of slavery, not to return to it so to speak. And she has been so real with me about how that is and can be a struggle at times, but that does not mean it has to consume you. She really does live it out...she is normal and walking in freedom and majoring in dietetics! And she gets it. She completely understands how easy it is to be "a weird dietetics student" as she would put it and yet I dont have to be that way! Praise the Lord He is faithful and continually refining us. How incredible is it that I come here to Fayetteville completely and only because of the Lord's direction and through a random connection meet this precious girl who just loves on me and encourages me and lets me be apart of her life and takes time to pour into me and through that is used by God to change my perception of things and in turn to realize what He is calling me to pursue with my time in college! He is SO FAITHUFL! Julz I am so thankful for you and your obedience to the Lord...thanks for being such an encouragement and just being real about life.
So, I was driving home from STL and talking to my best friend Lesley and she was stressing out about not knowing what shes doing with her life and how she keeps going back and forth between majors...she said something and we kept talking and literally I had not seriously considered changing my major up to this point...just talking about it and praying but in that moment on the phone it hit me like a ton of bricks....the Lord was just like Courtney, I know youre miserable in this major b/c its not about me eventhough you know Im the only way....so just do it....change! Its really okay...you dont need to be scared that the plan is changing....TRUST ME! I know whats best for you...Ill get you throught the science courses....I will sustain you. I will use this to refine you and draw you closer to me....its okay to be afraid but I PROMISE you, you can handle this...youre ready...youre not a slave to food anymore..you can do it! and it was like in this moment I could not explain it in words, but I had total and complete peace this is what He was calling me to do. So I literally said outloud to Lesely....thankyou I needed to hear what you just said. I think Im going to change my major! And she she kinda laughed a nervous laugh, and I could tell she wasn't quite convinced b/c I had said that before, but never followed through. It's not like me to deviate from THE PLAN. In fact, it is the hardest thing in world for me to think something will happen the way Ive always envisioned and then for it to look different...and here I was changing my mind. Again. To me that seems like its not okay....like I'm a mess and cannot stick with anything you know. Well anyways, I didnt tell anyone about what the Lord was telling me. I just got up the next morning and drove to campus. Then I couldnt figure out where the office was to change my major, so I called Julie and she explained it and encouraged me which was totally the Lord speaking through her. Anyways, I walked right in told them what I wanted to do and he filled out the paperwork. It was like one of those moments where time is happening but my world was on pause...it was surreal almost. All I can say is I experienced a complete, total peace that transcends all understanding in those moments....and that was that. I left and came home and havnt looked back since!
I love learning about all this kinda stuff and it will also help me to raise healthy kiddos one day and know what im putting into thier bodies...as for a career I dont know what that may look like but the Lord does and I'm excited to maybe even get to help girls who are where I once was you know....and so what if they hate me? Priase God for redemption and the fact that now my security is in HIM! In fact, I can simply point them to Jesus. The Lord really does have a snese of humor...I HATED all of my dieticians over those years...and now, I am becoming one. Praise the Lord. :)
Plus, I already have a minor in psychology!
So then I came back to what do i do? I explored some other fields...home econ stuff, nursing again, social work and dietetics. I'm sure nursing is not for me. Social work would be great, but again you are limted by the state in your ability to share the gospel. That wouldnt work. Nutrition and dietetics really interests me, but I always swore I would never become a dietition because of the hatred I have always had for the ones in my life for all those years. So, a few weeks ago, I decided to keep my major in psych and minor in general nutrition. Mostly becuase I love learning about how food is created and how it breaks down in your body. The Lord has surrounded me with women who teach me so much about health and balance and food...I love getting to watch them raise thier families in a healthy way and learn from them. So how great would that be if I could get college credit to learn how to prepare food in a balanced way for my own family one day! Then I realized I had to take tons of extra science classes just to minor in that, so it didnt make sense.
I have a precious freind here in Fayetteville that I've gotten the privalige of getting to spend some time with. It just so happens that she is in her last year of the dietetics program at the U of A. We've spent a lot of time over the semester just talking about nutrition and such. I love getting to hear all she is learning and she just has the most beautiful heart for her field...I know the Lord is going to use her in incredible ways through this career and she has consistently spoken Truth into my life in this area too which is totally the Lord. So basically, all semester I have been seeing this and really Julie just opened my eyes to the fact that dieticians really are not evil or out to get me, nor were they ever. In my heart, I just had this deep hatred for all those women who told me I had to eat that, could not only eat that, had to do this and so on. I swore I would never become one of them, despite my passion for learning about health and wanting to help hurting girls. The Lord has been using Julie in such a sweet way this whole time, and really I had no idea. I know that He placed her in my life for a purpose and what blessing that it has been. Not only have I found an incredible friend, sister in Christ who is such an encouragement and role model to me, but she showed me that if this really is a desire of my heart to pursue this major, it does not mean I will be evil or that my own life will be consumed by thoughts of food again. She does such a great job about keeping balance in her own life. Just getting to be around her and watch her life a little has shown me that I really can pursue this degree and not be burdened by my old yoke of slavery, not to return to it so to speak. And she has been so real with me about how that is and can be a struggle at times, but that does not mean it has to consume you. She really does live it out...she is normal and walking in freedom and majoring in dietetics! And she gets it. She completely understands how easy it is to be "a weird dietetics student" as she would put it and yet I dont have to be that way! Praise the Lord He is faithful and continually refining us. How incredible is it that I come here to Fayetteville completely and only because of the Lord's direction and through a random connection meet this precious girl who just loves on me and encourages me and lets me be apart of her life and takes time to pour into me and through that is used by God to change my perception of things and in turn to realize what He is calling me to pursue with my time in college! He is SO FAITHUFL! Julz I am so thankful for you and your obedience to the Lord...thanks for being such an encouragement and just being real about life. So, I was driving home from STL and talking to my best friend Lesley and she was stressing out about not knowing what shes doing with her life and how she keeps going back and forth between majors...she said something and we kept talking and literally I had not seriously considered changing my major up to this point...just talking about it and praying but in that moment on the phone it hit me like a ton of bricks....the Lord was just like Courtney, I know youre miserable in this major b/c its not about me eventhough you know Im the only way....so just do it....change! Its really okay...you dont need to be scared that the plan is changing....TRUST ME! I know whats best for you...Ill get you throught the science courses....I will sustain you. I will use this to refine you and draw you closer to me....its okay to be afraid but I PROMISE you, you can handle this...youre ready...youre not a slave to food anymore..you can do it! and it was like in this moment I could not explain it in words, but I had total and complete peace this is what He was calling me to do. So I literally said outloud to Lesely....thankyou I needed to hear what you just said. I think Im going to change my major! And she she kinda laughed a nervous laugh, and I could tell she wasn't quite convinced b/c I had said that before, but never followed through. It's not like me to deviate from THE PLAN. In fact, it is the hardest thing in world for me to think something will happen the way Ive always envisioned and then for it to look different...and here I was changing my mind. Again. To me that seems like its not okay....like I'm a mess and cannot stick with anything you know. Well anyways, I didnt tell anyone about what the Lord was telling me. I just got up the next morning and drove to campus. Then I couldnt figure out where the office was to change my major, so I called Julie and she explained it and encouraged me which was totally the Lord speaking through her. Anyways, I walked right in told them what I wanted to do and he filled out the paperwork. It was like one of those moments where time is happening but my world was on pause...it was surreal almost. All I can say is I experienced a complete, total peace that transcends all understanding in those moments....and that was that. I left and came home and havnt looked back since!
I love learning about all this kinda stuff and it will also help me to raise healthy kiddos one day and know what im putting into thier bodies...as for a career I dont know what that may look like but the Lord does and I'm excited to maybe even get to help girls who are where I once was you know....and so what if they hate me? Priase God for redemption and the fact that now my security is in HIM! In fact, I can simply point them to Jesus. The Lord really does have a snese of humor...I HATED all of my dieticians over those years...and now, I am becoming one. Praise the Lord. :)
Plus, I already have a minor in psychology!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Two Years Later...
Mercy Ministries is an incredible ministry which ministers to young women with life controlling issues like eating disorders, self-harm, addictions, teen pregnancy, sexual abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. Mercy is run completely on donations and does not take any government funding. It gives out 10% of everything they recieve to other ministries as well. On top of this, each girl is admitted into the 6 month residental program for free; the idea is that the girls know the purpose of treatment is not to make money off of thier problem. Praise God for a place like this. Obviously, running a ministry which not only counsels young women but provides everything they need to sleep, live,eat, relax, read, listen to, and learn does not come at a small price. Not to mention, that Mercy always provides the best of the best because they want the girls to know that they are worth it...that they are loved. During my time at Mercy, God transformed my life from the inside out...the Lord used Mercy to teach me how to live. When I walked in those doors, I had given up on life. But as I fell in love with Jesus, He breathed life, hope, and purpose into my life and today everything I am is because of Him. Mercy has a waiting list of over 700 girls. They need finiancial support so that those girls can be given the same chance to choose life that I was given through my time at Mercy.
Each year, Mercy does a huge fundraiser in St. Louis to raise money and to connect with new families and individuals who feel called to support the work of this ministry in any way, long term or a one time gift.
Two years ago, I was given tickets to this event from a woman at my church. I attended along with my sister, big sis Ash, mom and a friend. At this point, I was broken, hurting, hopeless, dead on the inside and dying on the outside as well. I remember sitting there listening to a girl stand up and proclaim the faithfulness of God in her life and how through Mercy God has given her freedom from the darkness that had consumed her life. In that moment I made a deal with God...that if He didnt bring me to Mercy, if He didnt make a way then I would end it all. I had been through so many treatment programs and centers. We had run out of money. I spent weeks in a hospital bed. Nothing helped. I always went back. I had no hope. I held onto to the thought that one day, maybe just maybe, I could stand up there and say that God had saved my life too. Just like that girl. At the moment, I dont think I really believed it though. A few months later, I walked into the doors of Mercy Ministries. God changed my life.
With Barlow Girl...
The next year I returned to volenteer at this big fundraiser once again. But this time, tears of joy fell upon my cheeks, knowing that as I sat and listened to another graduate share...praise God that I had that same hope. There were still areas of my life that were not totally surrendered the Christ though, and I knew that He was not finished with me yet, despite the incredible transformation that has begun.
Last year at this event....Me and Ash
Several days ago, I got to stand up at this event and share the faithful hand of my heavenly Father in my life. Tears begin to fall just reflecting upon the way He has transformed my life...His faithfulness, His gentleness, His patience, His protection. Oh goodness I could go on forever. What a gift it was to attend this event and spend time with so many incredible women who have come to support Mercy over the past several years. 
I have never seen communitty modeled the way I did Thursday night. How beautfiul....praise God for humble, faithful, godly moms and dads, wives and husbands, sisters and brothers. The past two years have been an incredible, challenging, exciting, scary journey that I would not change for anythign in the world. There were days when I couldnt see past the lies, nights when the darkness enveloped me, mornings when the joy never came. But through it all, He is worhty of my praise. He is faithful to begin the good work He began. And He will. By no means am I perfect, completey free, or totally whole apart from Christ, but He gives me hope which sustains me through those tough days now. When His promises are all I can cling to at times, then I will hold on with everything I have. He is the FAITHFUL ONE!!! I wanted to share some pictures from the last three years of this event and the breif testimony that I got to share on Thursday. Twenty Years Down...By the Grace of God
Life is hard and full of hurt and heartache...living on this earth will never yield the fullness of life we truly long for, and yet He is the Faithful ONE through it all! Praise God!
I got to celebrate this year in Fayetteville with my sweet roomates and boyfriend. Justin came in town for the weekend which was so fun and sweet time together! We went out to dinner and spent time just catching up and talking about life and Jesus...oh how I love to talk...:) Justin also officailly became a razorback...shirt and all! We got to go to our last home game on Saturday which was FREEZING! We made it til half time though.
I am so blessed to live with three precious girls who have really become like sisters to me...again the faithfulness and sovereignty of God! What a gift it was to get spend time with them as well...we all went out to a delicious brunch on Saturday!
And eventhough I was away from home for my first bday ever, I felt so loved and blessed from phone calls and cards! Thanks for making my day special!
I am so abundatnly blessed and have great expectancy for all the Lord is going to continue to do over this next year! All I know, is that at the end of the day, I am just a broken sinner in desperate need of my Lord and Savior. Apart from Him, I am nothing! But praise God He is faithful to complete the good work He has begun in my life!
delicous Trader Joes BirthdayBrownie from my sweet sisters Age n Ash :)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Lead Me
So for the past several months this song has been playing on the radio. Every time it would come on, it was like my heart would jump out of my chest, this deep and desperate plea for the words of this song to be the cries of husbands and daddys hearts, which in the world we live in today, seems to be a rarity indeed. Listening to the words, it really does just some up so many hurts and heartaches within the family unit, or lack there of, today. A man is created and equip by God to lead his wife and his children. This is why so many families are falling apart in recent years. I mean over HALF of marriages in this country end in divorce. HALF. That ought to disgust us, to horrify us, especially as believers, it ought to singe within us a deep desperate passion to do something about it- whether that means take on the world or to take on one's own marriage, one's own family.
As a nineteen year old college student for a long time I never knew what my role was suppossed to be in this. I mean, this is one of my passionate interests within the study of the family, probably becase I am completely blown away by how beautiful yet entirely different a home where Christ is the center is from a home where He is non-existant. I have seen in my own life the wide and painful consequences of marriages ending, of divorce, of this deep longing to be loved and accepted by someone of the opposite sex as I have seen bothof my parents model in different ways. And I know that I know that I KNOW without a doubt the picture of marriage as a covenant, a godly man submitted to the Lord leading a godly woman who also submits to the Lord above all but as an earthly picture of that, is able to submit to her husband, I KNOW that this is the ONLY way for a marriage to truly be all that Lord intends for it to be. There is no other way. There is no other method which will yeild more peace, more protection, more blessing, or more glory to God then this. This is ultimate Truth, an area in which I have made a covanent between myself and Lord to refuse to settle for anything less then this, because I am all too farmiliar with what things look like on the other side.
Praise God that in the name of Jesus this generation curse of divorce, affairs, abuse, this seeking of pleasure from anyone at any time, within generations of my family is broken with me. This is not to say, however, that this idea, this image of submitting to my husband one day as he is submitting to Christ, is not one of the scariest things in the world to me. I think a lot of this, well for sure a lot of this, is becuase whenever I think of submitting to a man, I just think of having to submit to my dad, or a man like my dad or even one of the hundreds of men my mom brought home over the years. Granted, there is NO doubt that God is moving in my dad's life now and I tear up just thinking about the transformation that is occuring before my very eyes, but this is not the man that I knew for the past 19years you know. And my mom is now married to an incredible guy whom I have so much respect for. But again, the past 19years that has not been the case. So all these years seeing all these messed up husbands and daddys have etched this picture in my mind, this horrifyingly ugly image of men, of marriage, of family life in general. The idea of submitting my life to one of these men for a long time was honestly repulsive to me.
But several weeks ago, I began praying intently for the Lord to begin to heal some of these wounds and to begin to renew my mind in this area, washing out these lies that Ihave known as truth for 19 years and to begin filling those holes with Truth. Over the past few weeks, He has begun an incredible work in my heart and my mind. One of the coolest things He has shown me is in Genesis 3 when it says in verse 16 "Your desire will be for your husban an he will rule over you," well this word "desire" is actually the same desire that Esu talks about with sin...and how sin is crouching at your dour...this desire to sin...this desire to control. So then I reaize, as women, how often do we struggle with having a desire to control things...anythng really...our husband, kids, job, money, parents...the list could go on forever. So essentially God is saying, "woman, you are going to desire to control, but grasciously I am giving you a PROTECTOR to rule over you!" This is just yet anotherincrediblely mind-blowing picture of God's grace and perfect soverignty in my life. What a GIFT submitting to my husband is going to be...and its NOT to hurt me or hinder me as a woman, it is to guard and protect and love me! I can honestly sit here writing this today and say that not only am I excited about marriage, but it is the most incredible blessing the world to get to submit to a godly man someday and to be found in the wing of his protection as we both look to Christ to hold our marriage together. This idea that there is a man with whom I will spend my life and that together we will glorify Christ more then when we are apart....even that blows my mind! God's increble story of REDMPTION, of love, of protection, of mercy and grace...it is written ALL over the bible. Even in something as little as the way a marraige should look. Oh Lord thank you!
With all of that being said, this has been my prayer for my husband....to just pray these words over his life, to have an understanding that apart from Christ, He is nothing. That without Christ, our marriage is nothing. And that through Christ, we can do anything...not because we're so great, but because of HIS incredible story of our redemption that we just get to play a little tiny part in.
I know that my marriage is not going tobe summed up by some statistic on a piece of paper. I am praying for my husband...that the Lord is just holding his heart and guiding Him in the Way that leads to life...aundant life. I pray that he is learning and growing daily. That not a day goes by He is not changed by time spent in the prescence of an ulmighty God. I pray that He is surrounding himself by godly husbands and daddys, hungry to know what it looks like to live it out every single day. Most of all, I just pray that he is falling madly, deeply and passionately in love with Jesus...and that this is what is pouring out from within him in all that he does and says.
Lead Me by Sanctus Real
I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?
To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up
I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
As a nineteen year old college student for a long time I never knew what my role was suppossed to be in this. I mean, this is one of my passionate interests within the study of the family, probably becase I am completely blown away by how beautiful yet entirely different a home where Christ is the center is from a home where He is non-existant. I have seen in my own life the wide and painful consequences of marriages ending, of divorce, of this deep longing to be loved and accepted by someone of the opposite sex as I have seen bothof my parents model in different ways. And I know that I know that I KNOW without a doubt the picture of marriage as a covenant, a godly man submitted to the Lord leading a godly woman who also submits to the Lord above all but as an earthly picture of that, is able to submit to her husband, I KNOW that this is the ONLY way for a marriage to truly be all that Lord intends for it to be. There is no other way. There is no other method which will yeild more peace, more protection, more blessing, or more glory to God then this. This is ultimate Truth, an area in which I have made a covanent between myself and Lord to refuse to settle for anything less then this, because I am all too farmiliar with what things look like on the other side.
Praise God that in the name of Jesus this generation curse of divorce, affairs, abuse, this seeking of pleasure from anyone at any time, within generations of my family is broken with me. This is not to say, however, that this idea, this image of submitting to my husband one day as he is submitting to Christ, is not one of the scariest things in the world to me. I think a lot of this, well for sure a lot of this, is becuase whenever I think of submitting to a man, I just think of having to submit to my dad, or a man like my dad or even one of the hundreds of men my mom brought home over the years. Granted, there is NO doubt that God is moving in my dad's life now and I tear up just thinking about the transformation that is occuring before my very eyes, but this is not the man that I knew for the past 19years you know. And my mom is now married to an incredible guy whom I have so much respect for. But again, the past 19years that has not been the case. So all these years seeing all these messed up husbands and daddys have etched this picture in my mind, this horrifyingly ugly image of men, of marriage, of family life in general. The idea of submitting my life to one of these men for a long time was honestly repulsive to me.
But several weeks ago, I began praying intently for the Lord to begin to heal some of these wounds and to begin to renew my mind in this area, washing out these lies that Ihave known as truth for 19 years and to begin filling those holes with Truth. Over the past few weeks, He has begun an incredible work in my heart and my mind. One of the coolest things He has shown me is in Genesis 3 when it says in verse 16 "Your desire will be for your husban an he will rule over you," well this word "desire" is actually the same desire that Esu talks about with sin...and how sin is crouching at your dour...this desire to sin...this desire to control. So then I reaize, as women, how often do we struggle with having a desire to control things...anythng really...our husband, kids, job, money, parents...the list could go on forever. So essentially God is saying, "woman, you are going to desire to control, but grasciously I am giving you a PROTECTOR to rule over you!" This is just yet anotherincrediblely mind-blowing picture of God's grace and perfect soverignty in my life. What a GIFT submitting to my husband is going to be...and its NOT to hurt me or hinder me as a woman, it is to guard and protect and love me! I can honestly sit here writing this today and say that not only am I excited about marriage, but it is the most incredible blessing the world to get to submit to a godly man someday and to be found in the wing of his protection as we both look to Christ to hold our marriage together. This idea that there is a man with whom I will spend my life and that together we will glorify Christ more then when we are apart....even that blows my mind! God's increble story of REDMPTION, of love, of protection, of mercy and grace...it is written ALL over the bible. Even in something as little as the way a marraige should look. Oh Lord thank you!
With all of that being said, this has been my prayer for my husband....to just pray these words over his life, to have an understanding that apart from Christ, He is nothing. That without Christ, our marriage is nothing. And that through Christ, we can do anything...not because we're so great, but because of HIS incredible story of our redemption that we just get to play a little tiny part in.
I know that my marriage is not going tobe summed up by some statistic on a piece of paper. I am praying for my husband...that the Lord is just holding his heart and guiding Him in the Way that leads to life...aundant life. I pray that he is learning and growing daily. That not a day goes by He is not changed by time spent in the prescence of an ulmighty God. I pray that He is surrounding himself by godly husbands and daddys, hungry to know what it looks like to live it out every single day. Most of all, I just pray that he is falling madly, deeply and passionately in love with Jesus...and that this is what is pouring out from within him in all that he does and says.
Lead Me by Sanctus Real
I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?
To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up
I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
Friday, October 1, 2010
The Blessing of Roomates
Coming here to Fayetteville, I was defiantely most nervous about coming into a new place where I knew only a few people. The community of believers whom I have been so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by in West County made it so difficult to leave STL for school. I had prepared myself for the worst, already telling myself that I just needed to stop comparing my new life to back home because there was no way I could ever be surrounded by such an incredible spiritual family.
Thinking about it a couple months later, all I can say is praise God for allowing me to live in such an incredible community of girls. My roomates are the sweetest gift from the Lord and I just thank God for each of them, their quirks, their wisdom, the way we just laugh together! The encouragement that come through our sisterhood in Christ is something I cannot put into words. Its only been a couple months and already, I just couldn't imagine my life without these three precious girls!
I want to share just a little bit about each of these precious girls who have become sisters to me.
Rachel
When I think of Rachel, I think of how she is wise beyond her years. I think of her bluntness and honesty. Sometimes all I can do is laugh. I love this about her. She has no problem with telling it like it is. But always in a way that comes across gently, maybe from experience or some sense of relateability. For Rachel, it may be really hard to be real sometimes, but when she does open up, it's like I just want to pick her brain for hours. I can relate to her in so many ways. She loves to talk to other people about real stuff in their lives. Her thoughts are so transparent, talking to her is a joy and blessing. I am excited to see what God does in her own life this year...how He is going to honor this increible valnurability that she has. I love getting to be around Rachel...sometimes I don't think she really sees all the gifts and wisdom the Lord has given her. I love Rach's heart for her family....she is just so great at loving them well. Just hearing her talk about them sometimes, makes me realize just how much I have to learn about selfless love for those closest to you. Kelley
When I think of Kelley, I just can't help but smile. Kelley is full of life, the life Jesus talks about, the one He died to give us. Kelley is one of those people you just love to be around. I have never laughed so hard in my life at some of the things she says. She is so real...I love this about her too. That as goofy as she is sometimes, some of the most encouraging conversations I've had have been with her. I love when I hear her rambling through the door becuase I know that in a matter of 10 seconds she will make it back to my room, come in and I may not get anything done for th next 20 mins, but she aways seems to say exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment...whether its something in her life or asking me about something specific. I feel like whenever I have one of those days and just want to punch satan in the face, Kell will be right next to me, boxing gloves and all. I also see a spirit of persevere in Kelley that blows my mind...she is a fighter. Whenever I think of that verse that talks about fighting the good fight, finishing the race, and keeping the faith...that about sums up Kelley. Heather
Oh my sweet sister friend. When I think of Heather, I think of wisdom and faithfulness. I know that if I ever have a question about anything in scripture or any theological issue, Heather will either have the answer, have a reasource to refer me to, or search for it until she figures it out. Heather is a woman of the Word. And she is so faithful to the Lord...in her time studying His Truth, in her time praying for this minstry, praying for her roomies, praying for the nations. She is so incredibly faithful in the small things, things that I may have never even considered before. Simply getting to live in the room right next to her, I have been more challenged and my eyes have been more opened to areas of my own life where I am lacking a solidity or knowledge or understanding. Jesus in her ministers to my heart daily. Then there's the goofy side of Heather...her laugh changes every time, even in the middle of laughing and even when I have no idea what's so funny, she just makes me laugh. I love that she is so passionate about particular things...spinah leaves, squash, farmer's market, chickens, and microwaves to name a few. I see so much in Heather that I can relate to. I so look forward to her coming home every day and just getting to talk about our days, what the Lord's teaching us, struggles, battle with sin, life really. Our conversations always leave me challenged and encouraged. Most of the time, I dont even think Heather sees how beautiful she is, simply because Christ dwells inside of her. I am so incredibly blessed to get to be living in community with these three girls this year.
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