Walking on the Path

The past week or two has brought some unexpecteds in life. You know, the ones you never see coming but are always thankful for in retrospect. Well, I’m not there yet…I can’t look back. I am in the thick of it, begging the Lord to reveal His will daily. Praying. Hoping. Waiting. Asking. Demanding. Repenting. Weeping. Begging. Whining. Replay…times infinity. This process has robbed me of precious time in His word, on my knees and in fellowship because when I am engaging in those daily activities, it is consistently revolving around this unexpected dilemma and making the right decision.

Confusion is not from Jesus. In fact, I’m realizing more and more just how straight forward He is in His words…His commands. There really is not a whole lot to debate about the Words of Christ; I think that is purposeful…a gentle reminder of His character, and in reality, His sovereignty.

Over the past several days, the frustration of my inability to hear him clearly, my fear of making the wrong decision, my doubts in making the right one…eventually they brought me to a place of straight up frustration. I screamed into the pillow. Jumped in the puddles. Danced in the floods. Wept prostrate before the Lord atop the hair-infested carpet of my little abode. Oh how I need to buy a vacuum!

As I was trying to express some of my pent-up frustrations yet again with a precious sister, out of no where she goes, “Gosh Court, I wish I could just change your personality.” Of course I laugh it off, a little nervousness mixed in at a comment like that. I mean, words kind of escape at that point.

“Well what does that mean exactly?” My sinfulness bites back. “What could you possibly want to change about MY personality?” I humbly think to myself. Good thing I’m used the loving wounds inflicted by her wise words. We both laughed. She explained how she just wishes she could quiet my steady ache to analyze and analyze and analyze everything to the point of exhaustion…frustration. I smile at the thought...if only.

We discuss my need for the Word in moments like this. Then I let it slip that all day I have dreaded even the thought of opening that Book. It’s not like I can hear anything through the noise of my ceaselessly over-analytic thoughts. Confirmation in that verse or a lack there of in the next one. Lord, what are you trying to tell me? That what I have been thinking is not the right decision? What about the words from that song I heard earlier? Perhaps it is the right decision? That verse confirms it…yep I know this is what I am supposed to do…ten minutes later…wait, HOLD on. What about this story Lord? You didn’t have me read this today for no reason. Plus, that conversation I had earlier with that girl…clearly this is not your will for me after all. Back and forth, it never ends. It’s no wonder opening the Word seems so dreadful. Lord I just want to be obedient to you…I want to do your will!!

I heard a sermon yesterday. It’s been permeating through my thoughts ever since. It goes something like this:

As believers, we should never ask God to reveal to us His will for our lives. Huh?

Let’s say you’re walking in the forest one day. You are lost. You ask, “Where is the path at?” When is the only time you are going to wonder where the path is at? Well, I guess if you’re not on it.

So, don’t go off the path. Problem solved.

Just stay on the path…just walk in the will of God. Then the only time you will ever ask what His will for your life is, is when you are not walking in it. Disobedience.

If you obey His commands, you cannot walk out of His will!

Flee from sexual immorality, pray like this, spend time in my word, love me with all your heart, then love your neighbor as yourself…fill in the blank. Obey His commands.

If you, like myself, find yourself asking what God’s will is for your life, the better question would be to ask Him to reveal the areas of disobedience in your life so that you can continue walking in His will.


As you’re walking in the will of God, walking along the path, you obey His commands and as you obey, he directs your steps! In Acts as Paul obeyed God, God led him each step of the way, and as a result the gospel went into Europe for the first time. All of those people never would have heard the gospel if Paul was more worried about figuring out if what he was doing was God’s will for his life, rather then just walking in obedience to the commands God had already given him…walking in His will!
He has put His spirit inside of you!!! How do we follow the sprit of God? We obey his commands. Paul was not just sitting around waiting on the will of God. We don’t wait on the will of god. We walk in the will of God.

Today I am learning to experience beauty of walking in His will rather then begging for Him to tell me what it is. Today, I know what He wants for me to do, after all His commands need not be analyzed. Thank you Jesus for making them clear for all of us who belong to OA…over-analyzers anonymous! Sometimes, I feel like one foot in front of the next is about all I can do for the day. How gracious is He, that today, that is enough. In fact, one foot in front of the next is all walking requires. Hmmm. What an unfathomable gift; we don’t have to do anything to earn our way into God’s will for our lives…obedience to His Word out of an overflowing heart puts us right in the midst of it.

Reveal to me, Lord, the areas of disobedience in my life. Permit nothing to hinder the steady thump of one foot in front of the next. Thank you for allowing me to know you and to walk in your will for my life.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
                                          Proverbs 3:5-6

Easter

Easter has always been a bittersweet holiday for me. So many years of my life were spent clueless as to the actual meaning behind the day. Engrained in my mind are the memories of Easters past. Even reflecting upon it now, my heart quickens as the feelings of pain, confusion, jealousy, dissapointment, and embarrasment rise. The hurt I held so deep in my heart all those years still pentrates through time like the sun on my skin; always there, even when I can't feel the burn.

Today, it burns. It burns deeply.

I can remember riding home on the bus. A three day weekend on the horizon--unspeakable joy in the life of a ten year old. My friends conversing, revealing thier exciting plans and family traditions. Cries of anticipation filled the air, the expectation was unmistakable. As the bus screached to a hault at the top of my street, I walked aisle of dread, head down, already wishing this dreadful weekend to be complete. The driver, he gave me a gentle nod and smile, stretching out a bowl of candy from which I could choose any one I like. A gesture that spoke more then that old man may ever know.

My young eyes were simply reminded of all that lacked in my life. A family who gathered on such a day...a such thing as a tradition, which seemed a foreign word around my houshold. Candy. Just a little basket. A bunny perhaps? I remember waking up on Easter morning, hoping and paying that beyond my wildest dreams maybe, just maybe, the bunny would have brought me a little something. As I grew in age, I remember walking outside on a dreary Easter morning to see all of my friends outside with baskets circling the edges of the yeard in pursuit of colored candy-filled eggs. Jealousy. Confusion. Hurt. Why not me? Why doesn't anyone care aout me? Why don't my parents love me enough to hide some plastic eggs for me? Of course he attacks the idenity, my very worth thrown into upheaval at such an innocent age.

I remember going into my backyard, hiding under the deck and just sobbing--for hours. I wanted to be like all the other kids. I wanted to jump on the bus Monday morning, sugar-coma slowly wearing off with tales of bunnies, baskets, chocolate, eggs, surprises, and time together. I wanted to be that kind of family; the ones that celebrate by spoiling the kids, cooking up a feast, and arguing over who will cut the ham and how to cook the potatoes. The good, bad and ugly...I wanted it all, I wanted a family...a  mom and dad to argue about who hid the missing egg...a little heart just craving some love.

I suppose growing up with a Jewish, preoccupied mom and an alcoholic, absentee dad doesnt make for a very happy easter for any wide-eyed expecting child, even myself.  When I got on the bus monday morning, year after year, I felt ashamed. What do I say when my friends ask me what the bunny brought me? How do I tell them my family is different then thiers; my family does not do an egg hunt or go to church or cook a feast or argue about how much chocolate the kids can eat. There are no annual traditions, no pastel dresses. In my house, Easter is just another Sunday.

These are the memories, the feelings, the images that flood my mind when I begin to see chocolate eggs and bunnies lining the aisles of the local wal-mart. No matter how hard I try to forget...to forgive...The bitterness still stings...ouch.

 But then the sweet, well the sweetness of Easter is that God sets the solitary in families. That today I belong to believing brothers and sisters by blood as well a whole community of brothers and sisters in the body of Christ.

The bitter is that the nails stung as they were hammered into his palms and feet. The sting continued as He hung to death.

But then the sweet is that He took the sting so that I don't have to live enslaved to it anymore. He concquered the sting and rose again! Death could not keep Him, the grave could not hold Him.

For me, Easter is bittersweet. Today though, I realized the sweet is starting to outweigh the build-up of bitter. The sweetness of the sweet...it is just unbearable to even consider. What an unspeakable day of reflection, thanksgiving, and anticipation. Wow. I was so broken over not getting candy or bunnies, when the God of the Universe was broken for me.

Even before I knew my precious Jesus, you loved me. Even before I was one day old, you had the whole plan. 

Though I greatly missed celebrating this day with my sisters and brothers, what a blessing it was to remember the sacrafice on the Cross with my spiritual family here in Fayetteville. So thankful for the Herrons and the Fosters for adopting me as one of thier own. What family. What love. What sacrafice. What a Savior. Oh the sweetness of it all.

Stop Skipping Over the Tough Stuff

So over the years I have encountered a good number of people who question certain areas of scripture. There are people who argue one interpretation over another. People who believe in application of all scripture regardless of culture and those who interpret it based on culture today. Of course it’s always the controversial verses, the ones whose application is up for a good portion of debate.

Personally, I have always sort of just shut down, so to speak, when such areas come up in conversation. My mind aches even in beginning to think through the issue at hand. Trying to actually get to the bottom of it and figure out the “truth” of the Truth is just too much. I know it is True. Areas such as these have never caused me to doubt the Truth or application of scripture in my life. Despite my overwhelming lack of pursuing such knowledge in the past, the Lord ahs begun to birth a hunger in me for the answers…or maybe not even the answers perse, rather a hunger for more. He has placed in me a desire to submit to the process…to learn from the process…to be content in the process…to love the process!

So as I share some of what I have been searching out the past few days, my desire is not to claim to have all the answers or even the right answers. My intention in sharing is simply to encourage submission to the process…to feed this new found hunger the Lord has placed in me to learn from His Word, to really know His word. I don’t want to gloss over the tough stuff in scripture; it wouldn’t be tough if it wasn’t important to our lives as believers. When I look at my life, it is always in the tough seasons, the difficult conversations, the confusion that God does the most transforming work in my heart. Similarly, I think addressing these tough issues, having the hard conversations, pushing through the confusion actually engrains these precious Words from scripture upon our hearts all the more, enabling our minds to be renewed and the heart to be changed.

First off I learned that there are thee ways to interpret and view scripture:
1.) Literalism: hold to the principle and the practice outlined in scripture.
2.) Liberalism: because culture doesn’t correlate, we will reject the principle as well.
3.) Cultural transposition: principles are timeless and cultural expressions are timely.

Let’s look at 1 Timothy 2: 8-15.
I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing. I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God. A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam was formed first, the Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love, and holiness with propriety.

So out of this passage, there are really three root issues being addressed: prayer, modesty, and authority.
Principle:
• Prayer
• Modesty
• Authority

Each of these principles are expressed certain ways in this passage. The ways they are expressed are obviously relative to culture at the time. So then, we must look at each cultural expression and determine if such an expression is still appropriate within culture today. Or maybe not even whether or not it is appropriate, but whether or not it is relevant and pertains to us.

Here are the ways prayer, modesty, and authority are expressed in this passage.

Cultural Expression:
• Lift up holy hands
• No braids, pearls, gold, or expensive clothes
• Silence, teaching

So then we must sit down and ask ourselves some questions. First off, when you pray, do you lift up holy hands? If I were to answer that, I would say sometimes, but not always. Thus, I would say that this cultural expression of prayer is optional. Second, I would ask myself if I wear braids, pearls, gold or expensive clothing? Well, yes I have worn all of those, but I still dress modestly. Thus, perhaps the definition of modesty as it pertained to Timothy’s culture has changed in modern-day. As a result, I would say once again the cultural expression of modesty in this passage is optional.

Now for the big one. Third, are women in the church silent? Well, I know I’m not! In fact, I always feel like what I contribute to a discussion or study is valued by men, not looked down upon. Thus, authority is no longer expressed by women’s silence. Speaking in the church is, once again, an option. I also think that the context of the text is incredibly important. If you know anything about Ephesus (which is where Timothy is at when he gets this letter from Paul) then you would know that at the time, there was widespread worshipping of a goddess named Artimus going on and there was a lot of bickering and arguing among the people at this time. Perhaps Paul makes this statement about women being quiet simply because there are already so many voices arguing back and forth, the last thing that was needed to add to the noise are the voices of women amidst the arguing. All of this to say, the cultural expression of authority today is not in the direct silence of women, rather we expect females to have a voice.

The other aspect of this third cultural expression is teaching and the role women should or should not play in terms of this authority. I am not going to lie, out of all of these issues, this one has always been a tough one for me to even consider coming to terms with and wrestling through because I had a feeling I wasn’t going to like the conclusion I came to. Thus, this is a BIG step for me in the process! Thus far, every cultural expression we have discussed has been optional in its modern-day application. Is this aspect of women teaching optional as well?

What is it that bothers us so much about this statement in scripture? Is it the “teach” that bothers us? Or is it the “authority” that bothers us? Personally I have no desire to stand before a group as a teacher of anything, so I guess it really isn’t the teaching aspect of this verse that is so troublesome for me. Rather, it strikes me as a battle of authority…or a lack there of in my case (as a woman). I mean even I don't have a burning desire to stand before a crowd and teach or share, I want to have the right to! After listening to a pastor a couple nights ago preach regarding this very issue, my heart has not only begun to soften to this concept, but more importantly I understand why God inspired Paul to write regarding such an issue and why He orchestrated it this way from day one.

First off, in rearguards to the issue of women teaching, I do NOT believe this one is optional in contrast to the issues previously discussed. If you keep reading a few more verses, it says in chapter 3 verse 2, “Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife…” Thus, one qualification of being in a teaching role within the church is to be a husband of one wife…in order to be a husband (at least when the text was written) it was assumed you were also a man.

So then, if we do not believe women should teach in the body, then how exactly does that play out in the real world? I mean, just sitting here I can name countless women I know who teach. This bothers me because I know that some of these women are solid believers and I learn so much from the Truth they teach. This pastor who taught on this scripture a few nights ago talked about the importance of a woman’s role in ministry. Take a youth ministry for example...it would not be very effective if there was no women in some form of leadership to minister to and encourage the girls within the ministry. This particular church body reconciled this issue by taking away the titles of men and women and simply calling everyone who works within the youth ministry “staff,” so as not to demean one sex over the other. Also, in the youth groups, usually most of the high schoolers (and even some college students) are yet to really act as “men” thus a woman in leadership over them is not an issue. Also, I think it is beneficial for women to get up and share testimony or talk about an issue before the body at times. In this situation, I think if the elders of the church introduced the woman to the body and expressed their support of her sharing then ultimately the authority still lies with the elders as it should. The issue becomes then how often can this woman share? When does it become too much in the sense that her doctrine is being imposed on the body and the authority is now inappropriate? I don’t claim to have all the answers with any of this…still wrestling through it in my own life but these are just some of the thoughts occupying my mind today.

Anyhow, even though I don't understand all of the ins and outs of how this statement applies modern day, I do know that the Lord did not create women to be in authority over one another or over men...we need godly men desperately! It is really interesting that this particular verse came up because I have really been challenged by one of my roomates to study this role of a "spiritual authority" or a fatherly figure in a young woman's life over the past week or so and I have heard lots of differing thoughts on the matter, but one thing I do know is that girls need daddys!!!! Espcially in the society we live in today where over half of marriages are ending in divorce causing the way God intended for daddy's to father thier children and mom's to mother their children to drift far from the way he designed it to be. So at this point even as I struggle to really come to terms with the punch this statement packs so to speak, I hold firm to the truth that girls need dads...why? Well, becuase girls simply can't go at it alone, or even just with other girls...we need to be led and loved!

A Little Break

Well an overwhelmingly challenging and difficult week came to a conclusion with a of the spur of the moment roadtrip to Springfield with the precious Herron family. Upon arrival I got to enjoy a delicious dinner with all the King family and thier spouses. Of course a hug from my big sis Ash always makes things just a little a better! :) So blessed by challenging and encouraging conversations with Al and Scott on the road too!

While they went to a wedding, I got to spend some sweet and much needed time with my sweet friend Julie who is at MSU. We spent the night in the one and only blue house with girls who are in Lightbearers, the same discipleship program I am in down here in Fayetteville. We stayed up WAY too late having some intense and challenging conversations, and while I missed out on some precious sleep I am soooo greateful for the conversations had and the time I got to spend with these girls. Before I even arrived Julie and I agreed we HAD to knock out a TON of homework....of course that didn't happen but that's okay.

Instead, we served at a local food bank that provides meals for kids in poverty inflicted countries where many are starving. The meals consisted of these bags which we filled with rice, soy, beans, and dried veggies, a combination which had proven incredibly sucessful in the rehabilitation and re-feeding of these malnourished populations. The nutritionists who get to come up with these types of formulas are so interesting to me...who knows maybe part of a career path for me one day! After this we walked (yes, no car to get around in...what a concept!) to lunch at a fun little restaurant. Then we went back in attempt to get all that homework done, but after about an hour both of us found ourselves laying in Julie's little twin bed exahusted from our nearly all-nighter. Oh and might I add, that no nap would be complete without Julie pouring water into my ear and hair prior to sleeping simply because I didn't want her nutso alarm to wake me up!

Anyhow, once we finally did wake up a couple hours later, we had dinner in a dining hall...really got the full out college experience! Then we both realized the homework thing just wasn't gunna happen so we got a very special tour of campus from the one and only Claire and then we had a photoshoot on campus until my camera decided to die...of couse right when I'm about to take a picture of us breaking the rules and going into the fountain on campus!!! Oh well. We had so much fun just goofying off and talking about life. I havn't laughed so much in quite a long time. A much needed break, that is for sure. So thankful for my sweet friend Julie for letting me come hang and just for being such an encouragement to me!

Here are a few pics from the weekend....

Sweet Friend so wonderful to spend a weekend with you!!!

Thankful in All Things

Man oh man do you ever just have those days...weeks...when it seems life just has it out for you? I have no clue how that statement measures up biblically speaking, but I do know that is how it has been feeling around here the past few days...nearly a week really. I wish I could see the big picture in moments like these. I wish I could see past the pain, past the hurt, past the tears, past the confusion...I wish I could see the story, the healing, the inexpressible joy, the soveign perfection of his plan. Why am I so blind? So selfish? So prideful?

Oh my precious Jesus how I need thee. Oh how I need thee.

This past week has brought some unexpecteds in my life that I never saw coming. Some conversations that have held so much hurt, my heart still lays tattered inside my chest. I have been challenged in some areas that I didn't even know existed until several days ago. I have felt defeated, run over, discouraged, not-so-lovingly wounded even. It is funny how you have no idea how precious something is until you realize that you don't have it anymore. And by the time you realize that change has occured, there is no room to even look back on how it used to be; the loss stings a bit and yet the process of losing resonates deep inside, as the pain intensifies with the continual drudge of a heartbeat that must keep in beating.

Through the stream of unexpecteds over the past week, through the fear and trembling as my salvation stands firm, through the tears and groans of my ever-heavy heart, through the laborous toils and mundane tasks that must be accomplished in the midst of it all, I have seen learned oneTruth that I cannot seem to escape.

For some reason I cannot escape this one little verse all week. Three times in a period of several days the Lord presented before my eyes...once in a quiet time, once in a book and again from a fellow blogger. So it got me thinking...

Ephesians 5:20 reads, "…always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."

What does he really mean by this? I mean it says to always give thanks for everything...if we really took this scripture for what it says, then how would that change the position of my heart? Well, honestly, it would be weird...I mean who says they're thankful for the earthquakes in Japan for example? What would I think if someone told me that they were thankful I was sick today? Such a concept just seems to scream CRAZY! The first thought in my mind is this can't be right...people are going to think I've gone off the deep end. And yet, is there ever anything about scripture that seems to mesh well with the ways of the world? In fact, James tells us about friendship with the world all right..."You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God."

After a bit of wrestling this one out, I have come to the conclusion that, much to my dimay, the Lord intends for this verse to resonate deeply in the way in which I walk through life. So here I am. I know that I am commanded to give thanks for all things, to Him.

Too bad doing so means putting a pause on that spinning cycle of self-pity I've been lost in.

• Thank you for the pain.
• Thank you for arguements.
• Thank you for hours of crying.
• Thank you that no one showed up to an event I planned.
• Thank you for never letting the words come out how I practice them.
• Thank you for taking something precious.
• Thank you for loneliness.
• Thank you for change, for unexpected change of course.
• Thank you for my people-pleasing skills.
• Thank you for food poisoning.

I need to start thanking my God for ALL things. Even before they start working together for my good.