His Ways Are Higher

So this morning I woke up feeling a little discouraged and just walking though some battles in my mind. I was determined not to continue to allow the lies in my head to dictate and control the rest of my day as they had the night before. I knew the first thing I had to do to pursue righteousness was to get in a good work out this morning. I googled some parks around Fayetteville and settled on one about 15mins away with a lake. My GPS took me to some random address that was certainly not a park but for some reason I was determined to find it. It was the like the spiritual warefare had already begun, but I knew I had been given the power to overcome. So finally, I find the park! It had a beautiful lake with a long trail around it, some paved and the rest in the woods, much like one of my favorite parks back home. I started off walking and listening to a Preston Morris sermon about change and after that I decided to run for a while. Since coming home from Australia I have definately taken my time building my milage back up and at this point the most I had run was probably about 2 miles. Turns out the Lord must have just really wanted some time with me because it turned out to be a 5.5 mile trail! As I pressed through the hardest part of the run I thought back to how sweet I remember my time being when Ash and Holl and I were training for the 1/2 marathon and how praying for other people in my life had brought forth this strength and perseverence. So I just started praying...for friends, family, roomates, Australia, school, etc and twords the end I started praying for the Lord to continue to refine certain areas of my life and for Him to just begin to open doors ministry wise...bibles studies to plug into, some different roles in campus ministries, a solid church community, a job, and just some older women to pour into my life and for me to learn from.

I literally was meditating on all the times I'd doubted Him before and how every time He blew my mind with His provision and just how it's always better then anything I could try to "figure out" in my own strength which is always my tendency to try to do, when this woman running in front of me slows down. She turns around a couple times to look and me and smiles. I really didnt think anything of it until I look up to see here looking back at me, this time she was trying to say something. As I stumbled for the volume control on my i-pod, I was thinking to myself how I just wanted more time with the Lord, kind of annoyed that she was bothering me. As has always been true in the past, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isa. 55:9.

I caught up to her and she started asking me about my running history...how long I'd been doing it, how many races I'd run, etc. This led into what I was doing here in Fayetteville and I explained to her how I came down to go to the U of A, nothing more. I'm not really sure if it's just the fact that I live in the "bible belt" now and this is just normal or if this was just the hand of God from the start, but I'm leaning tword the latter. She asked me where I go to church. I explained that I actually just moved here and am still looking for a church. She said well, I would love to invite you to come to my church...it's called New Heights. Well it turns out New Heights was actually the first church on my list to check out becuase two of my roomates go there! I told her that and she asked me who they were, but she didn't know either of them. One of my roomates is Kelly and when I mentioned her name, this woman said she didn't know her but she did know a "really tall Kelli with curly brown hair that played volleyball for the U of A"....well right away in my heart I was just blown away by the Lord already. As I explained to her, this Kelli is actually one of the few girls I know here in Fayetteville b/c her family goes to my church back home and her mom, Terri has been leading the women's bible study and summer study I've been in this past year and has just played a signifacant role in my life both teaching and encouaraging me spiritually. If this wasn't crazy enough, she goes on to ask me if I know one other girl, and I should preface this by saying that out of 20,000 students at the U of A, I literally know two girls who go there and of course the next name she says is do you know Dani? And it just so happens I met Dani this past winter when she came to STL to speak at a missions day with me at my church b/c of a connection through Terri, Kelli's mom. We both spoke of our upcoming summer missions trips and asked the women to support us financially. That was the only time I met Dani and how crazy that here I am months later, running in the middle of the woods in Fayetteville, AR at some random park talking to this woman I just met, yet feeling as if I have known her for years. We kept running together and talking for the next couple miles. She asked me in detail about how I got here and I explained the crazy story of how the Lord brought me to Fayetteville. We talk about Lightbearers, the discipleship program I'm in and of course she knew a bunch of people involved with this ministry. We started talking about how I was looking for a job and she just turned and looked me and smiled that smile that basically says "well, sweetheart, you've come to the right place!" She went to tell me how just yeasterday she heard of the perfect job opening that would be right up my alley. We kept talking and I was just completely blown away by the Lord's answer to my prayer.

He doesn't always work that quickly, but man do I doubt His sovereignty sometimes. He showed me how I realyl just take for granted the fact that He is GOD! He can do whatever He wants, whenever He wants. His word says that if we simply lay our cause before Him, He will perform miracles and wonders our minds cannot even comprehend! Why don't I always come to Him in prayer laying my cause before Him, not just beliving He hears me but EXPECTING to see His provision. Yesterday I was reading in Genesis about Abraham walking up the mountain to sacrafice His son Issac and eventually he finds out that it was just a test from the Lord of his obedience and the Lord had put a ram up there to sacrafice instead but the Lord just gave me this picture of how literally as Abraham is walking up the one side of this mountain with his son to sacrafice, the Lord already has the provision, this ram, walking up the other side of the mountain. So often we forget, or I do anyway, that even when I just seem to be treking up this never ending trail, confused, doubtful, alone with no end in sight, He always has provision, the answer, wisdom, community, divine appointment, His plan, trekking up the other side. And after the test is passed, obedience prevails, in HIS perfect and most beautiful timing I get to experience His provision and just like meeting this woman (an answer to prayers just minutes prior) His ways are always better then anything I could ever think up.

Lord I thank you that you are GOD! How undeserving am I, nothing but a sinner saved by your abounding and overwhelming grace. How meaningless and hopeless my life is apart from YOU!

As the trail came to an end and we reached the cars, we exchanged numbers and agreed to look for oneanother at church. She hugged me goodbye, (despite our gross sweaty clothes) and I know this is just the begining of a beautiful relationship between this sweet godly woman and myself. Though I have no clue how it may play out, one thing I do know....as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts! Isa. 55:9.

So glad I went running this morning! :)

Becoming a Razorback

Well, here I am after surviving my first day as an Arkansas Razorback at THE U of A. I was told that you can't just say I go to "U of A" but rather "THE U of A." But anyhow, the past several weeks have been full of transition and craziness it seems like. Tonight has been probably the first night in a few weeks I have had no plans and gotten to enjoy relaxing!

First let's back track a bit to the past several weeks. Two weeks ago I piled all of my belongs into a U-Haul trailer and two cars and made the 5 hour drive from Wildwood, MO to my new home here in Fayetteville. My mom and Kevin came along to help me move and that was such a blessing! I could not have done it without thier help for sure. On that Friday we got me all moved in and settled. I got to meet two of my roomates and spend my very first night in my new apartment. Then the next morning I woke up and said goodbye to my mom and Kev as they headed back to STL. I also got on the road, headed the opposite direction to Conway, AR. I got to meet up with two wonderful teamates and sweet friends of mine from my time in Australia and we got to spend the day together. Justin is going to school in Conway, which is basically the half-way mark b/tw Emily and I so she came and met me there. We helped Justin move into his dorm, making fun of some of the halrious things in his possession as he unpacked everything! We had wonderful lunch togeter full of sweet conversations of all the Lord had been doing in each of our lives over the past months and weeks. Then we headed back to campus and hung out a while more until it was time to go and then I followed Emily to her hometown in Jonesboro, AR where I got to spend the night at her place. This time together was so precious and much needed! We stayed up way too late just getting to catch up and talk about how incredble our God and just getting to encourage one another in our walks. It was a beautiful time I would not trade for anything. The next morning I got to wake up and go to church with Emily to a precious church where her dad is pastor. I was blessed to learn from Em as she taught the youth prior to the service as well. Just seeing the unity among the body in this small town was such a beautiful thing to me. Everyone, no matter how different or how alike, just seemed like family and the love in that place was unmistakable. After a deliciouis lunch with the Emily and her family I was back on the road once again, headed home to STL.

It was really a weird thing coming home. I felt like I just went on this little vacation and now I was going back home just like normal. However, soon enough I would realize the next time I returned to AR, it would be my new home!

Upon arriving home I spent the next four days/nights going going going non-stop. We had our last college bible study with the Cosseys which is something I am going to miss dearly. Then on Monday I had my last day of nannying my precious boys and it was sooo difficult to say goodbye....Cole, the younger of the two boys, was so sweet. About 45mins after I had left, he called my phone balling his eyes out that I was leaving and asking me to promise to come back and see him soon. Soooo precious! Despite challenges here and there, I could not have asked for a more incredible family to have spent my time with this past year and I miss them so much already.

From work I headed straight downtown with Ashley to have a "going away" dinner at Maggianos. It was delicious! I was so blessed to get to have this sweet time just to spend with Ash and talk about many different things. Afterwards, she showed me some of the thigns she and her fiancee had registered for and then we went to this amAAzing place Anthropolgie! Her favorite store that I had yet to have gone to...which is a good thing because of course I love everything in it and it is way out of my price range!! But she was all about speaking my love language that night which I sooo loved of course and she asked if she could buy me a notebook because the very first time we hung out she bought me one and would write verses in it for me to memorize and reflect upon. It really wasnt even the fact that she wanted to buy me the notebook, but the fact that she remembered that and wanted to make this night significant and special to me....she is just sooo sweet! Then I was totally thrown off (though she never lied directly) to come back to Ash's to find some very wonderful girls waiting to surprise me! As they jumped out from behind the couch I was totally caught off gaurd and blown away...for a minute the thought literally went through my head that I just ruined someone else's surprise party! It was so unexpected and usually I never fall for that kind of thing, probably b/c I am usually the one behind it! It was such a fun night of brownies, memories, and sweet friends all who have just been such an encouragement in my life. Thanks sooo much for speaking my love language Ash :)

On Tuesday I packed awhile and got to visit with some of my motherly figures/mentors and women who have just selflessly poured and poued into my life day after day. I got to have coffee with my precious Mama Fogt and our time together was so wonderful just to catch up on life and share all the Lord had done these past few weeks. Then later in the afternoon I got to go spend some time with Kelli and Shelly who just poured Truth into my life as always and listened to me babble about all of my fears, doubts, excitement, and struggles! These are two of the most solid, selfess, beautiful, loving, and wise women I have ever known and the Lord has just so greatly blessed me by allowing me to be apart of thier lives! Thank you both....I love and miss you sooooo much! Then Tuesday night I got to spend celebrating 20 years of life with my bestest friend Lesley. What a gift she is in my life! We went to a wonderful dinner at guess where? Maggianos!! Yup, thats two night in a row for me of spagetti and meatballs...oh well Ash let my leftovers rot from the night before so it worked out anyway! We just had some great conversation and time together. Then we went back and watched a movie which I slept through as usual and enjoyed some delisious smores and oreo balls with a few more friends.

On wednesday I spent most of the day with Ash helping her with some wedding stuff, errands, lunch with the ZOE gang at Chickfila and finished packing. Got to have one last dinner with Les before we both left the next morning to drive opposite directions across the world :( Then went to an incredible night of ZOE where we praised God i worship and learned about the Holy Spirit from Phillip. I got to say many final goodbyes, though it was still yet to hit me I was really leaving Zoe. Ash was so gracious to allow me to spend my last night in her bed, my favorite place to be! Then I woke up bright and early and began the five hr drive to Arkansas! More to come!

But you will not leave in haste or go in flight: for the LORD will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard. Isaiah 52:12

The Old has gone, the NEW has Come!

The pictures say it all...Those who are in Christ are a NEW creation, the old has gone and the NEW has come!

Day of Arrival at Mercy
Feb. 16, 2009

Day of Graduation from Mercy
July 23, 2009

It is hard to believe that just one year ago today I was just beginning my journey of "life after Mercy"...and what a journey that has been! I walked out those doors expecting certain things to happen this year and all I can say is that the LORD has not met each one of those expectations, yet He has exceeded anything I could ever ask or imagine. Looking back, I would not change anything about this year, because although there were some challenging times for me, I know He used each one of them to teach me, to refine me, to draw me closer to Him in the process. This year can actually be summed up by that one simple word: PROCESS!

Exodus 23: 29-30 says:
"But I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land."

How beautiful is that picture...the Lord is just so patient and so gracious! He knows if He gives it all to us at once, fixes it all, says it all, reveals it all, well, then the land becomes desolate and the animals too numerous...LITTLE by LITTLE (a process) He will drive them out until we have increased enough to possess the land! This blows my mind. This year I have learned that in every situation, every struggle, every victory it always comes down to how it is a process. Even just doing life...it is a never-ending process. But how incredible that the Lord allows us to experience these processes and through it He is just further making us look like Him...He is getting rid of the extra junk we so easily carry on our back when He already died to take it away. He is refining those areas of our lives, both obvious and hidden, which hinder us in bringing glory to His name. He is doing so slowly, because if He did it all at once, He knows it would be too much to bear. His word says He never gives us more then we can handle. He is a gracious and loving Father...He protects us by not allowing the desert to suffocate us nor the wild animals to devour us. Though at times, it certainly feels as if the very things He intends to protect us, to refine us, to make us look more like Him might just kill us. Often, even His word is like holy sandpaper. At least this has been something I have found.

Honestly there were points in my life this year where I questioned His goodness, I doubted His plan, I was angry and hurt by Him. At times, I even felt abandoned and left hung out to dry. Like a patient laying wide open on the operating table, my major organs fixed yet still He is digging around pricking and prodding in every little corner of my insides. At times the pain just seemed unbearable and never ending. Like one blood vessel is mended yet five more are still leaking...and of course any accredited doctor isn't going to close up a patient after simply fixing one of the of six vessels...so open I layed, just clinging to the Truth that I knew despite the pain I felt; there would come a moment when the pain would lessen, then disappear and the wholeness and peace I would experience would far outweigh all the hurt of the surgery I endured to get there. The Lord WILL finish the good work He began. LITTLE B
Y LITTLE He will drive it out of us! Little by little, He will equip us to possess the Land. That's for sure. And in this process, we are never complete, never finished until the day we come face to face with the King Himself in heaven. But what a blessing that we get to experience a little bit of heaven here on earth...He intends for us to experience life, life to the full...He rejoices when we finally pass the test, press through the pain and struggle, submit to the refinement process and then, then He finally gives us the victory, the grace really, to go in and possess the land! Praise God.

Through this year of processes, I have been so blessed to experience the beauty of overcoming different sin in my life, hurt in past, circumstances that suck, feelings that deceive and so forth to get to go in and take the land that He has given me. There is nothing like it. But really I must say that it is in the desert, in the fire, on the operating table that I learn what I need to know to "posses the land" in each one of those areas of my life which He has refined. It is the process that makes me more like Him...it is the times when I feel I just can't handle any more of whatever He is doing that I am changed by His unfailing love for me, a sinner saved by His abounding grace and mercy. That is when the transformation occurs. And without that transformation, without that operation, there would be no freedom in the promise land, no relief from the pain. But He who the Son sets free is FREE INDEED! This year has been about refinement yielding freedom, and freedom bearing fruit.

This year has been a process, but what a beautiful one it has been. I am not where I want to be, but praise God I am not who I was! I will continue to submit to the process, not the product! Even if it kills me!

This year my prayer is to see myself as and live as the new creation I am in Christ. The Lord has shown me that when I look in the mirror, or when I see myself through the eyes of others, I am no longer that girl in the first photo. In Christ, I am a NEW creation; the old has gone and the NEW has come.( 2 cor 5:17) I am learning what it means to be a new creation....to actually see myself as the girl in the second photo...I mean I have been her for a year now, but most of the time I think I still see the old girl, I think other people only see the old girl. But praise God I am no longer defined by my past. I am no longer Courtney, troubled girl with all these issues who will never be effective for the Kingdom. I am a beloved daughter of the Most High King and He chose me before I was a born and set me apart for a specific purpose. The Lord is teaching me how to be made NEW in Him in every aspect of my life, areas I have never even thought of. How to live everyday as a New creation, how to walk submitted to Him, conformed to HIS image and likeness. He is just so good. He completely blows my mind everyday and I am just excited for another year of learning and being refined, chopped away at, just to be made more like Christ...to experience more freedom and wholeness in my life, everyday.

Praise God for Mercy Ministries and the good work He began in my life there. At Mercy, I met Jesus and fell madly, deeply, passionately in love with Him. I learned how to pursue freedom from many life-controlling issues which had brought me to the brink of death. At Mercy, I learned how to live. This process of being refined, of healing and wholeness would not be where it is today had it not been for what the Lord did in my life during my Mercy journey. A year ago, I thought graduation from Mercy was the finish line, when in fact, it was just the beginning.

And so the process begins again...I don't know what this year holds, but I know the One who holds it! And I know He has a beautiful plan for my life which far exceeds anything I could ever ask or imagine.

Bring on the process!

Australia 2010: A Choice to Make, Death or Life?

Well here I am, a bittersweet moment for me to writing this. It feels like for months now I have been writing about, praying for, fundraising for, planning for, anticipating this trip and now here I am sitting down to write once again, but the anticiaption is replaced with pure awe at the goodness and beauty of the God I serve and the perfection of His plans. It makes me wonder why I ever doubt, ever worry or ever desire to figure things out on my own; He is just so perfect and my mind truly could never conceive His ways or His love for me.

There is probably enough to write an entire book about this past month of my life spent in Australia, however right now I just want to focus on one story in particular. This story is particularly near to my heart because through it the Lord showed me exactly why He placed me on this trip. I can honestly say that if I was in Autralia for the past month for no other reason then this one young woman, that was more then enough. Gratned, the Lord did hunderds of incredible things in ministry, in the individual lives of my team members, in my personal life, set up divine encounters, and birthed a specific God-given vision for my life. However, none hails in comparision to what He did in the middle of the outback, in a small aboriginal village called Bre...

The entire reason i chose to go to Australia to begin with was becuase of thier incredibly high sucicide rates...I felt an urgent call to go to this nation b/c the Lord gave me a vision of how for many of the people there, it truly is a matter of life and death...they have a choice to make. With Deut. 30:15 flowing through my mind, I knew the Lord gave me this vision of ministering to someone who was on the verge of choosing death. I knew He had called me to speak the words of LIFE to this individual or group and tell them there is another way--there is hope and freedom in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. To help them realize they have the choice to choose LIFE or death, but that LIFE is so worth it, a choice that I had to make in my own life at one point.

After a couple of days of settling in, we headed out on a 15 hour drive into the outback to go spend 10 days in a small and broken aborginal village called Brewarrina. In Bre, alcoholism, drugs, and sexual immorality are all norms for most of the people in the community. There is also a lot of bitterness towrds white people as a result of past hurts.

Specifically, the Lord sent me to Bre for a divine purpose which was made clear over my time there. On our first afternoon in Bre, we had the youth centre open and most of the kids were running around and having a blast. There was one girl, however, who seemed a bit older and was just sitting alone in the corner. Instantly, I was drawn to her and the Lord began speaking to me about her life. I knew she had plenty of hurts and heartaches and somehow i knew that I could relate to her. He literally spoke words, His words, through my mouth to her from day one. We instantly conected and she just began telling me a lot about Bre and its history and her family life and so forth. Over the next seven days, I continued reaching out to her and spending every mintute of the youth centre time talking to her and listening to her. I also got the privalige of getting to know her 5 younger siblings who came as well. The night before our last night, two people from our group shared testimonies whcih was followed by small group time. In small groups, we were talking about how everyone has a story to tell. I turned to Amelia and said Amelia, I know you have a story. She just kind of shook her head and smiled. The next day (our last day) we went and sat down to say our last goodbyes. She turned to me and looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Courtney, I want to tell you my story, but I cant say it to you. Could you give me paper and i will write it?" So I went and got her paper and a pen and she went outside and wrote it. She came back 20 mins later and handed it to me. She said not to read it until she left. I begged her to let me read it before she left, though I already knew what it would say bc the Lord has shown me, yet I wanted to be able to talk to her about it more since she didnt know that I knew. This is the letter she wrote to me....

6/29/10


Hey-
Um well ever since I was little, I felt left out, like my dad would play with the others, and I remember me just leaning over the side left out.
I pretty much wish I was dead most of the time. When I lost my aunty it felt like I lost everything she was someone I can tell stuff. But you’re the only person I can tell my story and I wish you would stay.
Every now and then I wish I wasn’t born, it’s like why am I here? I still do and I think it will never go away. I would like to thank you so much for everything I will never forget you, you will always be in my heart. I even sometimes say I hate everyone, even my mum and dad.
iLy. Xoxox Amelia.
Thanks for everything.
P.S. I don’t think I would like to see you after you read this cause its shame and start crying.

After reading this, I instantly found tears falling onto my cheeks. I went up to her and asked her to come outside with me. We walked out into the frigid night and she just put her head on my shoulder and wept. I said a few comforting words and gave her a minute. Then she looked up, but refused to look me in the eye. I put my hand on her chin and lifted her face until our eyes finally locked. Then the Lord literally just put the words in my mouth...I couldnt even tell you all that came out, but I know that morning I had memorized Jeremiah 1: 5 in my quiet time, and i know the Lord gave me that for this very moment. I told her " Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." She continued weeping. I shared with her how there was a time in my life when i felt hopeless and purposeless. That i always had this emptyness inside of me that i tried for years to fill with all of these different things, but nothing ever satisfied that emptyness. Enstead, all those things led me down a path of destruction to the point where I didnt want to live anymore...how I was once at the point where she was at now. Then I got to share how the only thing that is desgined to fit inside that empty hole is the love of Christ. I got to continue to speak Truth into her life and tell her that she could break free from the generational bondage passed down from her parents and that the Lord has good and beautiful plans for her future.I got to tell her she could choose LIFE!
Today we are facebook friends and I have gotten to continue to pursue our relationship, just like Christ has so relentlessly pursued me with His love. I have a total faith and peace that in the oncoming days and weeks Amelia is going to come to know the indescribable love of our incredible Savior for herself. The Lord did some incredible things over my month in Australia, but this moment, this precious girl...this is why He sent me to Australia this summer. So really, I cannot put my gratitude into words for your support; this young woman's life was spared because of the incredible plans of the soveriegn loving God that we are so privalged to serve. Wow. He just blows my mind.

Here is a picure of Amelia and I on our last night in Bre, her new bible in hand.

How Great is the Love of the Father

Over this past weekend, I was starting to gather and pack some things for Australia (which I leave for in just THREE days!) and in the process of doing that, this random picture fell out from a book onto the floor. I picked it up and just fell to my knees because I knew the Lord was speaking to me in that moment.
We often hear that the love of our earthly father is just a little glimpse of the love the Lord God the Father has for us. Since people are sinners and constantly let us down, it is no surprise that often times, even parents fail to meet our expectations. I know this has certainly been the case for me.
Just after I was born, my parents decided to divorce. Although my mom has full custody of me, I was shuffled back and forth between hers and my dad's every weekend growing up. Both of my parents have more hurt and heartache then I will ever know; unfortunately, without knowing the transforming love of Christ, both have pursued various ways of dealing with hurts and struggles of life which have brought destruction to their lives and negatively effected mine as well.
As long as I can remember, my dad has struggled with alcoholism. As a result of this addiction, he has made many choices over the years that have left great wounds inside of me, yet I know he never would have made without being under the influence. As a result, I have very few memories with him growing up that bring a smile to my face. Rather, when I think of my dad, it is so easy for me to just think of all of the hurt that he has caused in my life. This just leads to so much bitterness, anger, resentment, hurt, disappointment, and unforgiveness on my part. Recently, loving my dad as Christ has been quite a challenge for me. I have been praying for the Lord to heal different areas of my heart and give me the strength to choose to forgive my dad again and again.

Convinced the Lord has not been hearing my desperate pleas, I have been walking around seeing my dad through my eyes, the eyes of a selfish sinner rather then the eyes of Christ. I am constantly reminded of his shortcomings lately: the way he lets me down, the way he leaves me when I need him, the way his sin has affected my life and continues to do so, the way he has never modeled a loving father to me. So much hurt. But what can you expect from a sinner not saved by the abounding grace of our Heavenly Father. Really, apart from Christ that is who I am too…a sick, nasty sinner.

But when I look at the man in this picture, all of this hurt, this bitterness and unforgiveness and disappointment I have for my dad…it just disappears because that is not who I see when I look into those eyes. I see a proud daddy. A daddy gazing into my baby eyes with a look of selfless love and pure joy. I see a daddy loving me the best he knows how. I see a daddy trying to be there in the midst of his own hurt and heartache. I see a daddy who so desperately wants to be loved himself, a daddy searching for something to fill that empty spot inside of him. I see a daddy in desperate need of a Father himself. When I look at this picture, I see my daddy like Jesus does.

And as much as I hurt because I feel he has failed to love me like a daddy should love his little girl, how much more must he be hurting because he does not know the unfathomable love His Daddy has for Him. It got me thinking, how much do I know the love of my Daddy? I mean, I have been so busy seeking the love and acceptance of my earthly dad for years now, which is something he may never be able to give me, but regardless I have a love that doesn’t even come close to touching a father’s love for his daughter. I have a Heavenly Father who loves me in a way my mind cannot understand.
And praise God this love is not conditional. I don’t have to be good enough…I don’t have to say all the right things…even when I mess up and fall short, He still just loves me!! He gave His one and only Son to die on a cross just for me to live in freedom…just for me! Not only does He love me, but He knows me! He knows every hair on my head. He knows my thoughts. He made me! He made me and yet He knows me. He created me, yet He desires intimate relationship with me. His love is MORE then enough to satisfy the emptiness that is still that little girl in me longing for the love of a Daddy.
There is a song that brings tears to my eyes every single time I hear it. It says, “I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand, lay back against you and breathe, feel your heart beat. Your love is so deep, its more then I can stand, I melt in your peace, its overwhelming…” One time, I had someone tell me when they hear this song, they just remember laying on their daddy’s stomach as he would breathe up and down and just feeling so safe and protected and having this incredible picture of a father’s love through that memory. I don’t have any memories like that, but looking at this picture those words just play through my head again and again. And I LOVE that I get to do that with the Lord…just to sit at His feet, listen to His heart beat…lay back against Him and breathe…what a incredibly beautiful picture of fellowship with my Daddy!
Praise God for a Heavenly Father who loves me PERFECTLY. I think if I could really understand that, it would change everything. Lord, I want to know your love, the love you have lavished on me. The everlasting love you have for your little girl.

How Beautiful on the Mountains

Over the past several weeks, my life has been full of things changing. Usually I am not one who handles change so well, so it has been a really challenging yet the Lord is constantly refining me and just making me more like Him whihc is most important anyway right?

My whole life I have lived here in STL. Growing up I never really dreamed about seeing the world or living anywhere else; I was always pretty content here. I have had increible friends and have a wonderful family who all live here and the thought of leaving just never realistically crossed my mind. Since coming to know the Lord and plugging in at an incredible church with such a beautiful body of believers, that desire to leave definately did not increase, and even when it came to choosing a college this past fall, I knew that I wouldnt go far. After just graduating from Mercy and going into my first year of college, so many things were changing all at once and so it just made sense to spend some time at home and getting plugged back in at church and ZOE and just surrounding myself wiht other believers who I know pursuing the Lord. And this past year at Missouri Baptist has been great and I know it was totally the Lords will for me to be here for this transition season of my life. He blessed me with an incredible job nannying for a family who have become family to me. Spending time with the two boys I watch has taught me soooo much and I am constantly in awe of the Lord's perfect timing and how He just orchestrates everythign with such perfection that my mind will never understand. This year has also been wonderful to get to help out at ZOE a lot and be a part of high schoolers lives there. Most of all, I have been so blessed to be a part of a women's bible study at Church and Faith that Works, a ministry focused on older women pouring into and helping younger women. This past year, I have gotten to see the body of Christ in a way I never had before.

It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how precious these women are to me, but the Lord has placed several women in my life who have just poured Truth and scripture and wisdom and guidance and love and encouragement into my life continually over these past months. The Lord has used them countless times to speak to me about various things and to just walk by me though some tough stuff, constantly being uplifted and spurred on in y faith. I have never seen more realness and humilty in my entire life then what these women have shown me just in talking about thier own lives. I have seen the power of prayer! Man have I had some prayer warriors this year. How blessed I am that the Lord surrounded me with women who are just so persistant, steadast, obedient to the Lord, and encouraging. Most of all I loooovvvee that they are all such godly wives and moms and simply by being around them and watching them and in thier lives I have leanred so much about how to be a godly wife to my husband one day and mom to my kids. These women mean the world to me and have been such a beautiful picture of th body of Christ as the Lord intends for it to be.

So all of this to say, I know that this is exactly where the Lord wanted me to be this past year for all of these reasons, and for all of these reasons, I do not want to leave STL. However, since graduating from Mercy, I have known that the Lord hasn't called me to be comfortable in my little bubble of Wildwood, MO forever. I had no idea what that would look like or what He would ask me to do, but I have known it would come. In my head I thought maybe going across the world for a month to serve Him would do it....but it seems He had other plans.

So as I said many things in my life are about to change because in the fall I am going to be moving to Blacksburg, VA to go to school at Radford Unv. All I can say is that as scared as I am about all of these new situations and changes and as hard as it will be to leave my life here behind, I KNOW that I KNOW this is completely the Lord's will for my life. It is a crazy phenomenon that occurs when everything in your flesh doesn't want to do something, and the harder it becomes to do that one thing, the more you know you have to do it. In Phil. 4:7 Paul talks about the peace of God which transcends all understanding and this is one of those pivital moments in my walk with the Lord where I experienced what Paul talks about right here in my life when it came to deciding about Radford. I have a peace that I cannot explain or make sense of and despite the fears and insecurities of my flesh, this peace wipes it all away.

Radford University

Really that peace is more then enough, but sometimes I can be a little hard-headed and the Lord knows me well and He just knew He was gunna have to make it even mre clear to me about where He wanted me because eventhough I knew from the second I visited VA that I had a peace there, I still doubted whether or not that was really His will. Even after I got into Radford, I still had many hesitations. Of course, I'm plugged into an incredible church, get to help out at ZOE which I love, have an incredible job, get free living and food at home, have my whole family here, have all of these women who I'm learning from and with, get to do a lot of things to help out at Mercy, and have some incredible friends. I am comfortable here...its safe here. It is home. So leaving all of this to go to a state 11 hours away where I know one person just didnt make a whole lot of sense, but when does the Lord ever make sense?! So I had applied to Maryville here in STL becasue they have a great nursing program as well and found out I did NOT get accepted there. Usually that wouldnt be a big deal, but I have good grades and ACT score and such so really there is no reason for me not to get in besides the fact that it is the Lord simply closing a door to simply eliminate the option of staying here! I love how He does this. Also, all of my classes from MoBap transfered perfectly to Radford which is amazing...even my New Testament class counts for a credit at Radford and it is not even a Christian school! The Lords hand is really just all over.

My sweet roomate :)

So I will be living with four other girls in an apartment on Virginia Tech's campus and commute about 10mins to Radford. I am living with my precious friend Lesley who has been at Tech this past year and three of her firends from school. I know the Lord 's plan is just perfect and I have no idea what He has in His mind, but I know He is faithful and sovereign and He always blows my mind. I am nervous but also sooo excited to get to experience life as a college student and have to rely on the Lord in a way I never have before. I know He is just going to continue to teach me, challenge me and refine me, which really is my prayer. I have no idea what this new season of my life is going to bring, but I do know that I am just taking it one day at a time, moment by moment just being obedint to what He has told me thus far and trusting Him to show me more in His timing, but learning to be content just where I'm at. What a challenge that is sometimes!

When I went up to visit Les this past winter, the Lord gave me a verse, well two verses, on my plane ride up there. They are both in Isaiah and the first one talks about taking the good news to the mountains. This was my first time ever seeing a real mountain and so it is crazy because in the moment, I really never thought I would end up going to Radford, but the Lord was already telling me where my feet would be taking the good news...to the mountains! The other verse is about how the Lord goes before me and behind me...what a cool picture that is that He is both preparing the way ahead of me and still protecting me from the behind.

Isa. 52: 7
How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who prolcaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion "Your God reigns!"

Isa. 52:12
But you will not leave in haste or go in flight; for the Lord will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear gaurd.
  

Faithful Provider

Well I am about three weeks away from my trip which is pretty surreal to me. It seems like I have been praying for, talking about and fundraising for this trip for so long that it is crazy that it is really just about here. The Lord has been so faithful in providing for Australia and I have gotten to just see His hand all over so many situations in this process. I have learned so much about trusting Him as my provider. In these last two to three weeks I have about $950 to go until I have reached the total amount needed for this trip. There have been several fees added on to my trip total over the past several weeks which incude: shuttle transportation to and from the airport to TeenMania, going down two days early to train to be a group leader, and a fuel surcharge for flying internationally. These expenses were not initially includd in the base cost ofmy trip so I have a buit more fundraising to do to get the rest of this money in a short amount of time, but I know the Lord is big enough to provide. I just look at what has already been contributed and am completely blown away by Him. I am so blessed to literally be surrounded by this community of believers who love the Lord and love to give!

In addition to sending out a few more support letters, I am planning several car washes on May 29th and June 5th. If anyone is interested in helping out or more information about this please let me know.

I also found out a little bit about my team. As of right now there are only five other people ticketed (plane tiket is bought) to go to Australia. The deadline for this has long passed, however there is a chance more will be coming. This has been a little confusing because as of now, there are 23 of us signed up to go on this trip, but only six of us are locked in. So I really have no idea how many will end up coming, but I know the Lord has it figured out and He knows exactly who He wants on this trip and I am excited to get to meet these people and spend this month serving and learning with them.

Also, a HUGE thank you to Nancy Alcorn and Mercy Ministries for supporting as a Mercy grad on this trip as well!

He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing. And you are to love those who are aliens, for you yourselves were aliens in Egypt. deut. 10:18-19