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2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Beautiful Sisters
I am so incredibly blessed to have three beautiful sisters. One by birth and two by marriage, all three of them have really only been apart of my life for four years now, and yet I feel as if I've been close to them my entire life. I have never felt so much love. There really is nothing in the world like a sister. The bond you share within such a realtionship simply does not compare to anything else. A sister is like a best friend for life...through the good and the bad. My sisters have truly walked with me through it all and for that I am so incredibly grateful. God has used them in my life to teach me and guide me in countless decisions and ways. I will never understand the perfection of His timing and simply His sovereign will--He is so gracious! I have never experiened the love of Christ modeled before me more then through these three precious women. In fact, if it were not for them coming into my life five years ago and essentially taking me in and just loving the heck out of me when I felt unlovable, I would not know Jesus today...I probably wouldnt be alive today. Praise God for His sovereign will and timing...and for His unfathomable love, first modeled to me by these beautiful women whom I am beyond blessed to call my sisters.
Every Christmas Eve we take a sister picture...this is one of my most precious moments every year. Tonight we took our fifth picture together...crazy that it has already been five years, yet at the same time it feels like a lifetime. As I look back through each of these images, my mind floods with recollections of what was going on in my own life and the role my sisters played in that as the years progressed. Some of these images bring great joy to my heart, others I see the hopelessness and deep pain which consumed my life. But this year as I sit and look at this sister picture, tears pour forth from my eyes as my heart is overwhelming thankful for these three incredible women in my life, three women the Lord has given to me to call sisters. They have walked with me through a lot the past years, and I am excited to see all God has in store for the next five! What a blessed girl I am to get to walk through life with these three women by my side! I love you Angel, Meg and Cindy. Thank you for loving me when I was unlovable. Thank you for walking through what seemed like hell with me. Thank you for just loving the heck out of me...for never leaving my side. Thanks for loving me like Jesus to the point where I finally realized He was my only hope. Thank you for spurring me along in my walk, for teaching me about Gods Word and taking me to church with you this very night, five years ago. Obviously, my life will never be the same. He who began this good work in me in faithful to bring it to completion...in all of us! I love you with all of my heart and you three are truly one of the greatest gifts in my life.
Monday, December 6, 2010
A New Major
The past year or so, I have been incredibly passionate about pursing my degree in psychology, aching to help girls with life controlling issues who just need to understand the love of Christ.For some reason, this semester I have been discontent within my major. Mostly I keep hitting this brick wall....like I am learning a lot about different areas of psych b/c im in three classes this semester within my major but its like everything Im learning I have seen modeled in my own life, and I have seen how it does NOT work! You know they tell you to medicate the problem, look deeper in yourself for strength...use this model of treatment, then try this....and so on. Then it hit me...what am I doing spending four years and a ton of money to learn about something that doesnt even work!?! The answer is Jesus...He's the only way out of any psychological issue regaurdless of what it is and I am living proof of that and I know that in my profession I would not want to preach or practice anything different then that. So why am devoting my college career to learning about something that doesnt help anyone? Not to mention, that graduating w/ a psych degree means nothing....Id have to get my masters at the least, but generally you need your PhD to get any decet job. By that point,I wouldnt even want to be working anyways....thats another 6 years of school/internship....and really eventually I just want to be a wife and mom anyhow.
So then I came back to what do i do? I explored some other fields...home econ stuff, nursing again, social work and dietetics. I'm sure nursing is not for me. Social work would be great, but again you are limted by the state in your ability to share the gospel. That wouldnt work. Nutrition and dietetics really interests me, but I always swore I would never become a dietition because of the hatred I have always had for the ones in my life for all those years. So, a few weeks ago, I decided to keep my major in psych and minor in general nutrition. Mostly becuase I love learning about how food is created and how it breaks down in your body. The Lord has surrounded me with women who teach me so much about health and balance and food...I love getting to watch them raise thier families in a healthy way and learn from them. So how great would that be if I could get college credit to learn how to prepare food in a balanced way for my own family one day! Then I realized I had to take tons of extra science classes just to minor in that, so it didnt make sense.
I have a precious freind here in Fayetteville that I've gotten the privalige of getting to spend some time with. It just so happens that she is in her last year of the dietetics program at the U of A. We've spent a lot of time over the semester just talking about nutrition and such. I love getting to hear all she is learning and she just has the most beautiful heart for her field...I know the Lord is going to use her in incredible ways through this career and she has consistently spoken Truth into my life in this area too which is totally the Lord. So basically, all semester I have been seeing this and really Julie just opened my eyes to the fact that dieticians really are not evil or out to get me, nor were they ever. In my heart, I just had this deep hatred for all those women who told me I had to eat that, could not only eat that, had to do this and so on. I swore I would never become one of them, despite my passion for learning about health and wanting to help hurting girls. The Lord has been using Julie in such a sweet way this whole time, and really I had no idea. I know that He placed her in my life for a purpose and what blessing that it has been. Not only have I found an incredible friend, sister in Christ who is such an encouragement and role model to me, but she showed me that if this really is a desire of my heart to pursue this major, it does not mean I will be evil or that my own life will be consumed by thoughts of food again. She does such a great job about keeping balance in her own life. Just getting to be around her and watch her life a little has shown me that I really can pursue this degree and not be burdened by my old yoke of slavery, not to return to it so to speak. And she has been so real with me about how that is and can be a struggle at times, but that does not mean it has to consume you. She really does live it out...she is normal and walking in freedom and majoring in dietetics! And she gets it. She completely understands how easy it is to be "a weird dietetics student" as she would put it and yet I dont have to be that way! Praise the Lord He is faithful and continually refining us. How incredible is it that I come here to Fayetteville completely and only because of the Lord's direction and through a random connection meet this precious girl who just loves on me and encourages me and lets me be apart of her life and takes time to pour into me and through that is used by God to change my perception of things and in turn to realize what He is calling me to pursue with my time in college! He is SO FAITHUFL! Julz I am so thankful for you and your obedience to the Lord...thanks for being such an encouragement and just being real about life.
So, I was driving home from STL and talking to my best friend Lesley and she was stressing out about not knowing what shes doing with her life and how she keeps going back and forth between majors...she said something and we kept talking and literally I had not seriously considered changing my major up to this point...just talking about it and praying but in that moment on the phone it hit me like a ton of bricks....the Lord was just like Courtney, I know youre miserable in this major b/c its not about me eventhough you know Im the only way....so just do it....change! Its really okay...you dont need to be scared that the plan is changing....TRUST ME! I know whats best for you...Ill get you throught the science courses....I will sustain you. I will use this to refine you and draw you closer to me....its okay to be afraid but I PROMISE you, you can handle this...youre ready...youre not a slave to food anymore..you can do it! and it was like in this moment I could not explain it in words, but I had total and complete peace this is what He was calling me to do. So I literally said outloud to Lesely....thankyou I needed to hear what you just said. I think Im going to change my major! And she she kinda laughed a nervous laugh, and I could tell she wasn't quite convinced b/c I had said that before, but never followed through. It's not like me to deviate from THE PLAN. In fact, it is the hardest thing in world for me to think something will happen the way Ive always envisioned and then for it to look different...and here I was changing my mind. Again. To me that seems like its not okay....like I'm a mess and cannot stick with anything you know. Well anyways, I didnt tell anyone about what the Lord was telling me. I just got up the next morning and drove to campus. Then I couldnt figure out where the office was to change my major, so I called Julie and she explained it and encouraged me which was totally the Lord speaking through her. Anyways, I walked right in told them what I wanted to do and he filled out the paperwork. It was like one of those moments where time is happening but my world was on pause...it was surreal almost. All I can say is I experienced a complete, total peace that transcends all understanding in those moments....and that was that. I left and came home and havnt looked back since!
I love learning about all this kinda stuff and it will also help me to raise healthy kiddos one day and know what im putting into thier bodies...as for a career I dont know what that may look like but the Lord does and I'm excited to maybe even get to help girls who are where I once was you know....and so what if they hate me? Priase God for redemption and the fact that now my security is in HIM! In fact, I can simply point them to Jesus. The Lord really does have a snese of humor...I HATED all of my dieticians over those years...and now, I am becoming one. Praise the Lord. :)
Plus, I already have a minor in psychology!
So then I came back to what do i do? I explored some other fields...home econ stuff, nursing again, social work and dietetics. I'm sure nursing is not for me. Social work would be great, but again you are limted by the state in your ability to share the gospel. That wouldnt work. Nutrition and dietetics really interests me, but I always swore I would never become a dietition because of the hatred I have always had for the ones in my life for all those years. So, a few weeks ago, I decided to keep my major in psych and minor in general nutrition. Mostly becuase I love learning about how food is created and how it breaks down in your body. The Lord has surrounded me with women who teach me so much about health and balance and food...I love getting to watch them raise thier families in a healthy way and learn from them. So how great would that be if I could get college credit to learn how to prepare food in a balanced way for my own family one day! Then I realized I had to take tons of extra science classes just to minor in that, so it didnt make sense.
I have a precious freind here in Fayetteville that I've gotten the privalige of getting to spend some time with. It just so happens that she is in her last year of the dietetics program at the U of A. We've spent a lot of time over the semester just talking about nutrition and such. I love getting to hear all she is learning and she just has the most beautiful heart for her field...I know the Lord is going to use her in incredible ways through this career and she has consistently spoken Truth into my life in this area too which is totally the Lord. So basically, all semester I have been seeing this and really Julie just opened my eyes to the fact that dieticians really are not evil or out to get me, nor were they ever. In my heart, I just had this deep hatred for all those women who told me I had to eat that, could not only eat that, had to do this and so on. I swore I would never become one of them, despite my passion for learning about health and wanting to help hurting girls. The Lord has been using Julie in such a sweet way this whole time, and really I had no idea. I know that He placed her in my life for a purpose and what blessing that it has been. Not only have I found an incredible friend, sister in Christ who is such an encouragement and role model to me, but she showed me that if this really is a desire of my heart to pursue this major, it does not mean I will be evil or that my own life will be consumed by thoughts of food again. She does such a great job about keeping balance in her own life. Just getting to be around her and watch her life a little has shown me that I really can pursue this degree and not be burdened by my old yoke of slavery, not to return to it so to speak. And she has been so real with me about how that is and can be a struggle at times, but that does not mean it has to consume you. She really does live it out...she is normal and walking in freedom and majoring in dietetics! And she gets it. She completely understands how easy it is to be "a weird dietetics student" as she would put it and yet I dont have to be that way! Praise the Lord He is faithful and continually refining us. How incredible is it that I come here to Fayetteville completely and only because of the Lord's direction and through a random connection meet this precious girl who just loves on me and encourages me and lets me be apart of her life and takes time to pour into me and through that is used by God to change my perception of things and in turn to realize what He is calling me to pursue with my time in college! He is SO FAITHUFL! Julz I am so thankful for you and your obedience to the Lord...thanks for being such an encouragement and just being real about life. So, I was driving home from STL and talking to my best friend Lesley and she was stressing out about not knowing what shes doing with her life and how she keeps going back and forth between majors...she said something and we kept talking and literally I had not seriously considered changing my major up to this point...just talking about it and praying but in that moment on the phone it hit me like a ton of bricks....the Lord was just like Courtney, I know youre miserable in this major b/c its not about me eventhough you know Im the only way....so just do it....change! Its really okay...you dont need to be scared that the plan is changing....TRUST ME! I know whats best for you...Ill get you throught the science courses....I will sustain you. I will use this to refine you and draw you closer to me....its okay to be afraid but I PROMISE you, you can handle this...youre ready...youre not a slave to food anymore..you can do it! and it was like in this moment I could not explain it in words, but I had total and complete peace this is what He was calling me to do. So I literally said outloud to Lesely....thankyou I needed to hear what you just said. I think Im going to change my major! And she she kinda laughed a nervous laugh, and I could tell she wasn't quite convinced b/c I had said that before, but never followed through. It's not like me to deviate from THE PLAN. In fact, it is the hardest thing in world for me to think something will happen the way Ive always envisioned and then for it to look different...and here I was changing my mind. Again. To me that seems like its not okay....like I'm a mess and cannot stick with anything you know. Well anyways, I didnt tell anyone about what the Lord was telling me. I just got up the next morning and drove to campus. Then I couldnt figure out where the office was to change my major, so I called Julie and she explained it and encouraged me which was totally the Lord speaking through her. Anyways, I walked right in told them what I wanted to do and he filled out the paperwork. It was like one of those moments where time is happening but my world was on pause...it was surreal almost. All I can say is I experienced a complete, total peace that transcends all understanding in those moments....and that was that. I left and came home and havnt looked back since!
I love learning about all this kinda stuff and it will also help me to raise healthy kiddos one day and know what im putting into thier bodies...as for a career I dont know what that may look like but the Lord does and I'm excited to maybe even get to help girls who are where I once was you know....and so what if they hate me? Priase God for redemption and the fact that now my security is in HIM! In fact, I can simply point them to Jesus. The Lord really does have a snese of humor...I HATED all of my dieticians over those years...and now, I am becoming one. Praise the Lord. :)
Plus, I already have a minor in psychology!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Two Years Later...
Mercy Ministries is an incredible ministry which ministers to young women with life controlling issues like eating disorders, self-harm, addictions, teen pregnancy, sexual abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. Mercy is run completely on donations and does not take any government funding. It gives out 10% of everything they recieve to other ministries as well. On top of this, each girl is admitted into the 6 month residental program for free; the idea is that the girls know the purpose of treatment is not to make money off of thier problem. Praise God for a place like this. Obviously, running a ministry which not only counsels young women but provides everything they need to sleep, live,eat, relax, read, listen to, and learn does not come at a small price. Not to mention, that Mercy always provides the best of the best because they want the girls to know that they are worth it...that they are loved. During my time at Mercy, God transformed my life from the inside out...the Lord used Mercy to teach me how to live. When I walked in those doors, I had given up on life. But as I fell in love with Jesus, He breathed life, hope, and purpose into my life and today everything I am is because of Him. Mercy has a waiting list of over 700 girls. They need finiancial support so that those girls can be given the same chance to choose life that I was given through my time at Mercy.
Each year, Mercy does a huge fundraiser in St. Louis to raise money and to connect with new families and individuals who feel called to support the work of this ministry in any way, long term or a one time gift.
Two years ago, I was given tickets to this event from a woman at my church. I attended along with my sister, big sis Ash, mom and a friend. At this point, I was broken, hurting, hopeless, dead on the inside and dying on the outside as well. I remember sitting there listening to a girl stand up and proclaim the faithfulness of God in her life and how through Mercy God has given her freedom from the darkness that had consumed her life. In that moment I made a deal with God...that if He didnt bring me to Mercy, if He didnt make a way then I would end it all. I had been through so many treatment programs and centers. We had run out of money. I spent weeks in a hospital bed. Nothing helped. I always went back. I had no hope. I held onto to the thought that one day, maybe just maybe, I could stand up there and say that God had saved my life too. Just like that girl. At the moment, I dont think I really believed it though. A few months later, I walked into the doors of Mercy Ministries. God changed my life.
With Barlow Girl...
The next year I returned to volenteer at this big fundraiser once again. But this time, tears of joy fell upon my cheeks, knowing that as I sat and listened to another graduate share...praise God that I had that same hope. There were still areas of my life that were not totally surrendered the Christ though, and I knew that He was not finished with me yet, despite the incredible transformation that has begun.
Last year at this event....Me and Ash
Several days ago, I got to stand up at this event and share the faithful hand of my heavenly Father in my life. Tears begin to fall just reflecting upon the way He has transformed my life...His faithfulness, His gentleness, His patience, His protection. Oh goodness I could go on forever. What a gift it was to attend this event and spend time with so many incredible women who have come to support Mercy over the past several years. 
I have never seen communitty modeled the way I did Thursday night. How beautfiul....praise God for humble, faithful, godly moms and dads, wives and husbands, sisters and brothers. The past two years have been an incredible, challenging, exciting, scary journey that I would not change for anythign in the world. There were days when I couldnt see past the lies, nights when the darkness enveloped me, mornings when the joy never came. But through it all, He is worhty of my praise. He is faithful to begin the good work He began. And He will. By no means am I perfect, completey free, or totally whole apart from Christ, but He gives me hope which sustains me through those tough days now. When His promises are all I can cling to at times, then I will hold on with everything I have. He is the FAITHFUL ONE!!! I wanted to share some pictures from the last three years of this event and the breif testimony that I got to share on Thursday. Twenty Years Down...By the Grace of God
Life is hard and full of hurt and heartache...living on this earth will never yield the fullness of life we truly long for, and yet He is the Faithful ONE through it all! Praise God!
I got to celebrate this year in Fayetteville with my sweet roomates and boyfriend. Justin came in town for the weekend which was so fun and sweet time together! We went out to dinner and spent time just catching up and talking about life and Jesus...oh how I love to talk...:) Justin also officailly became a razorback...shirt and all! We got to go to our last home game on Saturday which was FREEZING! We made it til half time though.
I am so blessed to live with three precious girls who have really become like sisters to me...again the faithfulness and sovereignty of God! What a gift it was to get spend time with them as well...we all went out to a delicious brunch on Saturday!
And eventhough I was away from home for my first bday ever, I felt so loved and blessed from phone calls and cards! Thanks for making my day special!
I am so abundatnly blessed and have great expectancy for all the Lord is going to continue to do over this next year! All I know, is that at the end of the day, I am just a broken sinner in desperate need of my Lord and Savior. Apart from Him, I am nothing! But praise God He is faithful to complete the good work He has begun in my life!
delicous Trader Joes BirthdayBrownie from my sweet sisters Age n Ash :)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Lead Me
So for the past several months this song has been playing on the radio. Every time it would come on, it was like my heart would jump out of my chest, this deep and desperate plea for the words of this song to be the cries of husbands and daddys hearts, which in the world we live in today, seems to be a rarity indeed. Listening to the words, it really does just some up so many hurts and heartaches within the family unit, or lack there of, today. A man is created and equip by God to lead his wife and his children. This is why so many families are falling apart in recent years. I mean over HALF of marriages in this country end in divorce. HALF. That ought to disgust us, to horrify us, especially as believers, it ought to singe within us a deep desperate passion to do something about it- whether that means take on the world or to take on one's own marriage, one's own family.
As a nineteen year old college student for a long time I never knew what my role was suppossed to be in this. I mean, this is one of my passionate interests within the study of the family, probably becase I am completely blown away by how beautiful yet entirely different a home where Christ is the center is from a home where He is non-existant. I have seen in my own life the wide and painful consequences of marriages ending, of divorce, of this deep longing to be loved and accepted by someone of the opposite sex as I have seen bothof my parents model in different ways. And I know that I know that I KNOW without a doubt the picture of marriage as a covenant, a godly man submitted to the Lord leading a godly woman who also submits to the Lord above all but as an earthly picture of that, is able to submit to her husband, I KNOW that this is the ONLY way for a marriage to truly be all that Lord intends for it to be. There is no other way. There is no other method which will yeild more peace, more protection, more blessing, or more glory to God then this. This is ultimate Truth, an area in which I have made a covanent between myself and Lord to refuse to settle for anything less then this, because I am all too farmiliar with what things look like on the other side.
Praise God that in the name of Jesus this generation curse of divorce, affairs, abuse, this seeking of pleasure from anyone at any time, within generations of my family is broken with me. This is not to say, however, that this idea, this image of submitting to my husband one day as he is submitting to Christ, is not one of the scariest things in the world to me. I think a lot of this, well for sure a lot of this, is becuase whenever I think of submitting to a man, I just think of having to submit to my dad, or a man like my dad or even one of the hundreds of men my mom brought home over the years. Granted, there is NO doubt that God is moving in my dad's life now and I tear up just thinking about the transformation that is occuring before my very eyes, but this is not the man that I knew for the past 19years you know. And my mom is now married to an incredible guy whom I have so much respect for. But again, the past 19years that has not been the case. So all these years seeing all these messed up husbands and daddys have etched this picture in my mind, this horrifyingly ugly image of men, of marriage, of family life in general. The idea of submitting my life to one of these men for a long time was honestly repulsive to me.
But several weeks ago, I began praying intently for the Lord to begin to heal some of these wounds and to begin to renew my mind in this area, washing out these lies that Ihave known as truth for 19 years and to begin filling those holes with Truth. Over the past few weeks, He has begun an incredible work in my heart and my mind. One of the coolest things He has shown me is in Genesis 3 when it says in verse 16 "Your desire will be for your husban an he will rule over you," well this word "desire" is actually the same desire that Esu talks about with sin...and how sin is crouching at your dour...this desire to sin...this desire to control. So then I reaize, as women, how often do we struggle with having a desire to control things...anythng really...our husband, kids, job, money, parents...the list could go on forever. So essentially God is saying, "woman, you are going to desire to control, but grasciously I am giving you a PROTECTOR to rule over you!" This is just yet anotherincrediblely mind-blowing picture of God's grace and perfect soverignty in my life. What a GIFT submitting to my husband is going to be...and its NOT to hurt me or hinder me as a woman, it is to guard and protect and love me! I can honestly sit here writing this today and say that not only am I excited about marriage, but it is the most incredible blessing the world to get to submit to a godly man someday and to be found in the wing of his protection as we both look to Christ to hold our marriage together. This idea that there is a man with whom I will spend my life and that together we will glorify Christ more then when we are apart....even that blows my mind! God's increble story of REDMPTION, of love, of protection, of mercy and grace...it is written ALL over the bible. Even in something as little as the way a marraige should look. Oh Lord thank you!
With all of that being said, this has been my prayer for my husband....to just pray these words over his life, to have an understanding that apart from Christ, He is nothing. That without Christ, our marriage is nothing. And that through Christ, we can do anything...not because we're so great, but because of HIS incredible story of our redemption that we just get to play a little tiny part in.
I know that my marriage is not going tobe summed up by some statistic on a piece of paper. I am praying for my husband...that the Lord is just holding his heart and guiding Him in the Way that leads to life...aundant life. I pray that he is learning and growing daily. That not a day goes by He is not changed by time spent in the prescence of an ulmighty God. I pray that He is surrounding himself by godly husbands and daddys, hungry to know what it looks like to live it out every single day. Most of all, I just pray that he is falling madly, deeply and passionately in love with Jesus...and that this is what is pouring out from within him in all that he does and says.
Lead Me by Sanctus Real
I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?
To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up
I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
As a nineteen year old college student for a long time I never knew what my role was suppossed to be in this. I mean, this is one of my passionate interests within the study of the family, probably becase I am completely blown away by how beautiful yet entirely different a home where Christ is the center is from a home where He is non-existant. I have seen in my own life the wide and painful consequences of marriages ending, of divorce, of this deep longing to be loved and accepted by someone of the opposite sex as I have seen bothof my parents model in different ways. And I know that I know that I KNOW without a doubt the picture of marriage as a covenant, a godly man submitted to the Lord leading a godly woman who also submits to the Lord above all but as an earthly picture of that, is able to submit to her husband, I KNOW that this is the ONLY way for a marriage to truly be all that Lord intends for it to be. There is no other way. There is no other method which will yeild more peace, more protection, more blessing, or more glory to God then this. This is ultimate Truth, an area in which I have made a covanent between myself and Lord to refuse to settle for anything less then this, because I am all too farmiliar with what things look like on the other side.
Praise God that in the name of Jesus this generation curse of divorce, affairs, abuse, this seeking of pleasure from anyone at any time, within generations of my family is broken with me. This is not to say, however, that this idea, this image of submitting to my husband one day as he is submitting to Christ, is not one of the scariest things in the world to me. I think a lot of this, well for sure a lot of this, is becuase whenever I think of submitting to a man, I just think of having to submit to my dad, or a man like my dad or even one of the hundreds of men my mom brought home over the years. Granted, there is NO doubt that God is moving in my dad's life now and I tear up just thinking about the transformation that is occuring before my very eyes, but this is not the man that I knew for the past 19years you know. And my mom is now married to an incredible guy whom I have so much respect for. But again, the past 19years that has not been the case. So all these years seeing all these messed up husbands and daddys have etched this picture in my mind, this horrifyingly ugly image of men, of marriage, of family life in general. The idea of submitting my life to one of these men for a long time was honestly repulsive to me.
But several weeks ago, I began praying intently for the Lord to begin to heal some of these wounds and to begin to renew my mind in this area, washing out these lies that Ihave known as truth for 19 years and to begin filling those holes with Truth. Over the past few weeks, He has begun an incredible work in my heart and my mind. One of the coolest things He has shown me is in Genesis 3 when it says in verse 16 "Your desire will be for your husban an he will rule over you," well this word "desire" is actually the same desire that Esu talks about with sin...and how sin is crouching at your dour...this desire to sin...this desire to control. So then I reaize, as women, how often do we struggle with having a desire to control things...anythng really...our husband, kids, job, money, parents...the list could go on forever. So essentially God is saying, "woman, you are going to desire to control, but grasciously I am giving you a PROTECTOR to rule over you!" This is just yet anotherincrediblely mind-blowing picture of God's grace and perfect soverignty in my life. What a GIFT submitting to my husband is going to be...and its NOT to hurt me or hinder me as a woman, it is to guard and protect and love me! I can honestly sit here writing this today and say that not only am I excited about marriage, but it is the most incredible blessing the world to get to submit to a godly man someday and to be found in the wing of his protection as we both look to Christ to hold our marriage together. This idea that there is a man with whom I will spend my life and that together we will glorify Christ more then when we are apart....even that blows my mind! God's increble story of REDMPTION, of love, of protection, of mercy and grace...it is written ALL over the bible. Even in something as little as the way a marraige should look. Oh Lord thank you!
With all of that being said, this has been my prayer for my husband....to just pray these words over his life, to have an understanding that apart from Christ, He is nothing. That without Christ, our marriage is nothing. And that through Christ, we can do anything...not because we're so great, but because of HIS incredible story of our redemption that we just get to play a little tiny part in.
I know that my marriage is not going tobe summed up by some statistic on a piece of paper. I am praying for my husband...that the Lord is just holding his heart and guiding Him in the Way that leads to life...aundant life. I pray that he is learning and growing daily. That not a day goes by He is not changed by time spent in the prescence of an ulmighty God. I pray that He is surrounding himself by godly husbands and daddys, hungry to know what it looks like to live it out every single day. Most of all, I just pray that he is falling madly, deeply and passionately in love with Jesus...and that this is what is pouring out from within him in all that he does and says.
Lead Me by Sanctus Real
I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?
To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up
I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
Friday, October 1, 2010
The Blessing of Roomates
Coming here to Fayetteville, I was defiantely most nervous about coming into a new place where I knew only a few people. The community of believers whom I have been so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by in West County made it so difficult to leave STL for school. I had prepared myself for the worst, already telling myself that I just needed to stop comparing my new life to back home because there was no way I could ever be surrounded by such an incredible spiritual family.
Thinking about it a couple months later, all I can say is praise God for allowing me to live in such an incredible community of girls. My roomates are the sweetest gift from the Lord and I just thank God for each of them, their quirks, their wisdom, the way we just laugh together! The encouragement that come through our sisterhood in Christ is something I cannot put into words. Its only been a couple months and already, I just couldn't imagine my life without these three precious girls!
I want to share just a little bit about each of these precious girls who have become sisters to me.
Rachel
When I think of Rachel, I think of how she is wise beyond her years. I think of her bluntness and honesty. Sometimes all I can do is laugh. I love this about her. She has no problem with telling it like it is. But always in a way that comes across gently, maybe from experience or some sense of relateability. For Rachel, it may be really hard to be real sometimes, but when she does open up, it's like I just want to pick her brain for hours. I can relate to her in so many ways. She loves to talk to other people about real stuff in their lives. Her thoughts are so transparent, talking to her is a joy and blessing. I am excited to see what God does in her own life this year...how He is going to honor this increible valnurability that she has. I love getting to be around Rachel...sometimes I don't think she really sees all the gifts and wisdom the Lord has given her. I love Rach's heart for her family....she is just so great at loving them well. Just hearing her talk about them sometimes, makes me realize just how much I have to learn about selfless love for those closest to you. Kelley
When I think of Kelley, I just can't help but smile. Kelley is full of life, the life Jesus talks about, the one He died to give us. Kelley is one of those people you just love to be around. I have never laughed so hard in my life at some of the things she says. She is so real...I love this about her too. That as goofy as she is sometimes, some of the most encouraging conversations I've had have been with her. I love when I hear her rambling through the door becuase I know that in a matter of 10 seconds she will make it back to my room, come in and I may not get anything done for th next 20 mins, but she aways seems to say exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment...whether its something in her life or asking me about something specific. I feel like whenever I have one of those days and just want to punch satan in the face, Kell will be right next to me, boxing gloves and all. I also see a spirit of persevere in Kelley that blows my mind...she is a fighter. Whenever I think of that verse that talks about fighting the good fight, finishing the race, and keeping the faith...that about sums up Kelley. Heather
Oh my sweet sister friend. When I think of Heather, I think of wisdom and faithfulness. I know that if I ever have a question about anything in scripture or any theological issue, Heather will either have the answer, have a reasource to refer me to, or search for it until she figures it out. Heather is a woman of the Word. And she is so faithful to the Lord...in her time studying His Truth, in her time praying for this minstry, praying for her roomies, praying for the nations. She is so incredibly faithful in the small things, things that I may have never even considered before. Simply getting to live in the room right next to her, I have been more challenged and my eyes have been more opened to areas of my own life where I am lacking a solidity or knowledge or understanding. Jesus in her ministers to my heart daily. Then there's the goofy side of Heather...her laugh changes every time, even in the middle of laughing and even when I have no idea what's so funny, she just makes me laugh. I love that she is so passionate about particular things...spinah leaves, squash, farmer's market, chickens, and microwaves to name a few. I see so much in Heather that I can relate to. I so look forward to her coming home every day and just getting to talk about our days, what the Lord's teaching us, struggles, battle with sin, life really. Our conversations always leave me challenged and encouraged. Most of the time, I dont even think Heather sees how beautiful she is, simply because Christ dwells inside of her. I am so incredibly blessed to get to be living in community with these three girls this year.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Love of a Family
Potter's House emulates the love of Christ in every possible dimension of the word. They have such a beautiful heart and genunie love for these kids, kids who are just crying out to be loved. It is like a big family. I just feel at home when I'm around this ministry. I started off spending a couple hours a week tutoring some of the kids, and the next thing I know, God opened the door to continue that as well as leading a small group of fifth grade girls. This is my heart. I love these girls after just two weeks of knowing them.
They are each so unique and beautiful in thier own ways. Crazy sometimes too. Thier laughter brings so much joy to my heart. I just look at their young eyes and can't imagine the incredible plan that I know God has for thier lives...despite the different circumstances they are each up against right now. I just remind myself what a BIG God we serve. The lives they live everyday is unlike anything you or I could probably ever begin to understand....or be okay with. I love that I get to spend time with them every sunday afternoon, sharing a story from the Word, praying for each of them, challenging them in thier walks. Most of all, I love just getting to know each one of them...hearing thier heart, learning what they like and dont like, who their friends are, what their hurts and heartaches are...and just getting to love on them.
Tonight I had all the girls and my wonderful co-leader over for dinner. They requested chicken, spagetti, and corn...such a random combination, but thats what we had! It was so fun to just get to share a meal with them and allow them to just see what it looks like to live in biblical community. The little things about tonight spoke so much to me....just seeing them giggle and blush talking about which boys they thought were cute, being goofy while taking pictures with my camera, gathering around the computer to watch videos, singing and dancing to the latest Justin Beber songs, playing a game of cards together, talking about the best parts of the day. When you look at the life they each come from, taking joy in these glimmers of normalcy and joy in thier precious hearts becomes all the more beautiful, especially when you know that in an hour or two, you have to take them back home, back to a home where they may not get to hear how much they are loved. A home where they may not have enough food to get through the week. A home where they may be waiting for their dad to come back, knowing he probably wont. A home where two or three are crammed into the same bed at night. A home which leaves little prospect of any kind of hope or future for these precious girls. But PRAISE GOD He sees them, each of them. He knows them. He LOVES them.
Lord, help me to see them with your eyes, to keep loving them even when it is challenging. To pour and pour and pour your love upon them, not because of anything good in me, but because the love of Christ in me compels me to love well, since it was such love that so tramendously transformed my life. Thank you Lord, for lavishing your love upon me, when I just don't deserve it.
Because Your love is better then life, I will PRAISE YOU!
I am soooo excited to get to continue to see what God does in these girls lives over the next few weeks, months and years. I am so incredibly blessed to get to call Potter's House my family.
Check out and support this ministry at:
http://www.newheightschurch.com/serve/potters-house
Friday, September 24, 2010
Nothing Like a Daddy's Love
Being in ministry and just spending time with different girls through ZOE or Potter’s House or even just meeting people and hearing their stories randomly, I just continue to see this theme again and again of the impact a daddy has in his daughter’s life, whether that be encouraging or destructive. Unfortunately, I’d say about 80% of those father-daughter relationships have brought more hurt and heartache then many other circumstances in these girls lives. It is so interesting to me that the enemy so often attacks the family as a whole directly at the heart of leadership, guidance, protection, wisdom, and love…at the father. There are so many symbolic aspects of a girl’s relationship with her earthly daddy and how that plays into her relationship with her Heavenly Father as well. I’m not going to go into what I think about all that since I could probably write a whole book on it all, but I really just want to affirm a few men in my life who have been godly daddy’s to their kids and to whom I have a heart of indescribable gratefulness for the role they’ve played in my own life and the way their kids are never going to have to experience these destructive daddy issues that so many of today’s teenagers, both male and female really, are facing right now.
Ryan
My sweet brother. The way that I look up to this man of God just doesn’t compare to anything else in the whole world. When I am around Rye
I never doubted, not once, that Just this past year my big brother became a daddy himself, to a precious baby boy that is growing up before my eyes. I wish so much that I could be around them more, just getting to watch my brother father this little man…to see him smile down at his son, to see the way he plays with him and is already training him to be a basketball star…it makes me tear up just thinking about it because it is such a beautiful picture of the love the Father has for us and I don’t think it is modeled more clearly to me then through seeing a godly daddy raise his son to know the love of our Savior. To understand that who he is in Christ is more important then anything else. One day, if Jake is an amazing basketball player like his daddy, then I know it will be Rye on the sidelines cheering him on, it will be Rye sitting by his bed late at night after a game reminding him that through this gift the Lord’s given him of basketball, his main purpose in his life, in this sport, is bringing glory to the King or Kings and Lord of Lords…that God’s called him to be the one set apart, a light to the other boys on his team.
I just love the way my brother loves so well. I love that I can look at his life and see Jesus all over him. I love that he is a faithful husband who serves his wife. I love that he is the leader and provider for his family. I love that he has the ability to bring peace into a seemingly confusing or chaotic situation. I love that he is a good friend and a joy to be around. I just love my brother and seeing the Lord move in his life and how that effects his wife and son. It’s a privilege and a gift to be your lil sis Rye
Clayton
My oldest brother. When I think of Clayton, I think of his smile. When he really thinks something is funny or just is even agreeing with you about something, he gets this grin on his face that lights up the w
hole room. It makes me smile just thinking about it. The joy of the Lord is truly his strength. When I think of him just smiling down on his precious kids, the way that must make them feel, it makes me tear up! Receiving that “approving, I’m so proud of you, I love you more then you will ever know, you bring joy to my life” smile from a daddy is such a beautiful picture of how our Heavenly Father is looking at us with similar affection. I love that Clayton’s love for his kids is all over his face. I remember one time when I was stuck in the hospital for awhile and Clayton came to see me. I totally did not expect it because at the time we weren’t real close and I will never forget sitting there and talking to him. For the first part Rye 
een so incredibly respectful of and towards my mom, and I know even as her daughter that that is a challenging thing to do at times, especially considering all the hurt and heartache she brought into my siblings lives over the years. Even when I couldn’t stand her, he always modeled the selfless love of Christ towards her, a concept that has taken me 19 years to understand. Thank you for that big brother.
een so incredibly respectful of and towards my mom, and I know even as her daughter that that is a challenging thing to do at times, especially considering all the hurt and heartache she brought into my siblings lives over the years. Even when I couldn’t stand her, he always modeled the selfless love of Christ towards her, a concept that has taken me 19 years to understand. Thank you for that big brother. As a dad, I know his love for his kids compels him to teach them to be respectful to other adults, to not act immature or crazy. More then most kids their age, my niece and nephew understand discipline and are usually incredibly obedient to what their daddy (and mom) tell them. I love this about Clayton. He is such an incredible leader of his home in the way he disciplines the kids. Despite how hard that may be at times, because of course no one likes to have that job, but when I think about other kids their ages, the difference is overwhelmingly clear. There is this responsibility and maturity they both have which far exceeds others their ages…this sets them apart. People who meet these two kiddos just know that there is something different about them- Jesus in them. Praise God for my big bro being a godly daddy to them, and loving them enough to set clear boundaries, to discipline them, just at Christ disciplines those He loves.
Phillip
I don’t really know what I would call Phillip, other then my spiritual dad. From the day I met him, shoveling snow one day when school was called off, he made me feel so special and loved. Here is this guy who doesn’t know me at all whatsoever, probably has a million other people to talk to, but takes the time to ask me about me life, really interested in what I have to say. I never could have imagined that first day I met him the role he would end up playing in my life. But my Heavenly Father knew just how much He would use Phillip over the next three years to be that earthly picture of the love of my Heavenly Father, something that I never really could understand from my biological dad. I doubt that Phillip knew what he was getting himself into that day when he reached out to me either! When I think about Phillip, I think of wisdom. I know that I can always go to him with any question, about the Word, theology, etc but also just about life. Phillip taught me that not all men were bad and out to hurt me…he was the first father figure in my life that I learned to trust. For that I am so incredibly grateful. It makes me tear up thinking about what a gift that has been, even now, the role that plays…I don’t even know he will ever understand the impact of that…for years all I had wanted was the love of a father and through Phillip modeling that to me, I realized that I had a heavenly Father who loved me just like that, and million times more.
Over the years, Phillip has walked through so much with me. He has always been there, a prayer warrior and encourager, affirming me continually. He has poured and poured and poured into my life. And in all the times I didn’t know what to do, where to turn, or how to keep going, He just kept pointing me to the only One who had the answers. He always made bad or hopeless situations seem a lot less scary or stressful. He has a gift of giving me perspective when I am blinded through my own eyes. I will never forget my first time home from Mercy Phillip and his wife were the first people I got to see, and I just remember the look on his face when he saw me…it was like I had come home after a really long time away…he didn’t even need to say anything, his face told me how proud he was, how he could see a transformation beginning in my heart, how he loved me so well. I also always am so excited to after being away for awhile to see Phillip because he is always so excited to hear about what God’s been doing in my life, its like his excitement makes me excited! I remember what a special moment it was for me to get to go show Phillip and Shelly my dress before heading off to prom my senior year. If any moment could have been more symbolic of a dad’s approval, a dad’s love for a daughter, it would have been in that moment for me. Whenever I’m around Phillip and his family, I just feel at home. I have so many incredible memories doing life with Phillip and his incredible wife and their precious family. When it comes to learning how to be a godly parent, when I think about what I want in a husband, I want my husband to be a man who loves the Word, who loves to serve, who has these crazy dreams and the determination to fulfill them, never underestimating the power of God’s Word and His promises, but most of all I want my husband to walk in the door at night, open up his arms, and for the kids to just take off running to him, so incredibly excited their daddy is finally home to play with them. This is what I see every time Phillip walks through that door. There are a million qualities about Phillip as a daddy to his kiddos that I adore, but one that just hits me at the core every time is his love for his twin girls. When I sit there and see him just look straight into their adoring eyes and tell them how much he loves them, how beautiful they are, how smart they are, how proud of them he is, how he is just so honored to get to be their daddy, it gets me every time…I never want my kids to doubt how much their daddy loves them…and I know that Phillip’s kids will never wonder, because he wont let them forget it for one second! He does such an incredible job of lavishing love upon them, of making them feel special, making them just feel like the most important person in the world. That is truly a gift of this daddy.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
You Shall Have No Other Gods Before Me
So just a few minutes ago I was driving home from my first anthropology test. The last 5 or 6 days of my life have been spent making note cards, studying them, studying them some more, and when I felt like I knew it well enough, of course my perfectionist mind told me to study some more…or else. Or else what? I wouldn’t do as good as I could if I devoted another hour of study to the material? Doubtful. I wouldn’t be able to say I gave it my absolute best? Nope. The truth of the matter is that I fear getting anything less then perfect…and to me perfect is an A. Thus, if I didn’t study that extra hour, and came out with a B or worse, well whose fault is that? Mine of course. Never does this fleshly mind of mine even consider that the test could be hard. That maybe the material I’m studying doesn’t contain one of the test question answers within it. Or maybe no matter how many hours I committed to studying, I just did not have the ability to understand a portion of the material presented. The reasons for a lack of success on this test are numerous, and yet the only reason for any score less then perfect, in my mind, is me.
I know this is the story of sin in my life over and over again…never feeling good enough. Never feeling like I can measure up to this standard. This standard that at one point may have been held by my parents for me, but now is completely something I bring upon myself. Whether that be academically, physically, intellectually, ministry wise, etc, its like that stupid little voice echoes between my ears from the moment my feet the floor to the moment my eyes shut, day after day. Well, I have had enough. I refuse to continue to allow satan to bring distraction, stress, and destruction upon my life anymore, even in these small areas like an anthropology test.
This is the thing…if I studied hard, in obedience to serving the Lord as a student (which is what He has called me to for this season of my life) and took this test and got something less then perfect, would I allow that to define me? Does a letter on a piece of paper tell me whether or not I’m good enough? Is this what I allow to measure my worth? I think that most of my life I have been a slave to my grades, to this perfectionist mindset. Maybe at times, it has been less evident because other sin has masked over it in my life, but at this point, as I continually am being refined by the Creator, I am seeing more and more how significant and destructive these small areas of pride are affecting me and my devotion to the Lord.
Today I realized that this constant, ceaseless drive somewhere in me to perform well, to look all put together on the outside, to be the best…in the end, what does it matter? REALLY, what does one grade on one test, one grade in one class even matter when you compare it to eternity with Christ??? Now I am not saying I need to quit studying or working hard in school…I’m not saying my time at college doesn’t matter…I know this is the job the Lord’s given me and that I’m bringing Him glory in pursuing it and doing well, HOWEVER, when I sit here and think about how stressed out I have been the past few days, how the battle in my mind was heightened a few notches, how I have experienced zero peace, even when I’m resting, how my relationships have suffered, how I haven’t received much from the Word as I read it, how I have walked around defeated. Sin ALWAYS separates us from the Father…it creates this wall. And surely striving to do well on this one test doesn’t create this 30 foot wall between He and I instantaneously, but a few layers of bricks have been laid down. Next week when I have another test, a few more will pile up. You get the picture. Not to mention, that even with those few layers of bricks, I can see the effects they have had, that this idol in my life, has had upon me and my intimacy with Christ.
I refuse to continue to put grades higher then Jesus. As crazy as that sounds to me, even typing it, that is what I’m doing. I am essentially saying, ‘Lord, I’m sorry but I know that I will never measure up unless I get an A on this test, so I have to put everything else aside to prepare for it and nothing is more important then it. I’ll spend an hour in your Word this morning, (“putting you first”) but the whole time all I will think about is how stressed I am how much I have to do and how much more I could get done if I didn’t have to read your Word right now or if I put it off til later.” Ironically, if I were really reading the Word of God and open to receiving what the Lord had to say to me before now, I would be reading about who I am in Christ…about how I am called before I was even a day old with a purpose and plan for my life. I would feel His words of love, mercy, grace, and peace flowing over every part of my body. I would understand and BELIEVE that who I am is a daughter of the most High King who has a perfect and beautiful plan for my life and His opinion is ultimately the only one that matters. I would stop looking to the faces of everyone else, of ink on a piece of paper to tell me if I am pretty enough, smart enough, perfect enough…I would start to understand a different book of black and white ink that says it is NOT even possible for me to ever be good enough…and God knew that long before He made me…so He so graciously gave His Son for me to experience the fullness of life with Him. Jesus fills the gap between my imperfection and lack of goodness and the holiness and perfectness of my Heavenly Father. Apart from Christ, I am NOTHING but a sick nasty sinner. How prideful I am to even think that getting an A on this test could change that or bring some sense of satisfaction inside of me that seems to have me convinced I am anything of worth apart from my Creator.
The Word says, “Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…” Rom 12:2. This got me thinking...here I am walking around stressed out about school, overwhelmed, anxious, prideful, worried about what everyone else thinks, with no sense of peace or joy in my life, reaching to attain this measure of success in my life. It made me ask myself, if this is what my life is, then how does that make me look any different from the girl sitting next to me in class who doesn’t have a relationship with Christ? Truth be told, it doesn’t. The Word says we are not to conform to the world…rather, we are to be light in the darkness. And I have seen a heightened extent of that darkness on this college campus. But my life this past week had no glow about it, I just went along, blending into the rest of the darkness around me. That’s the other problem with putting grades so high that I stress out, with trying to manipulate them to build this false sense of worth…it makes me look like everyone else. And I know that the righteousness of Christ lives in me, the SAME power that conquered the grave LIVES in me…that means I should really look nothing like anyone else you know.
The second part of that verse says BUT, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. So I asked myself, how do I allow the Lord to transform my mind. Instantly I think, well through time with Him and His Word of course. And what is the first place that the enemy attacked this week through this stress…my time in the Word! Even when I spent time in it, getting little tastes of it, it was like I just couldn’t digest anything I read. Praise God that His Word is LIFE to my whole being!
"His divine power has given us everything we need for a life of godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through these He has given us a very great and precious promise, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." - 2 Peter 1:3-4
I know this is the story of sin in my life over and over again…never feeling good enough. Never feeling like I can measure up to this standard. This standard that at one point may have been held by my parents for me, but now is completely something I bring upon myself. Whether that be academically, physically, intellectually, ministry wise, etc, its like that stupid little voice echoes between my ears from the moment my feet the floor to the moment my eyes shut, day after day. Well, I have had enough. I refuse to continue to allow satan to bring distraction, stress, and destruction upon my life anymore, even in these small areas like an anthropology test.
This is the thing…if I studied hard, in obedience to serving the Lord as a student (which is what He has called me to for this season of my life) and took this test and got something less then perfect, would I allow that to define me? Does a letter on a piece of paper tell me whether or not I’m good enough? Is this what I allow to measure my worth? I think that most of my life I have been a slave to my grades, to this perfectionist mindset. Maybe at times, it has been less evident because other sin has masked over it in my life, but at this point, as I continually am being refined by the Creator, I am seeing more and more how significant and destructive these small areas of pride are affecting me and my devotion to the Lord.
Today I realized that this constant, ceaseless drive somewhere in me to perform well, to look all put together on the outside, to be the best…in the end, what does it matter? REALLY, what does one grade on one test, one grade in one class even matter when you compare it to eternity with Christ??? Now I am not saying I need to quit studying or working hard in school…I’m not saying my time at college doesn’t matter…I know this is the job the Lord’s given me and that I’m bringing Him glory in pursuing it and doing well, HOWEVER, when I sit here and think about how stressed out I have been the past few days, how the battle in my mind was heightened a few notches, how I have experienced zero peace, even when I’m resting, how my relationships have suffered, how I haven’t received much from the Word as I read it, how I have walked around defeated. Sin ALWAYS separates us from the Father…it creates this wall. And surely striving to do well on this one test doesn’t create this 30 foot wall between He and I instantaneously, but a few layers of bricks have been laid down. Next week when I have another test, a few more will pile up. You get the picture. Not to mention, that even with those few layers of bricks, I can see the effects they have had, that this idol in my life, has had upon me and my intimacy with Christ.
I refuse to continue to put grades higher then Jesus. As crazy as that sounds to me, even typing it, that is what I’m doing. I am essentially saying, ‘Lord, I’m sorry but I know that I will never measure up unless I get an A on this test, so I have to put everything else aside to prepare for it and nothing is more important then it. I’ll spend an hour in your Word this morning, (“putting you first”) but the whole time all I will think about is how stressed I am how much I have to do and how much more I could get done if I didn’t have to read your Word right now or if I put it off til later.” Ironically, if I were really reading the Word of God and open to receiving what the Lord had to say to me before now, I would be reading about who I am in Christ…about how I am called before I was even a day old with a purpose and plan for my life. I would feel His words of love, mercy, grace, and peace flowing over every part of my body. I would understand and BELIEVE that who I am is a daughter of the most High King who has a perfect and beautiful plan for my life and His opinion is ultimately the only one that matters. I would stop looking to the faces of everyone else, of ink on a piece of paper to tell me if I am pretty enough, smart enough, perfect enough…I would start to understand a different book of black and white ink that says it is NOT even possible for me to ever be good enough…and God knew that long before He made me…so He so graciously gave His Son for me to experience the fullness of life with Him. Jesus fills the gap between my imperfection and lack of goodness and the holiness and perfectness of my Heavenly Father. Apart from Christ, I am NOTHING but a sick nasty sinner. How prideful I am to even think that getting an A on this test could change that or bring some sense of satisfaction inside of me that seems to have me convinced I am anything of worth apart from my Creator.
The Word says, “Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…” Rom 12:2. This got me thinking...here I am walking around stressed out about school, overwhelmed, anxious, prideful, worried about what everyone else thinks, with no sense of peace or joy in my life, reaching to attain this measure of success in my life. It made me ask myself, if this is what my life is, then how does that make me look any different from the girl sitting next to me in class who doesn’t have a relationship with Christ? Truth be told, it doesn’t. The Word says we are not to conform to the world…rather, we are to be light in the darkness. And I have seen a heightened extent of that darkness on this college campus. But my life this past week had no glow about it, I just went along, blending into the rest of the darkness around me. That’s the other problem with putting grades so high that I stress out, with trying to manipulate them to build this false sense of worth…it makes me look like everyone else. And I know that the righteousness of Christ lives in me, the SAME power that conquered the grave LIVES in me…that means I should really look nothing like anyone else you know.
The second part of that verse says BUT, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. So I asked myself, how do I allow the Lord to transform my mind. Instantly I think, well through time with Him and His Word of course. And what is the first place that the enemy attacked this week through this stress…my time in the Word! Even when I spent time in it, getting little tastes of it, it was like I just couldn’t digest anything I read. Praise God that His Word is LIFE to my whole being!
"His divine power has given us everything we need for a life of godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through these He has given us a very great and precious promise, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." - 2 Peter 1:3-4
Friday, September 17, 2010
The Father's Love for My Daddy
While I was in Australia this past summer, God did some incredible things in my own life, but one of the most significant moments in my time there, was when He spoke to me about my dad. Going into this trip, I had just come out of a very challenging season of my life and was still battling some lies and working though some deep hurts. Some of this hurt had been a result of my dad. I knew in my heart that I hated him and as much as i didn't want to, I didn't know how to stop seeing him the way I did. One night when we were in the aboriginal village, my project director spoke to us on the topic of forgiveness, or a lack there of. She said two things that night that have never left me. She started off with a chain (unforgiveness) around her waist, talking about how often times, we have this big breakthrough of forgiving someone and we feel like its finally done...we've forgiven them as Christ so graciously forgave us. The chain falls to the ground, no longer entangling us! But then a few days, weeks, months go by and that person, sinful nature and all, hurt us again. This creates confusion because we already forgave them right? So how could we be struggling with their hurt again, if we know for sure that through Christ we forgave once? She continues to paint this picture by pointing to the broken chain at her feet...she says that though that chain of unforgiveness is no longer around her waist, it is just sitting there, right next to her, simply waiting to be picked back up again. How easy is it for us to do just that....to forgive, get hurt again, and just reach down and grab that chain, wrap it around us again. I know that has been the story of my life when it comes to forgiveness with my dad. I forgive, chains fall off, then I slowly let him back into my life, he hurts me again, and I just reach down and grab that chain...its safe, its all I know to do since thats what I've been doing for years. It makes total sense. But what then, does that mean? How in the world do I experience hurt from him after already forgiving him time and time again, without reaching right down for that chain every time? Well, she went on to explain that we need to learn to seperate the person from the offense. This was a crazy concept to me, something I feel like I had kind of heard at some point, but never understood it the way I did in this moment. She explained that if you believe the Word of God, then you know that Jesus died for our sins, thus He even died for that offense...right? So, really, I have NO right whatsoever to be mad at my dad for hurting me, because really it is even about me...its about his offense against the Lord, and that is something that God will deal with...but for me to say that I hate my dad for this offense, isn't even an option really, because the offense is covered by the blood...so if I am mad about the offense, its like saying I'm mad at Christ, or like His blood was enough for most sin, but not for my dad. Which is a total lie from the pits of hell. So anyway, I started working out this Truth in my head and really got to the point over that week where I understood....it was liek the Lord gave me this image in my head with the chain and the sperating of offense from the offender.
We got back to Sydney later that week and I was having a quiet time, just like any other day, but this day I wasn't really focused on the Word, I felt like I was just totally being attacked in my mind and distracted. I began asking the Lord to just reveal to me what it was in my mind and heart that was keeping me coming into His Word with the ability to recieve it and to make a really long story a bit shorter, He began speaking to me about my dad. About unforgiveness, about past hurts, about prayer. That morning, God broke my heart for my earthly father in a way I had never experienced. This was definately not something I was even looking for either...I mean I had a list of things I wanted to see God do in my time in Autralia, and this wasn't one of them. Yet in His beautiful sovergeinty and perfect timing, He knew far better then I ever could have imagined what He had planned. Begining that morning, I began praying for my dad in a way I never had.
I retunred home to the states and life got crazy and confusing for me for a good month. Despite this, the one thing that remained constant was time on my knees praying for my dad. I mean there were times when I wouldn't even get in the Word for days in a row, but it was the craziest thing, for some reason I found myself on my knees intervening on his behalf. This made no sense to me, because in my flesh, it was the absolute last thing I wanted to do.
Well, as I was preparing to leave for college, my siblings had a little get-together to get to spend some time together as a family and say goodbye for a little while anyway. I hadt seen my dad or talked to him much since being home from Australia, but the day before this gathering, he called me to make sure I would be there. Instantly, I knew that I wasn't talking to my dad...I was talking to the alcoholism that had once again taken over his life. The slurr of his words and the repition of his thoughts, made it clear to me that he was a long ways down a road that was only leading to death. I remember hanging up the phone after that conversation and just breaking down in my car in the Wal-Mart Parking Lot. I was so mad at God. I did not understand what He was trying to do to me...here I am spending hours and hours praying for this man and all I see is how much worse things are getting, and fast. I hated my dad so much and doubting God became a huge struggle for me. Later that night, I remember crying out to the Lord asking Him to make tomorrow a sweet day with my familiy, not allowing my dad to ruin it.
I didn't know the whole story at the time, but that night after hanging up with me, my dad had passed out on the floor and would be unconcouis through the night. When he woke up the next morning, he crawled over to the cabinent where he kept his bottle of Vo and proceeded to drink the entire bottle stragiht up. He should have been dead by this point, but PRAISE GOD He had another plan. My dad called my brother in law to come get him and take him to the hospital because he was feeling sick. Eventually we all fund out what was really going on, and my dad was taken to a detox program. The day withe my family was sweet, and as difficult as it was to know how bad things had gotten with dad, I think we all breathed a little sigh of releif that for the next 21 days he would be safe and we didnt have to worry.
I left for school and shortly came to find out that my dad had left rehab because there weren't enough beds for him. I was really discouraged again, begging the Lord to just stop making this so hard for me. I knew I was in a battle alongside this man I barely knew anymore, but had no idea at the time what exactly this battle was about. I kept praying for him, laying prostrate before the Lord day after day. As the words would come out of my mouth, I really dont know how much I beleived that what I was asking Him to do, was really something He could ever do, or would ever do.
Two weeks ago I got a call from my precious sister-in-law, and we had planned on catching up on this day and so I picked up the phone, so excited to get to talk to her, having no idea how this conversation would shake everything I knew in a way that I cannot fit into words. She explained to me that on that past Sunday, my dad had showed up at the church where she and my brother go. At this point, he didn't have a phone because he couldn't afford it, so he just decided to come I supposse. He sat throught he serive and afterwards, my bro and sis left but my dad ended up sticking around and talking to this guy, Ed. Now Ed had known my dad's story for a while, and had been praying for him for quite some time. Ed had once lived a life very similar to the one my dad was now consumed in. Whatever Ed had to say, my dad must have just really clicked with him. Ed started talking to my dad about Christiantity, about how God had changed his life. He basiclly laid out the gospel for him. That afternoon, sitting there talking with this sweet man, my dad gave his life to the LORD!
Tears still fall onto my cheeks everytime I try to even wrap my mind around the SOVEREIGNTY of this God who so graciously calls me His own. Ahhhhhhh I just don't know why I ever doubt Him?!? Whyyy? He has NEVER, not one time, left me down. There has NEVER, not one time, been a time when His ways have not been higher then mine, when His plans have not been better then what I could come up with. I mean He is GOD and I am me....oh how different our lives would be if we just even began to understand and remember this!
How humbling, that the God of the Universe, who spoke and breathed LIFE into the earth, that this very same God would hear the cries of my heart, would tell me to get on my knees and pray, day after day, would tell me to do it again, after I got mad at Him for not answering me, would tell me to do it again when things only worsened, would comfort me when I was hurt by the situation, would so graciously continue to hear me, when I told Him how much I hated Him. And how He would ANSWER ME, when I didn't beleive He even could.
Lord, all I can say is YOUR WAYS ARE ALWAYS HIGHER THEN MINE. And I am so deeply humbled to even get to come to you in prayer, to get to know you through your Word, to get to meet with you in the secret place. God thank you for allowing me to be your servant, for being my Daddy.
In the past 2 weeks, I have finally gotten to talk to my dad and hear what God is doing in His life from Him... I have been brought to tears in every one of those converstions. Man, do we serve a God who does the IMPOSSIBLE! I've also gotten to hear about it from my siblings who have all spent some time around this man that they say I won't even recgonize...inside or out. Ed is meeting with my dad often, walking beside Him on this journey, discipling Him in the Word and teaching Him about this increible God who brought Him from death in LIFE!
I am so incredibly humbled that the Lord even allowed me to be apart of this whole process. I am so incredibly thankful to get to know this new man my dad has become in Christ. I am so increibly blessed that I get to walk through this journey with him, to get to know the real him, the man that the Lord created, and that the Lord has only given us a glimpse of His plans and purpose for dad's life. Praise God for healing and restoration, for His unfathomable LOVE and new Mercies every morning. Praise God for saving us from the brink of death,when death is all we deserve, He gave His SON so that we may have LIFE, and LIFE to the full!
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