So just a few minutes ago I was driving home from my first anthropology test. The last 5 or 6 days of my life have been spent making note cards, studying them, studying them some more, and when I felt like I knew it well enough, of course my perfectionist mind told me to study some more…or else. Or else what? I wouldn’t do as good as I could if I devoted another hour of study to the material? Doubtful. I wouldn’t be able to say I gave it my absolute best? Nope. The truth of the matter is that I fear getting anything less then perfect…and to me perfect is an A. Thus, if I didn’t study that extra hour, and came out with a B or worse, well whose fault is that? Mine of course. Never does this fleshly mind of mine even consider that the test could be hard. That maybe the material I’m studying doesn’t contain one of the test question answers within it. Or maybe no matter how many hours I committed to studying, I just did not have the ability to understand a portion of the material presented. The reasons for a lack of success on this test are numerous, and yet the only reason for any score less then perfect, in my mind, is me.
I know this is the story of sin in my life over and over again…never feeling good enough. Never feeling like I can measure up to this standard. This standard that at one point may have been held by my parents for me, but now is completely something I bring upon myself. Whether that be academically, physically, intellectually, ministry wise, etc, its like that stupid little voice echoes between my ears from the moment my feet the floor to the moment my eyes shut, day after day. Well, I have had enough. I refuse to continue to allow satan to bring distraction, stress, and destruction upon my life anymore, even in these small areas like an anthropology test.
This is the thing…if I studied hard, in obedience to serving the Lord as a student (which is what He has called me to for this season of my life) and took this test and got something less then perfect, would I allow that to define me? Does a letter on a piece of paper tell me whether or not I’m good enough? Is this what I allow to measure my worth? I think that most of my life I have been a slave to my grades, to this perfectionist mindset. Maybe at times, it has been less evident because other sin has masked over it in my life, but at this point, as I continually am being refined by the Creator, I am seeing more and more how significant and destructive these small areas of pride are affecting me and my devotion to the Lord.
Today I realized that this constant, ceaseless drive somewhere in me to perform well, to look all put together on the outside, to be the best…in the end, what does it matter? REALLY, what does one grade on one test, one grade in one class even matter when you compare it to eternity with Christ??? Now I am not saying I need to quit studying or working hard in school…I’m not saying my time at college doesn’t matter…I know this is the job the Lord’s given me and that I’m bringing Him glory in pursuing it and doing well, HOWEVER, when I sit here and think about how stressed out I have been the past few days, how the battle in my mind was heightened a few notches, how I have experienced zero peace, even when I’m resting, how my relationships have suffered, how I haven’t received much from the Word as I read it, how I have walked around defeated. Sin ALWAYS separates us from the Father…it creates this wall. And surely striving to do well on this one test doesn’t create this 30 foot wall between He and I instantaneously, but a few layers of bricks have been laid down. Next week when I have another test, a few more will pile up. You get the picture. Not to mention, that even with those few layers of bricks, I can see the effects they have had, that this idol in my life, has had upon me and my intimacy with Christ.
I refuse to continue to put grades higher then Jesus. As crazy as that sounds to me, even typing it, that is what I’m doing. I am essentially saying, ‘Lord, I’m sorry but I know that I will never measure up unless I get an A on this test, so I have to put everything else aside to prepare for it and nothing is more important then it. I’ll spend an hour in your Word this morning, (“putting you first”) but the whole time all I will think about is how stressed I am how much I have to do and how much more I could get done if I didn’t have to read your Word right now or if I put it off til later.” Ironically, if I were really reading the Word of God and open to receiving what the Lord had to say to me before now, I would be reading about who I am in Christ…about how I am called before I was even a day old with a purpose and plan for my life. I would feel His words of love, mercy, grace, and peace flowing over every part of my body. I would understand and BELIEVE that who I am is a daughter of the most High King who has a perfect and beautiful plan for my life and His opinion is ultimately the only one that matters. I would stop looking to the faces of everyone else, of ink on a piece of paper to tell me if I am pretty enough, smart enough, perfect enough…I would start to understand a different book of black and white ink that says it is NOT even possible for me to ever be good enough…and God knew that long before He made me…so He so graciously gave His Son for me to experience the fullness of life with Him. Jesus fills the gap between my imperfection and lack of goodness and the holiness and perfectness of my Heavenly Father. Apart from Christ, I am NOTHING but a sick nasty sinner. How prideful I am to even think that getting an A on this test could change that or bring some sense of satisfaction inside of me that seems to have me convinced I am anything of worth apart from my Creator.
The Word says, “Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…” Rom 12:2. This got me thinking...here I am walking around stressed out about school, overwhelmed, anxious, prideful, worried about what everyone else thinks, with no sense of peace or joy in my life, reaching to attain this measure of success in my life. It made me ask myself, if this is what my life is, then how does that make me look any different from the girl sitting next to me in class who doesn’t have a relationship with Christ? Truth be told, it doesn’t. The Word says we are not to conform to the world…rather, we are to be light in the darkness. And I have seen a heightened extent of that darkness on this college campus. But my life this past week had no glow about it, I just went along, blending into the rest of the darkness around me. That’s the other problem with putting grades so high that I stress out, with trying to manipulate them to build this false sense of worth…it makes me look like everyone else. And I know that the righteousness of Christ lives in me, the SAME power that conquered the grave LIVES in me…that means I should really look nothing like anyone else you know.
The second part of that verse says BUT, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. So I asked myself, how do I allow the Lord to transform my mind. Instantly I think, well through time with Him and His Word of course. And what is the first place that the enemy attacked this week through this stress…my time in the Word! Even when I spent time in it, getting little tastes of it, it was like I just couldn’t digest anything I read. Praise God that His Word is LIFE to my whole being!
"His divine power has given us everything we need for a life of godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through these He has given us a very great and precious promise, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." - 2 Peter 1:3-4
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