His Voice is Louder

"God never with holds from His child that which His love and wisdom call good. God's refusals are always merciful -- "severe mercies" at times but mercies all the same. God never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better."


— Elisabeth Elliot

I spent the past semester in friendship and then a dating relationship with a sweet boy who has a beautiful heart for the Lord. We enjoyed our time together, laughing, challenging one another and learning about the Maker. We set incredible boundaries. We had older men and women, couples, and friends surrounding us, pouring into us and keeping us accountable. We each have an intimate relationship with Jesus, which we placed before everything else…including one another. We decided early on that snuggling, caressing, and kissing were not even up for discussion until there was a ring on my finger. We wouldn’t spend time talking on the phone that day, if we hadn’t both been in the Word that morning. I don’t share this to boast or to get a pat on the back, but more so to say that we were doing most things pretty well…at least as best we knew how. Both of hearts desire was and still is nothing more then to glorify God in our own lives, and more so as we came together in a relationship by maintaining our purity and guarding one another. I knew that we were "different"...we were doing it all right...we were being obedient to the Lord.

Despite doing all of things “right” and doing the best we knew how, there came a point when I knew that pursuing this relationship further would not continue to bring glory to the Maker. Nothing “bad” ever happened nor did I ever stop having feelings for him. Yet, I knew that for some reason at this point in my life, obedience to God required ending this relationship. Even just yesterday, a month after it happened, I still have people call and ask me to explain what happened because they don’t understand. I wish that I understood fully. One thing I do know is that I am not ready for marriage. Another thing I know is that I am never going to date a boy again...I understand now how God did not create us to date...we are created for marriage. I do not stand an exeption to that rule as I thought I did :) The last thing I know is that when it is time to meet the man I am going to marry, the Lord will have already prepared us both and he will know I am his. This is how it is intended to be; we are simply not created to be in relationship with the opposite sex outside of the marriage covenant. I won't settle for anything less.


God just reminded me of the purity I desire before Him. He is showing me what purity really means. I’d never thought much about it, but purity is so much more then my body and my heart even. That means I have the responsibility to save so much more for my husband then just my heart and my body. Even saving certain conversations, certain activities, time with my family, holidays, giving gifts, words of affirmation, being told certain things even….I learned/am learning that purity is so much more then heart and body thing, but that it is literally EVERY aspect of your life that you share in depth with someone. I don’t want to be married to my husband one day and think back to waking up in my PJs with this boy who wasn’t him years down the road. I don’t want my husband to write a song for me and as he plays it I am thinking of the boy who wrote and sang me one years ago. I don’t want anyone BUT my husband to know the intimate details of my life….my biggest fears, deepest passions, visions for my life. Even something as simple as worshipping in the body together is a BIG deal and something that I want to only experience with my husband!!!! It’s a process I guess and I am learning.



My time with Him is sooooooooooo precious to me…more then ever before actually. I have a whole new understanding of Him being my groom, my Father, and LORD. Crazy. He is enthralled by me, knows me intimately, He protects me like a dad, and He has my life (my future husband) all under control…He already knows how the story ends, after all He wrote it before I was a day old…whaaaat?! I have nothing to worry about…really. My flesh tries to convince me otherwise, even just the reactions of my family who loved getting to know this boy, not understanding how nothing happened, yet I sent him home on a plane all of a sudden…you must be crazy Courtney, what are you thinking?! And yet…HE IS LORD. I know whose voice better be louder in my life…and unless it is, I know that my life just won’t make sense. At the end of the day, He really is ENOUGH!



"God is God. Because he is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience. I will find rest nowhere but in His holy will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what he is up to."

— Elisabeth Elliot

The American Dream

The American Dream:

Who doesn't fantasize about it? We would be crazy not to dream of it. It is in our blood, I would argue. Part of our rearing from infancy on up, really. Like learning to walk and talk...it comes naturally to us after so long. Part of who we are, who we are told we are at least. Life without it, well life without the American dream...would be...well, what?

What would your life without the American Dream be? Would you dream about your wedding day, ladies? Your future children, yeah the ones that you are going to make with the cute boy who sits in front of you in bio class. Guys- would you pursue that law degree with the same enthusiasm and eagerness? Would your yearning to have that new TV with the newest, most up-to-date games so that all of your friend will envy you and beg you to entertain still yield the same satisfaction? What about the nice house with the white picket fence, the dog running through the green grass on a warm, breezy day. The kids all sitting at the table finishing their homework, the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven while mom starts dinner, in anticipation of dad coming home after a long days work, ready to roll around on the floor with the kids until bedtime. After which, mom and dad finally retreat to he couch, all snuggled up, a bowl of popcorn in one hand, remote in the other as they laugh their way through the newest reality TV show that is on that night. Tomorrow...well, tomorrow is strikingly just as beautifully perfect. For the past 20 years of my life, well as long as I can remember, this has always been my dream. In fact, I could dream of settling for nothing less. The American dream. The Ultimate dream. The Life.

Even in the past year or so, people will ask me what my major is and what I want to do with it. After the awkward laugh and explanation to accompany it of just how many times my major has already changed in my first couple years of school and that currently, I am studying ____, but not really sure if this is what I am suppossed to be doing, because honestly, I will tell them, I just don't care what I graduate with...I wish I could just go to school to be a wife and mom because that is what I feel called to do with my life anyways. They often nod their head and smile, assuring me of the importance of a college education and how one day I will be glad I have one. I hear this as, "Well, lemme know how that works out for you...you'll be wishing you had a real job in no time. That won't last you long."



I smile and laugh inside. Oh how many more times must I hear this?



Yet lately, I hear, "Courtney, my sweet, precious daughter. You think that you are special, which you are to me, but you think that something should be given to you...a pat on the back maybe, for standing firm in what you feel you are called to do, particularly since it does not often make sense to the typical American non-believer in today's society. You think this is persecution. I mean what could be worse...they are putting down everything you dream about, right? You think you understand what sacrificing for me means? You think you know, huh? Well let me ask you this: what if I told you to give it all up? What if I told you that you were never going to marry? That you would never carry or birth your own flesh and blood? That you would never live your version of the American Dream?"



Would you give it all up for me? Would you still praise me? Would you still love me? Would you still passionately proclaim my Name through all the earth? Am I really worth EVERYTHING to you?



It seems in a matter of days the life that all I have always dreamed about is coming tumbling down before me and oddly, I am okay with that. What if, just what if, this isn't my dream anymore?



The more time I spend here, the less I want it. The more time I spend here, the more disgusted I become....with the culture, Hollywood, Television, food, music, hypocrisy, money, fashion, education, the church, education, and more then anything else, myself.



Is there something wrong with me? I would tend to say, yes there is something very wrong. My family would gladly agree. And yet, in weird and only God provided ways, I can now see His gentle preparation of proposing this seemingly crazy concept to me actually began several years ago and has been slowly building to now. I will share more about this later.



Would you give it all up for him tomorrow, if He asked you to? Do you trust Him with your life? Do you know Him like that? Is He more important to you then the American dream? Is He really worth it all? Your dreams? Your boyfriend? Your friends? Your education? Your dream job? Your clothes? Your money? Your stuff? Your comfort? Your status? Your family? Your LIFE?


For now, I leave you to battle it out with this: Is He really worth everything?

He Redeems

What began as an attempt to express some of my frustration in a situation this week, in a semi-productive way, turned into this:


Sir,

With every ounce of my being, I want to hate you. Utterly detestable, like the scum you pull up from the shower drain. That’s what I see when I look at you. The worst of the worst, the most perverted of the sick. My flesh wants to take you on. Bring it. To jump right on you and slam my fist into you nose. To punch you right in the gut. You deserve death. You deserve to suffer great pain and horror, then you deserve nothing more then death. Yet do I deserve any better?

That is what you’ve caused them. Ever think about that? Have you ever thought about them? The ones behind the faces? Why do you avoid her eyes? Do her cries for relief not phase you? I guess her body is greater to you. Greater then pleas uttered from her lips or the tears pouring forth from her sunken in eyes. Do you know how you worship a temple? A created thing, an idol, a false god? Her body…it is a temple. You scum, you dirty bulldozer. You, with all your might, you pound your steel upon her shimmering exterior.

Once, twice. She is bruised, banged up a little. Her paint is scratched. A chunk, missing from the wooden door, the glass of the window cracking a bit. Three, four times now. Her shimmer is gone. Her color is drained. It seems the darkness is setting in over the noonday. Five, six. You’re not the first. You plow through as the trembling wall comes tumbling down in your wake. But you don’t even take a glance, no you don’t look back. Obviously, you won’t be the last. Seven, eight. An entire side exposed. No protection from the storm, nothing to cover up the holes. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve. You come again, One, with a few more. Room for all, all for one. Another wall cries out as it collides with the concrete floor, clashing and crashing. Oh the pieces. You look no more. What once was whole now is scattered, all of the pieces shattered. On the outside, what a sight she was. All glowy and flowy. But now she lays before you, Sir. All tattered, busted, screaming for her, it’s the only way she dissuades your lure.

Get out, get out! You tell her now. Get out of this brain you’ve infected somehow. You walk, you move, anything to numb the stain that you cannot overcome. See, I tell you now, avoid her eyes, you man of scum. You will not live but death you cannot overcome. I want to punch you, slap your check. Yet, He tells me, He’s the only one who can redeem. You? Yes. Somehow, even you are chosen to be clean.
Although you wash yourself with soda and use an abundance of soap, the stain of your guilt is still before me. -Jeremiah 2:22
Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. Isa. 1:18
Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon. Isa 55:7
I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.
Isa. 43:25
I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. Isa. 44:22
This is what the LORD Almighty says: 'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Zechariah 7:9

He heals. He redeems. Even my prideful, arrogant, selfish, judgemental heart. Praise HIM!!!!

More Then Just A Hobby?

I have been told a few times lately that I should start a business. I LOVE scrapbooking! I would even say it is more then a "hobby." I really, really love every aspect of doing it, especially when it is for people close to me who I love and who I know will enjoy it.

I know NOTHING about business honestly. I wouldn't even know where to start! How do you get the word out? How do you price things? Do I scrapbook actual books for customers, pursue cardmaking, do special frames that are scrapbooked? How do I market? Price things? How do I even know if people would actually pay money for that? What if its a total bust?

I enjoy it so much because it is personal. When I choose a verse of scripture or a quote or a color scheme, it is because I know the person for whom I'm making it will love those details. How would I pursue more creating for more people, yet maintain this personal aspect to the creation which is what makes me so passionate about doing it to begin with?

Hypothetically, if this whole business thing ever did work out, how incredible would that be to be able to use the profits to further the Kingdom?! I've been thinking about it a lot actaully. It could help fund a home for the girls enslaved to human sextrafficking with a desire to get free. It could fund missions around the world. It could be used to bless my Potter's House girls' families. And without a doubt I would give a percentage to Mercy Ministries. Wow. Never thought of how the money could be used in all of these ways. Lord, give me wisdom and guidance in how to pursue this if it is something you desire for me to do.

Could this really become more then just a hobby?

My Life is a Vapor.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed--by life, by decisions, by oppurtunities, by JESUS! Oh if my brain could only begin to understand His love, I think it would just fall righ out of my head. There are so many decisions to make as a twenty-something-year-old college student.
major.
job.
husband.
school.
place to live.
money.
ministries to serve in.
friendships.
habits.
theology.
lifetyle.
passions.
vision.
dreams.

Oh I could go on forever. I feel like I am at a pivitol point in my life right now, yet I'm not exactly sure what this means or whether or not I paricularly like it. Yet, here I am. I sit as an avid onlooker as I begin to observe friends make some of these decisions. I see them choosing a degree. Planning a future with a soon to be husband. Pusing the job of thier dreams. I even see them taking interest in a budget! :) And I ask myself, when did it happen? When did we leave childhood and grow up? Yesterday I was just a careless kid without a worry in the world and now...well now I am expected to make decisions that effect the rest of my life. Where is the off switch? I can't seem to make it stop! Growing up? Really?! Make it STOP!

Mostly, there are just so many things the Lord has laid on my heart, so many things I want to do, places I want to go, people I want to minister to, things I want to learn, ways I want to serve, missions I want to fund. Every which way I look lately, I see opputunity after oppurtuniy presenting itself and yet how do I decifer what areas He is calling me to serve in? Where He wants me to go? What He wants me to do? Need I go on?

But then I am brought back down to the point of understanding that this life...MY LIFE...is a VAPOR! Yes a vapor. Wow. Better make it count. Better spend every moment loving like Him, sharing His name, glorifying His Word, being changed by the Spirit of God that lives in me. Apart from this, what does the rest of it matter?

Until tomorrow, when the list of oppurtunities and decisions overtakes my thoughts yet again....

Blindness

Why is it so easy to take up that yoke of slaver that once so entangled my life? Why is it that in the midst of stress, confusion, or isolation that little tap at the door becomes stronger? Next thing I know, the door is busted down before my feet. I stand. Afraid to move. Taking a step back to get a better view of the mess before me, I realize mending the door will take effort. Afterall, it is cracked, chunks are scattered. Like a puzzle sort of. Putting it back together will take time. And work. Lots of work. Not to mention, picking the door back up...putting it back on its hinges. I don't even know how to do that honestly. Doubtful I could even muster the strength to lift it on my own. Though they do call me a hauss. Yet this seems daunting.

So here I stand. Afraid to move. Or intimidated by making a move. Yes afraid. The other option, then, if not to stand here all day would be to take a step back. Away from the door. Away from the mess. Away from the overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame which overtake me as my eyes glaze over what lays at my feet. Yes, that sounds good. Much easier then the alternative. Less work too.

Taking a step back from the mess my life has become, the lingering anxiety lessens a bit. This feel good. Yes very good. Another step back. The little pieces are no longer visible. Less overwhleming. Good. Another step back. The light is dimmer back here. I see the door on the ground, but everything else is a bit hazy. Another step back. I can barely make out the rectangular shape. Just a little light lingers where the door once stood. One more step back. I'm lost in darkness. Entangled by the very sin that knockd the door down.

I look around for someone, anyone, to help loose these ropes and chains binding me. To get them off. Anything. I need relief. Oh why did I come back this far? I didn't mean to! Really. I just couldn't face that door and the mess it placed before me. But now, well now that door doesn't seem so scary. The fact that I look around, yet see nothing--now that is scary.

"But whenever anyone turns to the LORD, the veil is taken away. Now the LORD is the Spirit and where the Spirit of the LORD is there is FREEDOM. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the LORD's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the LORD who is the Spirit." 2 Cor. 3:16-18

"The god of this age has binded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Chris, who is te image of God." 2 Cor. 4:4

John Piper

To close out Passion, Piper spoke on the last night.

His main question:
Do you feel more loved by God because He makes much or you or because He enables you to enjoy making much out of Him?

Piper explained how the "bottom of your joy" is who you are. Either it is you at the bottom or it is God. For many, God is not at the bottom. Many even claim to be followers of Christ, settle for living with themeselves at the bottom and regaurdless of how much they love God, they are going to hell. Even in the gospels when people were healing and casting out demons in Jesus name, some where still hell bound. God loves us in the bible in a way that makes clear His design in making much of us is to make clear He be made much of!

Ponder this: Did Christ die for us or fo God?
He died for me because its for Him because He is at the bottom...John 17:24

Piper shared 7 Ways God makes much of you:

1. By being pleased with us and commending our lives. (The Weight of Glory)
• Well done, good and faithful servant.
• Even the theif on the cross...gracious God.
2. By making us fellow heirs with His Son who owns everything.
• Blessed arethe meek for they will inherit
• Rom 4:13
• 1 Cor. 3:21
• Matt 5:5
• God makes much of you so you inherit the world...what do you need now?!? YOURE GOING TO GET IT ALL!!!
3. By having us sit at table when Jesus returns and He will serve us.
• Luke 12:37
4. By apointing us to carry out the judgement fo the angels.
• Dan. 7:10...100 million angels
• Dont know exactly what this means, but its NOT SMALL!!!
5. By ascribing value to us and rejoicing over us
• Zeph. 3:17
•  Matt 10:30
• You will not simply be pleasing to God but you will be THRILLING!
• No one can look at you with natural eyes because you'll look worthy of being worshipped...wow what does this even mean? My brain cant go there.
6. By granting you to sit with Christ on His throne
• Rev. 3:21

Why does He reveal His love?
Gods love for you that makes much of His glory is a greater love for you then if He made you a supreme treasure. You will never be able to be stong enough, beautiful enough to bear the weight at the bottom...ONLY HE CAN!

I love you and you're so precious to me that I will not let your preciousness to me become your God...I will be your God and I LOVE YOU!