My Last Post...

Well, this will be the last time I post on this blog. I have been busy working on a new blog as I enter into a new season of life. It is still in the works but I made my first post on it today. I will be deleting this blog in the next week or so, so please come follow me over at http://www.forgivenessmadeaway.blogspot.com/!

Joyful Submission

It’s amazing to me how the Lord is always true to His promises.
“I will never give you more then you can bear; I will always provide a way out for you to stand up under.”

 I mean, I know His promises are true. I’ve experienced them again and again in my life. And yet sometimes things happen which challenging and confront the depth of planting of those beliefs. Today I want to take some time to share a story of unyielding steadfastness, undying perseverance, and joyful obedience out of a love for out God and Savior.

As long I’ve known her, she’s been one of the most stable, unyielding, self-less, and wise women in my life. Without a doubt, nothing I would ever tell her would change that; what a gift! From day one, I also saw something else about her that never wavered—her pursuit of purity and growing hunger to be enveloped in the love of Christ until, or if, (as she would often remind me) she met the man the Lord had chosen for her. Some days she battled it out more then others. Regardless, I knew she’d be just fine either way. Even as close friends continued walking down the aisle one after the next, it really never bothered me that Ash hadn’t met her man yet. Honestly, for a long time I really doubted that there would be one out there good enough for her; I mean, there are some great guys out there who love the Lord and are fully pursuing Him, but we all knew she was worth far more then some “great guy in love with Jesus.” He would have to exceed great…perhaps exceptional would begin to paint the picture.

As the years progressed without meeting the one, I watched this precious woman fall more and more in love with Jesus. Her heart often ached in necessity of knowing Him more, loving better, giving selflessly. A beautiful, pure, spotless, beloved Bride of Christ—she always knew who she was. She continued walking in Christ’s promises and the duties He’d given her for the time. She loved the heck outa high schoolers—she loved the heck outa messed up kids like me! As our relationship grew, I began to note what an incredible momma she would be one day. As she so selflessly lavished her motherly wisdom, abundant grace, and discipline upon me, a little spanking once in a while came with a whole lotta love; what an incredible mom she would be one day! What a waste if she were not to marry! I think I realized about three years ago that eventually, the Lord would “wow” us all with His sovereign plan!

When she first met him last December, he barely glanced up at her, refusing to so much as give her the time of day. If only he knew he’d just met the one he was to spend his life with! But of course the Lord is perfect in His timing…it didn’t take too long for him to show this man what an extraordinary woman Ash was! When Ash got a little short with me before going up on stage to sing one night at Zoe, it hit me; she was really nervous to sing in front of him. That was the first moment I knew this was the real deal. Just maybe this was the one she had been awaiting.

I will never forget when he asked me over the phone one night if he should marry her. I laughed as I jokingly replied, “Yes, but only if you pop the question before I leave to go overseas!” (Which would happen just two weeks later.) Ash laughed as I made such a preposterous suggestion considering at that point they had only been dating a few weeks.

The night Anthony popped the question!

Believe it or not, he actually took my suggestion to heart. The night before Ash had to drive me to the airport, the phone rang late at night. On the other end I hear, “Welp, were engaged!” WHHHHHHATTTT??? AHHHH!!!!! I’d just spent the whole day with her and said goodbye to Anthony when he came to pick her up for their date, and now…well now they were husband and wife to be! I think my heart skipped a few beats in that moment. But I guess as Ash would say…when you know, you know! They knew the Lord had created them to become one. Four months later, on a beautiful October evening they wed.

Since their wedding day, life has brought some unexpecteds and joys, some hurts and victories. What an incredible gift it has been to watch them walk through married life together. Anthony opened his own State Farm Agency this past winter which the Lord has blessed abundantly. He is such a faithful provider and hard worker for his wife. Following the leading of the Lord, not long after their union the newlyweds were faced with some difficult circumstances which led to some big changes, especially for Ashley.

A selfless, submissive heart does not begin to describe the way Ash handled it all. Through the tears and unknowns, I once again watched her cling to the Word and steadfastness of her first love, which compelled her to cleave to her husband, obediently and joyfully. All those years, she taught me and explained to me what it means for a woman to submit to her hubby and why it’s so important that the Lord created us this way. I heard her and believed her, but always doubted (even up to this year) the realistic application of such counter-cultural principles. I mean, could people really live as one like this…continually dying to themselves for the betterment of their spouse? Do sinners really have the ability to sacrafice greatly for another? What does it really look like for a woman to submit to a man? If you ask me—scary.

With tears in my eyes, a heart overflowing with thankfulness for her living out what she preaches once again, I am so proud of you Ashley Luster. As you have so graciously allowed me to be apart of your life, to cry with you, to rejoice with you, I have seen what it means to live this out through watching you. What a beautiful picture of Christ’s love for us! Thank you for being such a faithful wife. You love, honor, and cherish Anthony even when he is not in the room. You speak nothing but life over him and your marriage. Thank you for not hesitating to submit to his leading, even when it requires sacrifice.

precious couple

And sacrifice you have—you have really had to wrestle through some things. Through that wrestling I have seen your dependency on the Lord strengthened and refined, your love for your husband flourish. Your life the past several months has taught me so much about marriage and how it really does make you look more like Jesus. The joy with which you obey and die to yourself points all the glory to Christ. Apart from Him, I know you couldn’t do it. Yet with Him all things are possible—even a godly marriage in which you lovingly sacrifice your desires for the joy of another. Joyful submission to a man. Wow. What a concept. Just how the Lord intended for marriage to be...after all, He never called us to look like the world, did He? What a blessing that the Lord would so graciously begin to teach me about wifehood as a twenty-year-old through simply doing life alongside you.

on thier wedding day

All the years you devoted your heart and life to the pursuit of Christ as your lover have strengthened you to love your hubby well and enabled you to joyfully follow his leading, just as Christ has called you to do so many times before. Thank you for your obedience to the Father and to your husband. Thank you for continually challenging me in my relationship with the Lord and refusing to let me get too comfortable. Thank you for teaching me and loving me so well. Through doing life with you, the Lord is continually engraving His ways deeply upon my heart. I am so proud of the wife you are, Ashley Luster. Most of all, thank you for loving your husband.

This Crazy Life...

Well, I fail at blogging lately! What can I say? Things have been crazy and busy as usual. I finished out my Sophmore year at THE U of A and headed home to the Lou for the summer. More to come on summer plans soon (and I promise I will be intentional about writing regularly though the summer!). I actually booked it home after finishing up school only to jump on a plane bound for Roanoke, VA to visit my bestest friend Lesley. Initially, the plan was to just go hang with her in the montains for a couple weeks during this free time between school and work since we will be apart all summer as she continues to work in Blacksburg and head overseas later in the summer, and I am all alone in the Lou. :)

But just a couple weeks before heading up there, I got one of her wacky phone calls. I always know I really don't have a choice in the matter whenever the phone call starts off with Les saying, "Okay, so this is kind of random and you really don't have to say yes to this but I just wanted to run it by you..." By then she already has me roped in of course! Anyhow, she proposed us participating in this crazzzzy cross-country roadtrip with her two sweet friends who she met through interantional ministry at Virginia Tech. They are both grad students studying in VA from Germany. Les went on to explain to me how they fly back to Germany from California so the plan is to roadtrip across the country in about a month since they fly out from there anyway...just a few days later I had gotten the go-ahead from mom and the plans were begining to take form! I would spend a week with Les and then we jump in the car and begin this once in a lifetime adventure! I would only go as far as St. Louis, where they would leave me and continue on to CA.

On May 18th, a few days earlier then planned, we piled us and all of our stuff into Rita (the car) and began our drive across country. Frist stop: Pittsburg! We really just hung out in the city and were total tourists! We walked around a quaint upper street that overlooked the whole city. We ate ice cream for dinner and peanutbutter for desert. After trecking through the city for awhile, we decided to pile back into Rita and continue on northbound before we called it a night. We ended up calling a bunch of cheap hotels in our coupon book in desperate search of a hot tub or pool.We finally found one about an hour and a half outside of Pittsburg. The "hot tub" was more like a glorified bath tub. The yellow-tint of the water (which we had to fill up ourselves) was just too much for me. The three of them piled in while I sat on the edge, hesitant to even dangle my feet in too far. We played a little banangrams and slept sooooo good that night. The next morning we piled back into Rita and headed for Niagra Falls. Stay tuned!

Walking on the Path

The past week or two has brought some unexpecteds in life. You know, the ones you never see coming but are always thankful for in retrospect. Well, I’m not there yet…I can’t look back. I am in the thick of it, begging the Lord to reveal His will daily. Praying. Hoping. Waiting. Asking. Demanding. Repenting. Weeping. Begging. Whining. Replay…times infinity. This process has robbed me of precious time in His word, on my knees and in fellowship because when I am engaging in those daily activities, it is consistently revolving around this unexpected dilemma and making the right decision.

Confusion is not from Jesus. In fact, I’m realizing more and more just how straight forward He is in His words…His commands. There really is not a whole lot to debate about the Words of Christ; I think that is purposeful…a gentle reminder of His character, and in reality, His sovereignty.

Over the past several days, the frustration of my inability to hear him clearly, my fear of making the wrong decision, my doubts in making the right one…eventually they brought me to a place of straight up frustration. I screamed into the pillow. Jumped in the puddles. Danced in the floods. Wept prostrate before the Lord atop the hair-infested carpet of my little abode. Oh how I need to buy a vacuum!

As I was trying to express some of my pent-up frustrations yet again with a precious sister, out of no where she goes, “Gosh Court, I wish I could just change your personality.” Of course I laugh it off, a little nervousness mixed in at a comment like that. I mean, words kind of escape at that point.

“Well what does that mean exactly?” My sinfulness bites back. “What could you possibly want to change about MY personality?” I humbly think to myself. Good thing I’m used the loving wounds inflicted by her wise words. We both laughed. She explained how she just wishes she could quiet my steady ache to analyze and analyze and analyze everything to the point of exhaustion…frustration. I smile at the thought...if only.

We discuss my need for the Word in moments like this. Then I let it slip that all day I have dreaded even the thought of opening that Book. It’s not like I can hear anything through the noise of my ceaselessly over-analytic thoughts. Confirmation in that verse or a lack there of in the next one. Lord, what are you trying to tell me? That what I have been thinking is not the right decision? What about the words from that song I heard earlier? Perhaps it is the right decision? That verse confirms it…yep I know this is what I am supposed to do…ten minutes later…wait, HOLD on. What about this story Lord? You didn’t have me read this today for no reason. Plus, that conversation I had earlier with that girl…clearly this is not your will for me after all. Back and forth, it never ends. It’s no wonder opening the Word seems so dreadful. Lord I just want to be obedient to you…I want to do your will!!

I heard a sermon yesterday. It’s been permeating through my thoughts ever since. It goes something like this:

As believers, we should never ask God to reveal to us His will for our lives. Huh?

Let’s say you’re walking in the forest one day. You are lost. You ask, “Where is the path at?” When is the only time you are going to wonder where the path is at? Well, I guess if you’re not on it.

So, don’t go off the path. Problem solved.

Just stay on the path…just walk in the will of God. Then the only time you will ever ask what His will for your life is, is when you are not walking in it. Disobedience.

If you obey His commands, you cannot walk out of His will!

Flee from sexual immorality, pray like this, spend time in my word, love me with all your heart, then love your neighbor as yourself…fill in the blank. Obey His commands.

If you, like myself, find yourself asking what God’s will is for your life, the better question would be to ask Him to reveal the areas of disobedience in your life so that you can continue walking in His will.


As you’re walking in the will of God, walking along the path, you obey His commands and as you obey, he directs your steps! In Acts as Paul obeyed God, God led him each step of the way, and as a result the gospel went into Europe for the first time. All of those people never would have heard the gospel if Paul was more worried about figuring out if what he was doing was God’s will for his life, rather then just walking in obedience to the commands God had already given him…walking in His will!
He has put His spirit inside of you!!! How do we follow the sprit of God? We obey his commands. Paul was not just sitting around waiting on the will of God. We don’t wait on the will of god. We walk in the will of God.

Today I am learning to experience beauty of walking in His will rather then begging for Him to tell me what it is. Today, I know what He wants for me to do, after all His commands need not be analyzed. Thank you Jesus for making them clear for all of us who belong to OA…over-analyzers anonymous! Sometimes, I feel like one foot in front of the next is about all I can do for the day. How gracious is He, that today, that is enough. In fact, one foot in front of the next is all walking requires. Hmmm. What an unfathomable gift; we don’t have to do anything to earn our way into God’s will for our lives…obedience to His Word out of an overflowing heart puts us right in the midst of it.

Reveal to me, Lord, the areas of disobedience in my life. Permit nothing to hinder the steady thump of one foot in front of the next. Thank you for allowing me to know you and to walk in your will for my life.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
                                          Proverbs 3:5-6

Easter

Easter has always been a bittersweet holiday for me. So many years of my life were spent clueless as to the actual meaning behind the day. Engrained in my mind are the memories of Easters past. Even reflecting upon it now, my heart quickens as the feelings of pain, confusion, jealousy, dissapointment, and embarrasment rise. The hurt I held so deep in my heart all those years still pentrates through time like the sun on my skin; always there, even when I can't feel the burn.

Today, it burns. It burns deeply.

I can remember riding home on the bus. A three day weekend on the horizon--unspeakable joy in the life of a ten year old. My friends conversing, revealing thier exciting plans and family traditions. Cries of anticipation filled the air, the expectation was unmistakable. As the bus screached to a hault at the top of my street, I walked aisle of dread, head down, already wishing this dreadful weekend to be complete. The driver, he gave me a gentle nod and smile, stretching out a bowl of candy from which I could choose any one I like. A gesture that spoke more then that old man may ever know.

My young eyes were simply reminded of all that lacked in my life. A family who gathered on such a day...a such thing as a tradition, which seemed a foreign word around my houshold. Candy. Just a little basket. A bunny perhaps? I remember waking up on Easter morning, hoping and paying that beyond my wildest dreams maybe, just maybe, the bunny would have brought me a little something. As I grew in age, I remember walking outside on a dreary Easter morning to see all of my friends outside with baskets circling the edges of the yeard in pursuit of colored candy-filled eggs. Jealousy. Confusion. Hurt. Why not me? Why doesn't anyone care aout me? Why don't my parents love me enough to hide some plastic eggs for me? Of course he attacks the idenity, my very worth thrown into upheaval at such an innocent age.

I remember going into my backyard, hiding under the deck and just sobbing--for hours. I wanted to be like all the other kids. I wanted to jump on the bus Monday morning, sugar-coma slowly wearing off with tales of bunnies, baskets, chocolate, eggs, surprises, and time together. I wanted to be that kind of family; the ones that celebrate by spoiling the kids, cooking up a feast, and arguing over who will cut the ham and how to cook the potatoes. The good, bad and ugly...I wanted it all, I wanted a family...a  mom and dad to argue about who hid the missing egg...a little heart just craving some love.

I suppose growing up with a Jewish, preoccupied mom and an alcoholic, absentee dad doesnt make for a very happy easter for any wide-eyed expecting child, even myself.  When I got on the bus monday morning, year after year, I felt ashamed. What do I say when my friends ask me what the bunny brought me? How do I tell them my family is different then thiers; my family does not do an egg hunt or go to church or cook a feast or argue about how much chocolate the kids can eat. There are no annual traditions, no pastel dresses. In my house, Easter is just another Sunday.

These are the memories, the feelings, the images that flood my mind when I begin to see chocolate eggs and bunnies lining the aisles of the local wal-mart. No matter how hard I try to forget...to forgive...The bitterness still stings...ouch.

 But then the sweet, well the sweetness of Easter is that God sets the solitary in families. That today I belong to believing brothers and sisters by blood as well a whole community of brothers and sisters in the body of Christ.

The bitter is that the nails stung as they were hammered into his palms and feet. The sting continued as He hung to death.

But then the sweet is that He took the sting so that I don't have to live enslaved to it anymore. He concquered the sting and rose again! Death could not keep Him, the grave could not hold Him.

For me, Easter is bittersweet. Today though, I realized the sweet is starting to outweigh the build-up of bitter. The sweetness of the sweet...it is just unbearable to even consider. What an unspeakable day of reflection, thanksgiving, and anticipation. Wow. I was so broken over not getting candy or bunnies, when the God of the Universe was broken for me.

Even before I knew my precious Jesus, you loved me. Even before I was one day old, you had the whole plan. 

Though I greatly missed celebrating this day with my sisters and brothers, what a blessing it was to remember the sacrafice on the Cross with my spiritual family here in Fayetteville. So thankful for the Herrons and the Fosters for adopting me as one of thier own. What family. What love. What sacrafice. What a Savior. Oh the sweetness of it all.

Stop Skipping Over the Tough Stuff

So over the years I have encountered a good number of people who question certain areas of scripture. There are people who argue one interpretation over another. People who believe in application of all scripture regardless of culture and those who interpret it based on culture today. Of course it’s always the controversial verses, the ones whose application is up for a good portion of debate.

Personally, I have always sort of just shut down, so to speak, when such areas come up in conversation. My mind aches even in beginning to think through the issue at hand. Trying to actually get to the bottom of it and figure out the “truth” of the Truth is just too much. I know it is True. Areas such as these have never caused me to doubt the Truth or application of scripture in my life. Despite my overwhelming lack of pursuing such knowledge in the past, the Lord ahs begun to birth a hunger in me for the answers…or maybe not even the answers perse, rather a hunger for more. He has placed in me a desire to submit to the process…to learn from the process…to be content in the process…to love the process!

So as I share some of what I have been searching out the past few days, my desire is not to claim to have all the answers or even the right answers. My intention in sharing is simply to encourage submission to the process…to feed this new found hunger the Lord has placed in me to learn from His Word, to really know His word. I don’t want to gloss over the tough stuff in scripture; it wouldn’t be tough if it wasn’t important to our lives as believers. When I look at my life, it is always in the tough seasons, the difficult conversations, the confusion that God does the most transforming work in my heart. Similarly, I think addressing these tough issues, having the hard conversations, pushing through the confusion actually engrains these precious Words from scripture upon our hearts all the more, enabling our minds to be renewed and the heart to be changed.

First off I learned that there are thee ways to interpret and view scripture:
1.) Literalism: hold to the principle and the practice outlined in scripture.
2.) Liberalism: because culture doesn’t correlate, we will reject the principle as well.
3.) Cultural transposition: principles are timeless and cultural expressions are timely.

Let’s look at 1 Timothy 2: 8-15.
I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing. I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God. A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam was formed first, the Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love, and holiness with propriety.

So out of this passage, there are really three root issues being addressed: prayer, modesty, and authority.
Principle:
• Prayer
• Modesty
• Authority

Each of these principles are expressed certain ways in this passage. The ways they are expressed are obviously relative to culture at the time. So then, we must look at each cultural expression and determine if such an expression is still appropriate within culture today. Or maybe not even whether or not it is appropriate, but whether or not it is relevant and pertains to us.

Here are the ways prayer, modesty, and authority are expressed in this passage.

Cultural Expression:
• Lift up holy hands
• No braids, pearls, gold, or expensive clothes
• Silence, teaching

So then we must sit down and ask ourselves some questions. First off, when you pray, do you lift up holy hands? If I were to answer that, I would say sometimes, but not always. Thus, I would say that this cultural expression of prayer is optional. Second, I would ask myself if I wear braids, pearls, gold or expensive clothing? Well, yes I have worn all of those, but I still dress modestly. Thus, perhaps the definition of modesty as it pertained to Timothy’s culture has changed in modern-day. As a result, I would say once again the cultural expression of modesty in this passage is optional.

Now for the big one. Third, are women in the church silent? Well, I know I’m not! In fact, I always feel like what I contribute to a discussion or study is valued by men, not looked down upon. Thus, authority is no longer expressed by women’s silence. Speaking in the church is, once again, an option. I also think that the context of the text is incredibly important. If you know anything about Ephesus (which is where Timothy is at when he gets this letter from Paul) then you would know that at the time, there was widespread worshipping of a goddess named Artimus going on and there was a lot of bickering and arguing among the people at this time. Perhaps Paul makes this statement about women being quiet simply because there are already so many voices arguing back and forth, the last thing that was needed to add to the noise are the voices of women amidst the arguing. All of this to say, the cultural expression of authority today is not in the direct silence of women, rather we expect females to have a voice.

The other aspect of this third cultural expression is teaching and the role women should or should not play in terms of this authority. I am not going to lie, out of all of these issues, this one has always been a tough one for me to even consider coming to terms with and wrestling through because I had a feeling I wasn’t going to like the conclusion I came to. Thus, this is a BIG step for me in the process! Thus far, every cultural expression we have discussed has been optional in its modern-day application. Is this aspect of women teaching optional as well?

What is it that bothers us so much about this statement in scripture? Is it the “teach” that bothers us? Or is it the “authority” that bothers us? Personally I have no desire to stand before a group as a teacher of anything, so I guess it really isn’t the teaching aspect of this verse that is so troublesome for me. Rather, it strikes me as a battle of authority…or a lack there of in my case (as a woman). I mean even I don't have a burning desire to stand before a crowd and teach or share, I want to have the right to! After listening to a pastor a couple nights ago preach regarding this very issue, my heart has not only begun to soften to this concept, but more importantly I understand why God inspired Paul to write regarding such an issue and why He orchestrated it this way from day one.

First off, in rearguards to the issue of women teaching, I do NOT believe this one is optional in contrast to the issues previously discussed. If you keep reading a few more verses, it says in chapter 3 verse 2, “Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife…” Thus, one qualification of being in a teaching role within the church is to be a husband of one wife…in order to be a husband (at least when the text was written) it was assumed you were also a man.

So then, if we do not believe women should teach in the body, then how exactly does that play out in the real world? I mean, just sitting here I can name countless women I know who teach. This bothers me because I know that some of these women are solid believers and I learn so much from the Truth they teach. This pastor who taught on this scripture a few nights ago talked about the importance of a woman’s role in ministry. Take a youth ministry for example...it would not be very effective if there was no women in some form of leadership to minister to and encourage the girls within the ministry. This particular church body reconciled this issue by taking away the titles of men and women and simply calling everyone who works within the youth ministry “staff,” so as not to demean one sex over the other. Also, in the youth groups, usually most of the high schoolers (and even some college students) are yet to really act as “men” thus a woman in leadership over them is not an issue. Also, I think it is beneficial for women to get up and share testimony or talk about an issue before the body at times. In this situation, I think if the elders of the church introduced the woman to the body and expressed their support of her sharing then ultimately the authority still lies with the elders as it should. The issue becomes then how often can this woman share? When does it become too much in the sense that her doctrine is being imposed on the body and the authority is now inappropriate? I don’t claim to have all the answers with any of this…still wrestling through it in my own life but these are just some of the thoughts occupying my mind today.

Anyhow, even though I don't understand all of the ins and outs of how this statement applies modern day, I do know that the Lord did not create women to be in authority over one another or over men...we need godly men desperately! It is really interesting that this particular verse came up because I have really been challenged by one of my roomates to study this role of a "spiritual authority" or a fatherly figure in a young woman's life over the past week or so and I have heard lots of differing thoughts on the matter, but one thing I do know is that girls need daddys!!!! Espcially in the society we live in today where over half of marriages are ending in divorce causing the way God intended for daddy's to father thier children and mom's to mother their children to drift far from the way he designed it to be. So at this point even as I struggle to really come to terms with the punch this statement packs so to speak, I hold firm to the truth that girls need dads...why? Well, becuase girls simply can't go at it alone, or even just with other girls...we need to be led and loved!

A Little Break

Well an overwhelmingly challenging and difficult week came to a conclusion with a of the spur of the moment roadtrip to Springfield with the precious Herron family. Upon arrival I got to enjoy a delicious dinner with all the King family and thier spouses. Of course a hug from my big sis Ash always makes things just a little a better! :) So blessed by challenging and encouraging conversations with Al and Scott on the road too!

While they went to a wedding, I got to spend some sweet and much needed time with my sweet friend Julie who is at MSU. We spent the night in the one and only blue house with girls who are in Lightbearers, the same discipleship program I am in down here in Fayetteville. We stayed up WAY too late having some intense and challenging conversations, and while I missed out on some precious sleep I am soooo greateful for the conversations had and the time I got to spend with these girls. Before I even arrived Julie and I agreed we HAD to knock out a TON of homework....of course that didn't happen but that's okay.

Instead, we served at a local food bank that provides meals for kids in poverty inflicted countries where many are starving. The meals consisted of these bags which we filled with rice, soy, beans, and dried veggies, a combination which had proven incredibly sucessful in the rehabilitation and re-feeding of these malnourished populations. The nutritionists who get to come up with these types of formulas are so interesting to me...who knows maybe part of a career path for me one day! After this we walked (yes, no car to get around in...what a concept!) to lunch at a fun little restaurant. Then we went back in attempt to get all that homework done, but after about an hour both of us found ourselves laying in Julie's little twin bed exahusted from our nearly all-nighter. Oh and might I add, that no nap would be complete without Julie pouring water into my ear and hair prior to sleeping simply because I didn't want her nutso alarm to wake me up!

Anyhow, once we finally did wake up a couple hours later, we had dinner in a dining hall...really got the full out college experience! Then we both realized the homework thing just wasn't gunna happen so we got a very special tour of campus from the one and only Claire and then we had a photoshoot on campus until my camera decided to die...of couse right when I'm about to take a picture of us breaking the rules and going into the fountain on campus!!! Oh well. We had so much fun just goofying off and talking about life. I havn't laughed so much in quite a long time. A much needed break, that is for sure. So thankful for my sweet friend Julie for letting me come hang and just for being such an encouragement to me!

Here are a few pics from the weekend....

Sweet Friend so wonderful to spend a weekend with you!!!

Thankful in All Things

Man oh man do you ever just have those days...weeks...when it seems life just has it out for you? I have no clue how that statement measures up biblically speaking, but I do know that is how it has been feeling around here the past few days...nearly a week really. I wish I could see the big picture in moments like these. I wish I could see past the pain, past the hurt, past the tears, past the confusion...I wish I could see the story, the healing, the inexpressible joy, the soveign perfection of his plan. Why am I so blind? So selfish? So prideful?

Oh my precious Jesus how I need thee. Oh how I need thee.

This past week has brought some unexpecteds in my life that I never saw coming. Some conversations that have held so much hurt, my heart still lays tattered inside my chest. I have been challenged in some areas that I didn't even know existed until several days ago. I have felt defeated, run over, discouraged, not-so-lovingly wounded even. It is funny how you have no idea how precious something is until you realize that you don't have it anymore. And by the time you realize that change has occured, there is no room to even look back on how it used to be; the loss stings a bit and yet the process of losing resonates deep inside, as the pain intensifies with the continual drudge of a heartbeat that must keep in beating.

Through the stream of unexpecteds over the past week, through the fear and trembling as my salvation stands firm, through the tears and groans of my ever-heavy heart, through the laborous toils and mundane tasks that must be accomplished in the midst of it all, I have seen learned oneTruth that I cannot seem to escape.

For some reason I cannot escape this one little verse all week. Three times in a period of several days the Lord presented before my eyes...once in a quiet time, once in a book and again from a fellow blogger. So it got me thinking...

Ephesians 5:20 reads, "…always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."

What does he really mean by this? I mean it says to always give thanks for everything...if we really took this scripture for what it says, then how would that change the position of my heart? Well, honestly, it would be weird...I mean who says they're thankful for the earthquakes in Japan for example? What would I think if someone told me that they were thankful I was sick today? Such a concept just seems to scream CRAZY! The first thought in my mind is this can't be right...people are going to think I've gone off the deep end. And yet, is there ever anything about scripture that seems to mesh well with the ways of the world? In fact, James tells us about friendship with the world all right..."You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God."

After a bit of wrestling this one out, I have come to the conclusion that, much to my dimay, the Lord intends for this verse to resonate deeply in the way in which I walk through life. So here I am. I know that I am commanded to give thanks for all things, to Him.

Too bad doing so means putting a pause on that spinning cycle of self-pity I've been lost in.

• Thank you for the pain.
• Thank you for arguements.
• Thank you for hours of crying.
• Thank you that no one showed up to an event I planned.
• Thank you for never letting the words come out how I practice them.
• Thank you for taking something precious.
• Thank you for loneliness.
• Thank you for change, for unexpected change of course.
• Thank you for my people-pleasing skills.
• Thank you for food poisoning.

I need to start thanking my God for ALL things. Even before they start working together for my good.

A New Favorite!!!

Okay so I just have to share this recipe seeing as I have already made them twice this week!

Last week I was hanging out with my precious sister-in-law and my little nephew and she had to make a few recipes. So she starts telling me about how she is always trying to find little ways to sneak more veggies into his diet...he's a year old! I loveeee my sister!! So much to learn :)

So she made these carrot zucchini muffins and carrot cookies. Delicious. That's what I was NOT thinking. Just the sound of it...sick nasty. But she gave me a little sample and it wasn't bad. So I got back to Fayetteville and realized I really should learn to trick myself into eating more veggies. So I decided to try it out...the muffins a least. The cookies mught be pushing it! And let's just say it was a sucess!

Whether you're trying to "trick" your kids into eating more veggies or would like a healthy yet sweet treat yourself, these muffins are for you. As my family and roomates can vouch, I am one of the most picky eaters around, so for me to say that I am addicted to muffins stuffed with veggies, veggies that I don't even like by themselves, is saying a whole lot about these muffins!

Here is the recipe:

CARROT ZUCCHINI MUFFINS
1/4 c. canola oil
1/2 c. brown sugar
1 egg
3/4 c. applesauce (cinnamon will make them sweeter...I like the natural though)
1 c. grated carrots
1 c. grated zucchini
1 c. all purpose whole wheat flour
3/4 c. all purpose flour
2 t. baking powder
1 t. cinnamon
1/2 t. ground nutmeg
1/2 t. salt

1.) whisk the oil and bown sugar in large bowl
2.) add the egg and applesauce, whisk or beat (I just stir really hard b/c it's easier then getting the beater out)
3.) Stir in the carrot and zucchini
4.) In a seperate bowl, combine all dry ingredients
5.) Add dry to wet and stir

6.) Bake at 400 for about 16-20 mins.

Precious Memories

I know I am a little bit behind, but last week my big sister Ashley Luster got to come down to Fayetteville to spend some sweet time with her sisters...and me! :) It was so fun to get to show her my home away from home. We got to see my apartment and meet a couple of my roomates. Of course she graciously shaped up my eyebrows because I refused to leave until she did! One of the biggest disadvantages to moving so far away would probably be losing my personal eye-brow plucker...oh and I guess I kinda miss the girl herself too :)

Then we were going to go to this little hole in wall for lunch called the Little Bread Co but it was closed--sad day. So enstead we tried out a place neither of us had been which was literally in a dungeon! haha. Okay no, but seriously you had to walk underground into a basement basically. It was a fun little hamburger joint. Ironically, neither of us actually got a hambuger. Ever since daddy King said that hambugers were the ONE food you should literally never eat (unless you make it at home on the grill) I have not been able to do it! And I guess Ash hasn't either. But we shared a big basket of homeade fries and they were delicious.

I am so blessed to get to have a big sister who just knows me better then I know myself more often then not. I am so thankful for her years of wisdom and her honesty. Even when it hurts! Hurts soooo good, I guess you could say. It was refreshing and uplifting to have sweet conversations about just doing life with Jesus...and just praising His faithfulness and His sovereignty admist season of much inconsistency and change. Even admist her gift of lovingly wounding me.

The next day my precious roomate Heather and I got to go meet up with Ash for coffee and just chat some more about the precious Jesus that we get to love. The two them gabbed for ever about love and marriage and courtship and life as a wife and all of these wonderful things about marriage that make my brain hurt and make me realize just how NOT ready I am for my husband. I loved getting to watch Ash retell her and Anthony's story; the hand of the Lord just envelops thier love...and thier story.

Then me and Ash got to road trip back to the Lou together...sort of. It was quite an adventure---exhausting! I did have fun packing a special snack bag for us.

• Some Munchies...our favorte roadtrip food that we always get whenever we drive far away. She eats the cheese things, I eat the bread things and we pick through the pretzels; one thing neither of us enjoy.
• Some of Shelly Hunter's fabulous nut mix.
• Some bananas and grapes; delicious and nutricious.
• Some yummy chocolates for a sweet treat.

All divied up in ziplocks for easy acess while driving of course.

We made a few stops along the way. Several bathroom breaks; my tummy was not feeling good. And of course a stop in Springfield for Ash to stock up on Sinless Pastry---her fav coffee. Then a little-wake-me-up at Panera; coffee for Ash, begal for me. The trip was so fun, minus the rock that hit my windshield which will be getting replaced tomorrow. Dislike to trucks on the highway.

By the end of the trip, we were getting SOOO sleepy so Ash tried to teleport us home; sad to say, it failed.

A Little Pick Me Up

Okay so a few weeks ago when I was hanging out with the precious Shelly Hunter and the kiddos, she offered me a snack that she was giving the kids...I absolutely LOVED it and was so impressed by how she disguised such healthy nutrients into a little tasty, CHOCOLATE pick me up. I got back to Fayetteville and made it in bulk right away so that I would have it on hand. Now around 3 three o clock daily I find myself migrating the freezer. I was struggling so much with bad headaches every afternoon but just eating this little protein-packed delicious snack has eliminated those headaches without taking any meds! SO great!

The Recipe:
Walnuts
Pecans
Pumpkin Seeds
Sunflower Seeds
Chocolate Chips

Then, you dump them all into a freezer-size ziplock bag and place the bag in the freezer.

You will be amazed at how good these simple ingredients taste when they are frozen! Then I usually just take out a little bit and put it in a little ziplock or a small dish for my afternoon pick-me-up! It is packed full of protein and yet it is something I look forward to because I am a chocolate addict! It's got it all really! It is a perfect snack for the kiddos too!

You can make as much or as little as you want. You can also add differnt nuts/seeds. I tried adding peanuts and it is pretty good, but they dont taste as good frozen as the other nuts.

I buy all of the nuts/seeds in bulk at Trader Joes, Sams, or Costco because they are so much cheaper that way and obviously, in the freezer it lasts awhile!

Enjoy! Thank you Shelly Hunter!!!

A Precious Mom

Me and Shelly

So when I was home a few weeks ago for the weekend, I got to spend some sweet time with the precious Hunter family, well the Phillip and Shelly Hunter family :) I WISH that the rest of the Hunter family was still around here! What a blessing it is to be able to spend time with such a beautiful family!

I have always considered Phillip and Shelly my "spiritual parents," so getting to spend time with them and the kiddos is always such a sweet time for me. Every single time that I go over there just to hang out with Shelly and the kids, I walk away having learned SOMETHING new. This just speaks so much to what an incredible mom Shelly is. I LOVEEEE getting to learn from her because she is such an incredible godly wife to Phillip and mom to Atley, Avery, Cannon, and Champ. Her vision as a mom, is to point her kids to Jesus in every aspect of thier lives...from what she teaches them in the classroom to the toys that they play with to the books that they read...the list could go on forever. I think that more often then not, especially in the culture in which we live today, moms tend to delegate that role to others...the church, youth group, television, peers, books, school, and so on. I love that Shelly (and Phillip) refuses to leave the role of teaching her kids about the gospel to anyone else, and sees that as thier mom, if she teaches them nothing else, that is the ONE thing that really matters. I love that she wants them to memorize scripture. To teach them bible stories. To not let them play with all the "worldly" toys like Princesses and the latest movie action figures. To limit the movies/tv they get to watch.

More then anything, I love that Shelly never stops growing in wisdom and allowing the Lord to give her new visions and ideas to promote Christ in thier day-to-lives. I have also learned so much about how to discipline the kids, out of love of course, from Shelly. I can honestly say that every time I come home, the Lord has shown her something new to try out or convicted her about this or given her a new way of teaching them about that and so on. She is never afraid to confess to me her weaknesses as a mom either...she just puts it all out there and I cannot even begin to explain how much this encourages me and how much I learn from her...through the weaknesses and the strengths!

Shelly with her twin girls, Atley and Avery

The biggest thing I see from Shelly is that motherhood is a process...how just like in our walk with the Lord, you are constantly growing in wisdom, seeing things you had never seen before, being convicted about things that previously didn't bother you, learning how to do things better and more effectively, rejoicing in the little victories, being continually refined by the trials and struggles. Shelly has been valnurable enough to allow me to see all of it...even the not "perfect" and "beautiful" aspects of raising a family. It's not always easy for sure.

I think that I relate to Shelly so much because she has always wanted to be a mom...it is who she is...what she was born to do...and she does it ALL to the glory of God, which is so evident after you're around her for a minute! I have always felt like I was just "born to be a mom," and that has always been the biggest part of my "dream" so to speak. Shelly has taught me to appreciate motherhood in a whole new way, to really understand what it means to be a mom; that it is a day in and day out, full time job! Yes--its incredible! And yet, it doesn't always feel like that "dream" you know? Motherhood is such a beautiful thing, yet it is never perfect either. For so long, I "perfected" it in my head. Shelly has taught me about the real thing; how to be a godly mom in real life, so to speak. Mostly because she is real. And this is

Me with the newest addition to the Hunter Family
Baby Champ...soooo precious!

not something I could ever learn in a textbook or in the classroom...I learn the real deal through spending time with Shelly, and year from now when I am starting my own family, it is all of these little, yet instrumental things that I learn just from Shelly allowing me to do life with her. And I praise God that He put such a precious, real woman who is just in love with Jesus in my life to teach me these things. Slowly, of course...little by little...like being a mom, learning about how to be a good mom is a PROCESS!!!

Man oh man, the Lord is faithful. My mind keeps going back to that verse that talks about how God puts the lonely in families...don't get me wrong, I have good realtionships with my parents now and siblings who are in love with Jesus who love me and from whom I learn SO much, but there is just something that I cannot explain really, that is just completely the Lord and how He really did just surround me with this spiritual family when I was in a pretty difficult and lonely season of life...and now four years later just to see how their role has changed, and yet has become more precious to me then ever before.

Shelly with sweet Cannon

I think it is beautiful to think about how God never fails to show us in real life, in tangible ways, His unfathomable love for us, that in the sacrafice of HIS OWN SON, He reached down to cleanse us, to heal us, to redeem a people who had deliberately rebelled, a people for whom His LOVE tore open the grave, a people for whom HE gave it all, a people for whom He ADOPTED to be called His children...chosen, redeemed, transformed, healed, paid for, accepted, loved! For me, Phillip and Shelly have shown me this kind of love...they reached out and grabbed a hold of me, even when I deliberately rebelled, and loved me. Then they loved me some more. And more. And more. And years later, here they are still loving me, encouraging me, teaching me how to be a godly wife and momma...do you see how FAITHFUL our God is?!? I had no idea when I randomly came into thier lives years back that this would be the couple, the family who would help prepare me for my own family...and I'm sure they weren't planning on it either! But the Lord knew.

Phillip, Shelly and me

Here I am, four years ago, this girl who comes from a pretty messed up home, having no clue who God is or what it even means to be a mom. So God says, okay Courtney, let me just set you in a family and one day, one day when you stop living for yourself and submit your life to me, one day I will use this family, the one who will love you through it all, to teach you exactly what it means to be a godly mom and wife. Yes, I do see you. I know what you grew up with...and what you grew up without. I know the hurts, the heartaches, the emptiness. I know you have no idea how to do it right. It's okay. I am the One who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above anything you could ever ask or imagine. I set the lonely in families. I break the cycle of generational sin. I make things new. I made you new. It is over with you; everything is NEW! So here, let me just put you in this "new" family to help you learn these "new" concepts and wisdom about how to be a mom, a NEW mom....a mom in love with Me. Ashes for Beauty. I make all things NEW.

Love you!!!

Wow. Beautiful, faithful, sovereign Jesus, oh how I love Thee.

And what a blessing it has been, is, and will continue to be to do life with my spiritual family...Shelly, thank you for loving me, for pouring into me, and for allowing me to do life with you guys. I am so increibly thankful for you and the time I get to spend with you. You will never know how your love for the Lord, your love for Phillip and the kiddos, the way you have loved me...you'll never know how that being a part of all that, of seeing it, of feeling it...how that has changed my life. I Love you!!!

And the funny thing is that I started writing this blog to write a "short quick one" about a recipe that shelly taught me a few weeks ago that I have soooo enjoyed...I even named the Blog "A Little Pick me Up" yet an hour later here I am, writing a totally different blog, but for some reason the Lord must have needed me to say all of this, sooooo I will save the recipe for later :) 

The One

Do you know misery? Do you know darkness? Do you know pain? Do you know hopelessness? Do you know worthlessness? Do you know torment? Do you know that feeling, the one that makes you wish you could just disappear?

Do you know the desperation, the burning and gnawing wretchedness that leads one to truly believe that the brightest alternative to this hell on earth, the easiest way to disappear, to escape from it all, is to bury oneself alive…literally?

A while back, I heard a story that comes to mind right now. Tonight I have been wrestling mercilessly in my head with this desire to have mercy for the ONE verses this calling to fight for justice for the HUNDREDS. Either way, there are cons. Sure, I could help the one, but in doing so would I harm the hundreds? How much help could I really offer to the one, that is after she was taken to a safe place…then what? I could help the hundreds over months and years, but what about the one that is being raped and beaten as I type this?

Mercy or Justice? The proper proportionate mixture of the two. It is a war that wages in my head continually these days. Whose side I am on, I honestly could not tell you.

But tonight as I was spending some time crying out on behalf of the ONE, the Lord gently confirmed my pleas by reminding me of a story I heard a bit ago. I changed it up a little bit and added my own take on it, but the concreteness of it is factual. It is utterly gut-wrenching and certainly inspires a sense of mercy for even the most heartless of persons.

A man was visiting a brothel. He was actually an undercover cop, but no one knew it. He was walking through the building, getting the lay of the land within this prominent Red Light District. As his eyes darted from room to room, corner to corner, he took up notes in his head as to the placement of everything. He knew in a few months he would be back here; the next time, he wouldn’t be undercover.

A few weeks prior, the authorities had several reports of possible cases of trafficking. It led to the discovery of a large trafficking ring, actually over 30 brothels intertwined, in one way or another. This was one of them. He was here on a mission; one which he could not act on until it could all come down at once. He was doing justice. It took time. But the payoff, well, the payoff would result in the HUNDREDS being set free.

As he finished up touring the inside, he noticed a door leading out back. He had come in broad daylight, so many of the young girls, free from the demand of their clientele, were playing outside on this sunny day. The door banged shut behind him as he took several steps out onto the back patio. His eyes skimmed the surroundings, as he immediately envisioned the troops surrounding the tall wooden fence, which currently served to lock these girls into this hellish nightmare. His plan of action was just about complete.

As he turned to head back into the darkness of the brothel, something caught his eye. He glanced back, as if his eyes were playing tricks on him. After all, there is no way he just saw what he thought he just saw. Slowly, he rotated his body back in the direction of the east end of the yard. Much of the terrain where the little girls were playing was sheeted in lifeless brown grass. Then there were certain parts of the ground encompassing the fence that were simply covered in dirt. Sitting deep in the shadow of the fence, he wonders how he even noticed her. Her skin was a light hazelnut, her tattered brown curls fell well past her shoulders. She was hunched over a bit, sitting in the dirt.

He watched her for a few long moments, as his eyes seemed to struggle to transmit to the proper signals to his brain to process what he was actually seeing. After all, this wasn’t the kind of thing they prepared you for in the force. This wasn’t the kind of thing they prepared you for in parenthood. This was just not something you would ever think you might need to be prepared for. In fact, nothing could prepare you for something of this gravity.

Hunched over, he watched as she leaned forward took up a handful of dirt into her palm. He felt his legs beging to wobble a bit, as he seemed to be losing his balance. He could not take his eyes off of her, though everything in him wanted to. He wished to run…to close his eyes and run away, like this wasn’t happening right before him. And yet, something kept his feet plastered to the ground beneath him. His eyes, wider then they ever have been, continued to watch her with great intent.

She sat back a bit, her bottom gently landing in the little pile of dirt that she rested on. He watched as she took the handful of dirt she had just picked up from the ground and proceeded to dump it right onto the top of her head. He watched her pale face expressionless face as she continued reaching forward and sweeping up large handfuls of dirt into her palms, and then piled it atop her curly locks of hair. It began to sweep down over her eyes, some piling up atop her sharp shoulder blades. Her white tank top was completely dusted in the russet dirt, its red undertones disguising her lighter complexion.

After an hour or so, of just being glued to that spot, one of the girls who had been playing with a ball walked over to the man. She followed his eyes which were still glued to the little girl covering herself in dirt. She tugged on the bottom of his shirt, breaking his trance and getting his attention. He looked down at her, her big brown eyes gazing up at him. Broken from his state of denial, he hesitated before proceeding to ask the childlike teenage girl what exactly that young girl was doing over there by fence.

Having already seen the child of whom he was speaking, the girl refused to unlock her eyes from his. She solemnly replied, looking straight into his eyes. She was taken from her maw when she was five years old. She new here. Last night, madam asked me to take her upstairs and get her ready for her debut. Her whole body, it was shakin as I applied the pink blush and dull lipstick. I tried to tell her she had to stop those tremors or they were gunna beat on her, but she didn’t seem to hear what I told her.
I took hold a her hand and escorted her to the line up. Several of the customers fought to have her. She was new, pure. Her kind was in high demand round here. Madam knew it too. It doesn’t happen this way much, but madam let them all have at her at once. Ten of them maybe. I sat outside the whole time. We could all hear her cries as they slapped her around her, the screams as they each got their go at her. Madam had me drug her up afterwards. She was pretty bloody, pretty darn messed up. I tried to talk to her, to tell her it would be okay. She just kept on staring away, gone to another place it seemed.

I guess she already gone and lost all her hope because now she over there trying to bury herself in that dirt pile. She done can’t handle the pain no more. She tryin to go on disappearing. I guess we all try to. She just out here makin it happen in the physical.

He stood, perfectly still, the tears pouring down his cheeks, as he realized that this one, this precious little girl, did not have enough time for him to do justice. He could not wait a month, a year, for the go ahead to save the hundreds. This ONE would not make it til then. The ONE needed him today, right now. He was overwhelmed by mercy. As he began striding towards her dirt pile in the corner of the yard, he decided that in this moment, right now, SHE mattered more then the hundreds.
Again I ask, do you know the desperation, the burning and gnawing wretchedness that leads one to truly believe that the brightest alternative to this hell on earth, the easiest way to disappear, to escape from it all, is to bury oneself alive…literally?

This precious little girl, made in the image God, birthed into this world with a divine purpose, plan, hope and future, set apart, beautiful in His eyes, is hurting so much that she sits in a pile of dirt, attempting to bury herself in it. This is when mercy for the ONE matters. Her life matters.

"Before I formed yo in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." -Jer. 1:5

Wrestling to the Hope

This week has been full of wrestling for me. Wrestling through midterms and a final. Wrestling through relationships. Wresting through God's timing. Wrestling through making connections and networking with new people for the Campaign. Wrestling through the physical pain from a bad fall I took earlier this week. Wrestling through plans for the summer. Wrestling through finding joy in suffering. Wrestling through my role in God's glory. Wrestling through my role in various commitments and positions in minisry. Wrestling through my brokenness for these girls who are enslaved as I write this. Wrestling through my frustrations with the church. Wrestling through a season of loneliness. Wrestling through what is permissible verses profitable. Wrestling through safegaurds in my life. Wrestling through fruit-bearing admist the pain. Wrestling with valnurability and pride. Wrestling with the unexpecteds of life. Wrestling with my flesh, as always. Wrestling, really just fighting, kicking, crying, boxing, gut-punching it out with the Lord.

Usually when I write, I wrestle through my past hurts and heartaches, lessons and truths, which I have aleady walked through and come out of. To me, the entire purpose of wrestling it out on paper is to end with HOPE. Hope in Jesus. The hope which fuels my faith, the hope that enables me to plow through the muck and mire of life. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Heb. 1:11

Today, I write in the midst of the muck and mire, yet all the while knowing that through it, though the pain and suffering, through the confusion and chaos, through the wrestling match...the HOPE to which I cling breathes LIFE, as everything else seems to drain it out. So here I am, admist the muck and mire, wrestling it out, yet knowing each step of the way, that wrestling match has already been fought and the victory has already been won...that is the HOPE that I have, the assurance of my salvation. I have HOPE in the wrestling because I know who wins. He already WON! When it hurts, when I want to give up, I remember...He already endured the pain, paid the price, made the sacrafice, won the battle, and the victory is WON!

Exodus 14:14 promises, "The Lord will fight for YOU! You need only to be STILL."
Thank you Jesus. I hope in You.

That Call

 A few nights ago, I got THAT call. You know, the one that comes in the middle of the night, the one that is just not quite right. The one that never bears anything but pain. The one that often becomes the exposition of our worst nightmare…come true.

“Courtney, there’s been an accident.” I hear echo through the speaker plastered to my ear.

My mind is automatically jumping from scenario to scenario, worst case of course. Just a fight mechanism, I perceive, to lighten the impact of the words that are inevitably coming. To ensure it doesn’t sound that bad, in comparison at least…

Well, you’re talking to your mom, so at least she is okay. Is it one of the dogs? How bad could it be?

“What happened mom?” I cry, in an utter desperation to numb the nawing churn as my stomach already begins to take its first summersault. Just tell me, I think. Whatever it is, it will be okay. Really, I’ve been waiting for this moment. Just tell me.

“Courtney, this isn’t your mom.” The voice on the other end strikes back. My heart slips into my chest, quickly, painlessly. Then the utter helplessness invades. The urgency of knowing in conflict with the dread of how that knowledge would turn my world up-side-down.

When my phone rang at 11:30pm, I thought it was a little weird my mom was calling so late. After all, marriage had greatly tamed her previously outlandish lifestyle. Usually she was safely tucked into her bed by promptly 10pm.

Despite the odd timing, when my phone read, incoming call from mom, I never expected it to be anyone but her. I mean, she was always there, always that loud, beautiful, nagging voice on the other end.

“Courtney, this is Missy, your mom’s friend from work.” Since when does she work with someone named Missy? No, I rationalize in my head. I don’t know you. I have never heard your name. You don’t know anything about my mom. Who do you think you are? My inability to see, to control, to know feeds the desperation, the anger, the panic.


“Courtney, your mom has been in a car accident.” My heart drops into my chest. The churning in my stomach speeds up four times over. My mind floods with thoughts, images, questions, pleas. But nothing. Nothing comes out of my mouth.

I try again, but the words forgot how to form. My voice, suddenly lost. I take a few steps forward, leaning some of my weight on the dresser, unsure of how to brace myself for what is to come.

I listen to the frantic voice on the other end, but I don’t hear many of the words spoken to me. At some point, I collapse in a chair at the dining table. My body sinks into it. My mind needed all of its capacity simply to process the single most painful sentence uttered to my ears. Oh how it pierced my ear drums.

“Courtney, your mom was in a car accident.” It plays over and over and over again with gnawing agony. As if someone pressed the replay button in my head. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to disintegrate into this plump red cushion which lends support to my limp flesh. I want to stand, but I cannot. I feel like jelly. Get me away from this feeling! I scream inside. Make it stop. Oh please, Lord, make it stop.

The pleas and promises and negotiations begin.


This feeling of everything being completely out of my control resonates deeper by the second. How could everything I thought I once knew certain, suddenly become so uncertain? How quickly life could shatter before my very eyes. How everything could change in the single second it took me to take a breath in and exhale out. The preciousness of a life.

But then, much like a movie, before the words even became utterable, before the pain seared through to touch the core, I see some words. Like a screen, right in front of me. And across it flow steadily some words. And yet, these are not just any words.

These words have been engraved upon my heart, etched into the corners and crevasses of who I am. The Words of Jesus. I see them play before me on this movie screen, streaming past letter by letter, slowly making a sentence, then another, and another.

“LORD, first let me go and bury my father.”
Jesus: “Let the dead bury their own dead, but YOU go and proclaim the Kingdom of God.”
“I will follow you LORD, but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”
Jesus: “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the Kingdom of God.” -Luke 9:57-62

As I simmer in the unfathomable panic and invasive pain, I wonder…Is Jesus really enough?

Have I truly counted the cost?

Do I understand what these words mean?

Do I believe it enough to live it out?

In this dark moment of my life, will my life measure up to the call of the Gospel of Jesus Christ?

My mom was pretty beat up from the accident but is now safe and sound, resting at home. She is still in some pain from the injuries to her chest, leg, and face but praise God it was not worse. I write this more so to share the painful battle of coming to that point of total surrender to Christ. I needed this time to really wrestle it out in my thoughts…to confess before my readers and my Father that HE REALLY IS ENOUGH FOR ME. To challenge and encourage, to question and provoke the reality each of us is faced with in coming to terms with what we truly believe and how that is displayed in our lives. I don’t have all the answers…I’m on this journey too, just wrestling through it. My heart is overflowing with love for the only One who gives me life, abundant life.