Three years ago, I made the decision to make Jesus the Lord of my life. I can remember standing in the coffee aisle at Dierburgs with Ash like it was yesterday. That moment was the beginning of a journey. A journey that doesn’t end, praise the Lord, until I get to see Him face to face. The past three years have been so far from my wildest imagination. The pain. The victories. The hurts. The hope. And yet, the promises of His Word, the moments spent in His presence…it’s enough to make it until He comes back. He has always been faithful.
Someday I hope to get to share in depth of where I have walked with Jesus and what the last three years have looked like for the two of us. One day, I will share about some moments in the depths of the blackest pit and the journey of Him pulling me into the light. I pray that when that day comes, oh how gloriously His name will be lifted on High through sharing His encompassing hand of faithfulness in my life.
But for now, I do want to share some of the hope which has carried me through some of the darkest weeks of my life, about a year ago. I have clung to these Truths over and over and over again in the past year of loving Jesus. And today, well, on this day, this one promise that has carried me through seems to have a particularly significant and overwhelming PROMISE for my life.
Let’s first look at John 15:1-8:
The Vine and the Branches
1 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
Last year, around this time, Ash had me listen to this sermon on this passage. Over the past year, I have come to cling to the Truths I learned from it. I learned that there are two groups of branches in this passage…branches that bear fruit (Christians) and branches that don’t bear fruit (?). The branches that don’t bear fruit can be referred to as Judas branches because Judas willingly walked away from Jesus.
See, at this point in my life, there was little to no fruit in my life. There was a lot of pain, a lot of suffering, a lot of trouble and affliction. There were days when I didn’t function, quite honestly, days when making it out of bed just wasn’t going to happen. I was broken and hurting. Mostly, I was confused. At this point, I had been in love with Jesus for several years. I had been healed of many issues from my past. I was a graduate of Mercy Ministries! And yet, there was so little fruit in my life. I was continually told that as a Christian, I should see fruit. But I didn’t. This caused a season of doubt…was I really a believer? Could I lose my salvation? Why wasn’t there fruit in my life? Was it ever going to change? Would my life ever reflect the love for Jesus I knew I had in my heart? There was so little peace. Mostly, a whole lot of pain. Sometimes, it just blinded me quite honestly. I feel like I walked though most of this season literally squinting the whole time because the pain was just unbearable most days. But the Truth of this sermon gave me hope for what was coming…
Much of this parable is taken into the context of real life, modern day farming and plant care. In real life, the role of the farmer greatly parallels the role of the heavenly Father in our lives.
The farmer must do 2 things:
1.) cut off the branches that bear no fruit, otherwise they will suck the energy and nutrients away from the good ones
2.) prune the fruit-bearing branches constantly so they could bear more fruit
The Father must do 2 things:
1.) take away the branch with no fruit
• He just cuts it off…doesn’t try to fix it…He burns it!
• Judas type is cut off and cast aside…1st duty of the Father.
2.) purge the good branches with fruit
• to cleanse, prune
• must be tended to carefully…drastic pruning necessary
• must get rid of the shouts
How does the Farmer Prune?
1. Pinching- removes only the end
2. Topping- removes the first 1-2 feet of large branches so they don’t get too large
3. Thinning- removes clusters so nothing is lost
How does the Father Prune?
He prunes with the knife…the Word of God.
1. affliction- the handle where God gets the grip
2. trouble- the point of penetrating the wood
3. suffering- the chopping away, the grueling pain
At this point, we tend to ask, God, do you really know what you are doing? It just HURTS SO MUCH!
But we must remember, as the shouts grow, the Gardner must prune and purge what drains away life.
We must also know that He is helping us to bear more fruit in the long-run! He is IN THIS…He is good.
The Pruning Process must become a joy because we must see past the clipping…this process will come to an end eventually. WHEN?? I can remember crying out to God asking Him often, Lord when will it be enough? When will you leave me alone? When will the pain even stop?
This is the most beautiful Truth I have learned in much of my walk with Christ. It is commonly a well-known fact to farmers that when one is growing a tree or plant, you CANNOT ALLOW the tree to bear fruit for THREE YEARS. Even when it looks like it wants to bear fruit, the farmer must prune it, cutting it back enough so that after THREE YEARS, it will be able to produce crazy fruit for years to come.
By removing ALL things that will hinder our fruit-bear capacity, we will bear abundantly more fruit later. Specifically, THREE YEARS later. I don’t claim to know the biblical breakdown of this idea, but I just know that in my own life, this concept of three years has been a promise I have clung to time and time again. Now, has there been fruit in my life? YES! Of course there has been much fruit in my life as a believer and I definitely am not implying that we, as believers, cannot bear fruit until three years after coming to know Christ. I am just sharing a promise that gave me hope when I didn’t see the fruit.
Just in reflecting on the fruit I have seen over the past few years, I am excited that if that was only the fruit I saw in the MIDST of the pain, the midst of the pruning, in the midst of the purging away, then HOW MUCH MORE fruit is coming?!? Yesterday, February 26th, 2011 marked THREE YEARS since I have come to know Christ.
A few nights ago, I was just reading and came across this parable in Luke 13:
6 Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it but did not find any. 7 So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’
8 “‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. 9 If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’”
How crazy is this!!! It was just like the Lord was so graciously confirming to me His promise that I had clung to all this time. Up to this point, I was literally clinging to a fact of farming. But now, I can cling to this promise of entering into a new season of INSANE fruit-bearing from the Word of God! What a promise. What faithful Father.
Prune and Purge it all Lord. I will give up everything for you. Even in the depths of my pain, in the deepest of suffering, in the ceaseless trials. I want YOU. At the end of the day, I want them to recognize me by my fruit as Jesus talks about in Matthew 7:16.
“This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” -John 15:8
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The Plight of the Orphan
Davis continues to talk about the ability we must have to GO THERE. What does this mean? Well, when we put on a mask in exchange for heart wrenching vulnerability, we limit the ability that can possibly possess to go with that child to THAT PLACE. Without vulnerability, we cannot understand compassion. Compassion means “to suffer with.” We cannot posses such an ability apart from vulnerability. And we, as believers, have a calling to GO THERE. To come alongside that child and meet them in that place of darkness. To venture into the gut-wrenching pain with them. To wrestle through it next to them. To express that righteous anger as they do. To grieve with them. To point them to forgiveness, as Christ forgave us. When we mourn with those who mourn, we are brought to LIFE. Jesus was deeply moved with compassion…He was deeply moved TO SUFFER WITH in Mark 1.
It takes this kind of vulnerability to pursue a lifestyle of welcoming the orphan, the poor, the broken, the needy, the wounded into our homes, Davis explained. John 10:10 talks about the war between satan and Jesus…we already know who won! Praise God. And yet, that is US. WE are the REDEEMED. We are the unworthy ones who received the gift of everlasting LIFE, that we may live abundantly! WE are the hope to guide these children into LIFE with JESUS, as He has so graciously lavished such love upon us, sinners.
Our response to the plight of the orphan is not a decision we must make, simply a response to a need, to a calling. Not one believer is exempt from this calling. When there is a need, we are called to fill it. Now, that may look different for every person and God will use each of us in differing, yet fully encompassing ways. There are 150 million needs…the response is simply the calling.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Completely Wrecked
This weekend the Lord began a very painful and heart-wrenching experience of showing me my vast ignorance to the plight of the orphan, how incredibly blind I have been. How overwhelmingly naïve I am. He has truly just wrecked me in the most uncomfortable way.
Over the next days, weeks and months, I will begin to wrestle with some of these battles in my mind and truths I would much rather continue to ignore. In the plight of the orphan, ignorance is NOT bliss. It is, however, deadly.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The Idea Camp
I am sitting here working on a new blog (coming soon!) specifically devoted to human sex trafficking and this new campaign I am just beginning. But I thought that I would take a minute to share about The Idea Camp. Tomorrow and Saturday I am so incredibly blessed to get to attend this conference devoted to fightng for the orphans of this world. This includes orphans who need to be adopted, orphans who are trafficked, orphans who need our help! This is an incredible oppurtunity for me to hear from and network with people who have had a vision to do SOMETHING and actually seen it come to pass! Many well-known and highly accredited men and women are coming from around the country to pour wisdom and experience into lives of people broken-hearted and ready to see SOMETHING done for the plight of the fatherless,but really not knowing where or how to begin..
It is completely in God's beautiful sovereignty that He has provided this oppurtunity for me to be apart of this conference so I have no doubt that He is going to teach me and break me and give me eyes to see and ears to hear and allow me to make some connections and gain so much wisdom! I am already preparing to stand in awe of his faithful army of believers who are prepaing to gather this weekend and see to it that His name is proclaimed and that practical help and freedom from chains of enslavement are provided to these orphans.
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." -James 1:27
Check out this video:
ICDC Behind the Scenes from The Idea Camp on Vimeo.
It is completely in God's beautiful sovereignty that He has provided this oppurtunity for me to be apart of this conference so I have no doubt that He is going to teach me and break me and give me eyes to see and ears to hear and allow me to make some connections and gain so much wisdom! I am already preparing to stand in awe of his faithful army of believers who are prepaing to gather this weekend and see to it that His name is proclaimed and that practical help and freedom from chains of enslavement are provided to these orphans.
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." -James 1:27
Check out this video:
ICDC Behind the Scenes from The Idea Camp on Vimeo.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
In the Begining (Part 2)
...in continuation of my previous blog, I first just want to acknowledge how incredibly faithful He is. Lord, you are worhty of ALL of our affections and your word really is LIFE. It breathes LIFE into me. I just cannot imagine having to go through all of the chaos, hurts, heartaches, and unexpecteds of life without something unchanging and LIFE-breathing. Thank you Jesus for your Living Word of LIFE!
Okay, so going back several weeks, Terri and I continued talking and praying. The Lord made it overwhleming evident to me that sitting around, feeling restless, and doing nothing was no longer an option. I knew too much. I felt too much. Looking back on it now, I think that I knew from the day I got that very first email from Terri, that God was preparing me for a new season of life.
Terri propsed a campaign since comes back to the States, to raise $100,000 to build a new Safe Home in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia as soon as the money is raised, so that these girls can get out of thier enslavement and into a safe place where they will be trained in a trade and encouraged by believers equip to help them work through the horrors of thier past. $100,000 is a big number. Praise the Lord we serve a BIG God who is breaking hearts world-wide for the plight of these broken and hurting young women.
Just over a week ago, I gratefully accepted Terri's proposal to come on as an intern for Faith that Works here in Fayetteville, AR. I am so excited to watch as God makes a way for this money to get raised and for other people to come on board. I have been hard at work, developing my own fundraising goals and plans, which will all go twords the total goal of money to be raised to build this home.
After praying through many different ideas and doubts and thoughts, the Lord really just gave me a beautiful vision for what this fundraising campaign should look like here in Fayettville. I have set a goal of raising $10,000. After some conference calls and skype dates and with a lot of support from the team in St. Louis, things are moving along.
At first, I really hesitated in deciding whether or not I was at a point in my life where I could really commit to taking something like this on. Not only time wise, but more so knowing myself and my connections to Fayetteville at this point (or lack there of) and my overwhleming lack of boldness in most situations, I honestly didn't know if this was something I felt eqipt to do or not. As I spent many nights on my knees crying out to Him for direction and wisdom in making this decision, I realized that this really wasn't even my decision. See, the only things holding me back were my selfishness. Being pushed to do things that I normally wouldn't do, to talk to people I normally wouldn't approach, to ask for money from people I didn't know, to form a team when I had not one person committed...to raise $10,000 when I really had no idea where to even begin. I was scared. Daily, I felt all of my insecurities rising up and bubbling over. I heard lie after lie echoing through my mind about how there is now way a twenty-year old college student with no clue where to even begin, no connections established, and a whole lot of fear and insecurities could ever be capable of doing something like this. Believe it or not, I actually had several people tell me that I might not be ready to take this on, that I should just wait until graduation. It seemed that everything I most feared would have to be faced in order to fulfill such a commitment...even my overwhleming people-pleasing tendencies.
But then I see their faces. All the time. The words of thier stories echo through my mind, on a continual stream that cycles over and over again. I find myself rehearsing the statistics in my head, in the off chance that I may get to share them with someone. Night after night, my assignments remain piled on my desk, untouched, as I devote hours to reading book after book about modern day slavey, allowing the stories, the darkness, the redemption to etch itself into the depths of my heart. I surf the web, in pursuit of news updates, learnign about hundreds of different non-profits and ministries attempts at fighting this injustice, taking notes, writing down names. Anyone who so much as gives me the time of day, instantly becomes a victim of my desperate attempt at bringing awareness to the victims of trafficking, this unending drive within me seems to never shut down. And in those moments, you know the ones when your flesh is screaming to do the one thing that you know won't glorify Him in any way, the continual all out war we are in on a daily basis, the fight for LIFE over death in those little tests of our faith...it is in those moments, that I find myself fighting to choose LIFE because if I what I say I believe is really true, then in these moments of overwhleming temptation, the ones in which I desire to return to the yoke by which I was once enslaved, if I say that what I believe is really true, then it is such moments that determine whether or not I actually believe what I say I believe is true. And it HAS GOT to be more true in those moments then any other time, because if in those moments of my weakness and battles, I cannot experience victory in the Truth, then how in the world will I ever be able to sit down with a girl who has literally lived through a hell unlike anything my mind can comprehend, to sit there and tell her that this Word, this Truth is trustworthy for her to base her life off of, and if she believes it, then she will experience LIFE and hope and worth and purpose and love. But if I can't trust it in those moments, how will I ever be able to tell her she can trust it to redeem her life from the pit and breathe LIFE into her? Even in the heat of the battle, in this crazy random way, they are spurring me along. Girls around the nation, the world, girls in Addis Ababa, girls broken and hopeless, DEAD, girls I have never met. Yet never leave my thoughts. Continually spur my actions. It seems that these girls and thier cries to be st free from thier enslavement have literally seaped into every possible crevis of my heart, my mind, and my life. Like I said, it seems this decision was never really up to me. I think He decided seven months ago, that very first night He began to break my heart for these girls.
So here I am, an intern for FTW, in the beginning stages of this campaign to raise $10,000 to go twords the larger goal of $100,000.
Overwhlemed. Excited. Scared. Passionate. Blown away by Him already!
If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he too will cry out and be answered. -Prov. 21:13
In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:33
Okay, so going back several weeks, Terri and I continued talking and praying. The Lord made it overwhleming evident to me that sitting around, feeling restless, and doing nothing was no longer an option. I knew too much. I felt too much. Looking back on it now, I think that I knew from the day I got that very first email from Terri, that God was preparing me for a new season of life.
Terri propsed a campaign since comes back to the States, to raise $100,000 to build a new Safe Home in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia as soon as the money is raised, so that these girls can get out of thier enslavement and into a safe place where they will be trained in a trade and encouraged by believers equip to help them work through the horrors of thier past. $100,000 is a big number. Praise the Lord we serve a BIG God who is breaking hearts world-wide for the plight of these broken and hurting young women.
Just over a week ago, I gratefully accepted Terri's proposal to come on as an intern for Faith that Works here in Fayetteville, AR. I am so excited to watch as God makes a way for this money to get raised and for other people to come on board. I have been hard at work, developing my own fundraising goals and plans, which will all go twords the total goal of money to be raised to build this home.
After praying through many different ideas and doubts and thoughts, the Lord really just gave me a beautiful vision for what this fundraising campaign should look like here in Fayettville. I have set a goal of raising $10,000. After some conference calls and skype dates and with a lot of support from the team in St. Louis, things are moving along.
At first, I really hesitated in deciding whether or not I was at a point in my life where I could really commit to taking something like this on. Not only time wise, but more so knowing myself and my connections to Fayetteville at this point (or lack there of) and my overwhleming lack of boldness in most situations, I honestly didn't know if this was something I felt eqipt to do or not. As I spent many nights on my knees crying out to Him for direction and wisdom in making this decision, I realized that this really wasn't even my decision. See, the only things holding me back were my selfishness. Being pushed to do things that I normally wouldn't do, to talk to people I normally wouldn't approach, to ask for money from people I didn't know, to form a team when I had not one person committed...to raise $10,000 when I really had no idea where to even begin. I was scared. Daily, I felt all of my insecurities rising up and bubbling over. I heard lie after lie echoing through my mind about how there is now way a twenty-year old college student with no clue where to even begin, no connections established, and a whole lot of fear and insecurities could ever be capable of doing something like this. Believe it or not, I actually had several people tell me that I might not be ready to take this on, that I should just wait until graduation. It seemed that everything I most feared would have to be faced in order to fulfill such a commitment...even my overwhleming people-pleasing tendencies.
But then I see their faces. All the time. The words of thier stories echo through my mind, on a continual stream that cycles over and over again. I find myself rehearsing the statistics in my head, in the off chance that I may get to share them with someone. Night after night, my assignments remain piled on my desk, untouched, as I devote hours to reading book after book about modern day slavey, allowing the stories, the darkness, the redemption to etch itself into the depths of my heart. I surf the web, in pursuit of news updates, learnign about hundreds of different non-profits and ministries attempts at fighting this injustice, taking notes, writing down names. Anyone who so much as gives me the time of day, instantly becomes a victim of my desperate attempt at bringing awareness to the victims of trafficking, this unending drive within me seems to never shut down. And in those moments, you know the ones when your flesh is screaming to do the one thing that you know won't glorify Him in any way, the continual all out war we are in on a daily basis, the fight for LIFE over death in those little tests of our faith...it is in those moments, that I find myself fighting to choose LIFE because if I what I say I believe is really true, then in these moments of overwhleming temptation, the ones in which I desire to return to the yoke by which I was once enslaved, if I say that what I believe is really true, then it is such moments that determine whether or not I actually believe what I say I believe is true. And it HAS GOT to be more true in those moments then any other time, because if in those moments of my weakness and battles, I cannot experience victory in the Truth, then how in the world will I ever be able to sit down with a girl who has literally lived through a hell unlike anything my mind can comprehend, to sit there and tell her that this Word, this Truth is trustworthy for her to base her life off of, and if she believes it, then she will experience LIFE and hope and worth and purpose and love. But if I can't trust it in those moments, how will I ever be able to tell her she can trust it to redeem her life from the pit and breathe LIFE into her? Even in the heat of the battle, in this crazy random way, they are spurring me along. Girls around the nation, the world, girls in Addis Ababa, girls broken and hopeless, DEAD, girls I have never met. Yet never leave my thoughts. Continually spur my actions. It seems that these girls and thier cries to be st free from thier enslavement have literally seaped into every possible crevis of my heart, my mind, and my life. Like I said, it seems this decision was never really up to me. I think He decided seven months ago, that very first night He began to break my heart for these girls.
So here I am, an intern for FTW, in the beginning stages of this campaign to raise $10,000 to go twords the larger goal of $100,000.
Overwhlemed. Excited. Scared. Passionate. Blown away by Him already!
If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he too will cry out and be answered. -Prov. 21:13
In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:33
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
In the Begining
Lord, you simply blow my mind. I don’t know how else to put it. The past four days, I haven’t made it through much more then an hour without falling to my knees in tears, completely humbled and in awe of Your faithfulness. Heavenly Father, I am so unworthy. SO unworthy. And yet, you love me. You see me. You hear me. You KNOW me…intimately. Your know my heart. You gave me eyes to see…to see this injustice. As broken as my heart is for these girls, I cannot imagine what you are experiencing as you watch ALL of it. I am overwhelmed by thought of one young woman enduring this hell on earth and yet every second you must watch over 1.2 million girls in 137 countries being beaten, burned, caged, drugged, stolen, starved, enslaved, raped, tormented, and tortured over and over and over. I can’t go there. My brain literally cannot go there.
About seven months ago, God began breaking my heart for the girls enslaved by human trafficking. I didn’t know what it meant at the time really. I mean, here I am, a twenty year old college student who changes her major everyday (okay every other day), doesn’t know how to balance a check book, lives dollar to dollar most weeks, buys that dress she can’t afford, skips that class that bores her, wonders how far the car will make it after the gas meter reaches the red zone because stopping to fill up is too time-consuming, can’t seem to figure out why the chicken always burns in the pan (no matter how many different ways I’ve tried to make it), has yet to master the skill of moving the clean laundry from the pile on the floor to the hangers (that is before there is no longer a difference between the clean and dirty piles that cover the carpet), and may never get over that kid in 5th grade who called me fat. Yet here I am. Here is all of me…the messy, insecure, prideful, impractical, foolish, selfish, needy, whiny, and indecisive me…just an emotional dreamer, usually in need of quite the reality check. I guess that’s why my two best friends are the most practical and grounded people I have ever met. Thank you Lord, what a gift! (or some form of insurance.) Okay so here I am…here I am. Waiting. Praying. Sitting. Dreaming. Crying. Waiting some more.
RESTLESS.
Lord, I want to do something, but you know all of the above…what the heck could I do that would be of any use? I’m just a girl. In college. Broke. Barely know anyone. Why in the world are you doing this to me? Breaking my heart for something at a time in my life when clearly, there is nothing I can do about it.
RESTLESS.
After about six months of cycling through these thoughts and moans, God revealed a tiny little speck of His plan for my life--- the call I believe He has placed on me to serve these enslaved women for years to come. A lifelong vision, if you will.
I knew that a group of women from the body of believers I am surrounded by in St. Louis had just recently been awakened to the cries of these precious girls as well. Over the past couple years, a ministry called Faith that Works has been helping women to put their faith into action. In fact, many of these women have played an intimate role in my life and encouraged me in so many ways. Actually, FTW paid much of my way to Australia this past summer on my first mission trip. They have given to and served Mercy Ministries, both residents in the home and graduates in the life after Mercy, so faithfully.
They also came alongside a non-profit called International Crisis Aid (ICA). ICA does a lot of work with orphans, feeding programs, and human trafficking both in the states and around the world. At the beginning of this year, this group of women traveled to the red light district of Addis Ababa, Ethiopia to visit the safe home for girls rescued out of trafficking which they had been supporting for awhile and also to go visit girls who were still in the district. Upon returning home to the States, Terri Stipanovich, the founder and visionary of FTW wrote a heart-wrenching blog about a young girl they met in the red light district who so desperately wanted to get out. She had a baby girl who she slid underneath her bed every time she had to serve a client in her little shanty, the size of my closet. Terri explained how her heart was broken and she felt helpless. They had to tell her that they could not rescue her that day because there was no where to put her; the safe home was already full. They promised to come back for her.
After reading this, something about it stuck a chord deep inside me. Yes, I had definitely been shaken by these stories before. But this was real…I mean I know these women…the knowledge of the hell the girls there are living in became something I felt accountable to for the first time. That by sitting here and feeling broken for them, but doing nothing about it, I was actually harming them…by staying quiet about this injustice, I was just as guilty as the man forcing himself upon that young mother.
I emailed Terri the next day and just told her that I was behind them in this cause and praying for them in whatever the Lord led them to do. I poured out some of my heart as well and just how the Lord had been breaking my heart for trafficking.
She responded the following day and told me that she had been praying for a young person to come along with a sincere desire to do something about trafficking. She gently explained to me that often she has found young people with a whole lot of dreams and whole lack of follow through. Young people who want to make a difference and do something, but easily sway from this once passionate commitment to bring change. Anyhow, we went back and forth a bit more and chatted on the phone.
The rest was simply the sovereign hand of our faithful Lord whose perfect plans and timing will never cease in stunning me…
(to be continued)
About seven months ago, God began breaking my heart for the girls enslaved by human trafficking. I didn’t know what it meant at the time really. I mean, here I am, a twenty year old college student who changes her major everyday (okay every other day), doesn’t know how to balance a check book, lives dollar to dollar most weeks, buys that dress she can’t afford, skips that class that bores her, wonders how far the car will make it after the gas meter reaches the red zone because stopping to fill up is too time-consuming, can’t seem to figure out why the chicken always burns in the pan (no matter how many different ways I’ve tried to make it), has yet to master the skill of moving the clean laundry from the pile on the floor to the hangers (that is before there is no longer a difference between the clean and dirty piles that cover the carpet), and may never get over that kid in 5th grade who called me fat. Yet here I am. Here is all of me…the messy, insecure, prideful, impractical, foolish, selfish, needy, whiny, and indecisive me…just an emotional dreamer, usually in need of quite the reality check. I guess that’s why my two best friends are the most practical and grounded people I have ever met. Thank you Lord, what a gift! (or some form of insurance.) Okay so here I am…here I am. Waiting. Praying. Sitting. Dreaming. Crying. Waiting some more.
RESTLESS.
Lord, I want to do something, but you know all of the above…what the heck could I do that would be of any use? I’m just a girl. In college. Broke. Barely know anyone. Why in the world are you doing this to me? Breaking my heart for something at a time in my life when clearly, there is nothing I can do about it.
RESTLESS.
After about six months of cycling through these thoughts and moans, God revealed a tiny little speck of His plan for my life--- the call I believe He has placed on me to serve these enslaved women for years to come. A lifelong vision, if you will.
I knew that a group of women from the body of believers I am surrounded by in St. Louis had just recently been awakened to the cries of these precious girls as well. Over the past couple years, a ministry called Faith that Works has been helping women to put their faith into action. In fact, many of these women have played an intimate role in my life and encouraged me in so many ways. Actually, FTW paid much of my way to Australia this past summer on my first mission trip. They have given to and served Mercy Ministries, both residents in the home and graduates in the life after Mercy, so faithfully.
They also came alongside a non-profit called International Crisis Aid (ICA). ICA does a lot of work with orphans, feeding programs, and human trafficking both in the states and around the world. At the beginning of this year, this group of women traveled to the red light district of Addis Ababa, Ethiopia to visit the safe home for girls rescued out of trafficking which they had been supporting for awhile and also to go visit girls who were still in the district. Upon returning home to the States, Terri Stipanovich, the founder and visionary of FTW wrote a heart-wrenching blog about a young girl they met in the red light district who so desperately wanted to get out. She had a baby girl who she slid underneath her bed every time she had to serve a client in her little shanty, the size of my closet. Terri explained how her heart was broken and she felt helpless. They had to tell her that they could not rescue her that day because there was no where to put her; the safe home was already full. They promised to come back for her.
After reading this, something about it stuck a chord deep inside me. Yes, I had definitely been shaken by these stories before. But this was real…I mean I know these women…the knowledge of the hell the girls there are living in became something I felt accountable to for the first time. That by sitting here and feeling broken for them, but doing nothing about it, I was actually harming them…by staying quiet about this injustice, I was just as guilty as the man forcing himself upon that young mother.
I emailed Terri the next day and just told her that I was behind them in this cause and praying for them in whatever the Lord led them to do. I poured out some of my heart as well and just how the Lord had been breaking my heart for trafficking.
She responded the following day and told me that she had been praying for a young person to come along with a sincere desire to do something about trafficking. She gently explained to me that often she has found young people with a whole lot of dreams and whole lack of follow through. Young people who want to make a difference and do something, but easily sway from this once passionate commitment to bring change. Anyhow, we went back and forth a bit more and chatted on the phone.
The rest was simply the sovereign hand of our faithful Lord whose perfect plans and timing will never cease in stunning me…
(to be continued)
Two Years Ago Today...
Febuary 16th, 2009.
Hard to believe it has been two years.
Honestly, I feel like this past year has flown by! Just a year ago I was sitting in the breathtaking snow-covered mountains of Blacksburg, VA with my bestest friend reflecting on God's unfathomable faithfulness and welcoming in a new and unknown season of life. I was excited by the thought that maybe, just maybe, a year into the future, I would not find myself in St. Louis, MO. Oh I heard His voice so clearly that weekend, I will never, ever forget. It was unlike anything that had ever happened to me before. That was the first time that scripture came alive in the palms of my hands. And the precious words He spoke to me that weekend, the peace He provided in my little sabatical in the mountains with Les have certainly come to pass, maybe not how I expected. Definately NOT how I expected. And yet, whose ways are higher? Oh yeah...HIS! A year later here I am, living in an apratment with three girls I had never met before August, going to school to become a dietician (of all things!) in random middle of no where Fayetteville, AR. Wow. And I LOVE it. Honestly, I cannot help but tear up as I am reminded of His unceasing and PERFECT plans for MY life. And that is just one year in review. ONE year.
Two years ago, was a day that changed the course of my life forever. Two years ago today, I walked into the doors of Mercy Ministries broken, hopeless, and dying. I can remember it like it was yesterday, honestly. I remember the whole weekend before leaving, hanging out with friends, Les throwing a surprise "see ya later" party that I showed up for hours late because I thought it was just the two of us hanging out. I remember going to one of Clayton Jones's very first concerts at the Doxa followed by a night of hanging out at ZOE. Then my last night before leaving was spent sleeping one the floor of the ZOE house snuggled between Les and Ash at the middle school girls lock in. Oh and I cannot forget the best part--asking Ash to spoon with me in the middle of a movie and watching in great enjoyment as she picked up her entire sleeping bag and moved several feet away from me. Oh man I could not stop laughing...a distraction to the younger girls, as usual. What can I say? They needed all they could get...I wouldn't be around for awhile! At some point, we all fell asleep.
Waking up the next morning, I remember it setting in for the first time that I was really leaving today. I mean, hundreds of people had been praying for this for months, years even, and now here it was finally happening...why did I feel so nautious? I remember turning to Lesley as we layed there in the early morning, telling her how surreal this felt and how I don't know if I can realy go through with it. Unfortuantely, my comment was not followed by that comforting little smile of hers that told me it would all be okay. She just sat up a bit and told me I was going no matter how I felt. Oh Les. Always knows me better then I know me. Anyhow, Les and Ash actually took the middle school girls to serve at Mercy that morning.
I headed home to pack my life away. The only thing I remember about that day is going to say "See ya later" to Shelly and the kiddos. I played with the girls a little bit and Shelly and I sat around chatting. She gently encouraged me and reminded me that it really wasn't that long...promising me that nothing much would change around here. And of course, she was right. I remember holding Canon and wondering if I would even recgonize that sweet little guy next time I saw him. He was such a little guy.
Then Ashley and Les came over to my house. I had to say my last goodbye to Les. I remember wanting to throw up I felt so nervous. They helped me pack my last minute things. At some point, I know Julie got there. My three best friends by my side. What a beautiful picture of His love for me, as they had walked through years of this journey, day in and day out. Now they got to push me...pull me really...to the "last step" so to speak. I remember just hounding them with questions about the girls they had just met at the house. They told me who was sweet and who to watch out for. This freaked me out completely. The funny thing is, one girl who they said to watch out for, ended up being one of the sweetest girls in the house! Said goodbye to Les. Didn't feel real yet. Ash drove Julie and I to Mercy and my mom met us there.
Pulling up, Ash was praying hardcore. The Lord knew I would need that to get through that day and the ones to come. We walked in and had to wait in the lobby awhile. Ash and Julie on each side of me on the couch, my mom in a chair across the way. Eventually the house director called us back and we sat in her office, my heart racing as her words glazed over my very busy head of thoughts. All too soon, it came to that dreaded time. Saying goodbye.They let me walk outside with my mom, Ash and Julie to engage in the dreaded act. I knew I would see them again. I knew this was the very place I needed to be. I mean, I had been PRAYING for this for YEARS! And now, here I was having to say goodbye and suddenly reality set in. Mom was first. We hugged. Weird. I can't remember the last time that had happened. She whispered in my ear that she loved me. That she would miss me. When she finally relseased me from the headlock she had me in, her usually hard face had melted in warm tears. Of course, I started to cry too. Without so much as a glance in the eye, she turned and headed to the car. I stood there. Really dreading this part. Julie was next. We hugged and she told me it was okay...it was not even goodbye...just "see ya later!" She gently reminded me how long I had wanted this and how hard we ALL worked to get me here. She TOLD me that I wasn't giving up now. A
final hug and Ash came over. All I could do was bury my face in her sweatshirt and weap. I changed my mind...I dont want to do this. It is too hard. Take me home...I will do better, I promise. She pulled away so she could look me in the eyes. She waited, patiently as always, for me to connect with her gaze. When I finally lifted my head she told me that I was going to be fine. That I had to tough it out now...this was going to be the hard part. Loving wounded? Perhaps. Well...defainately. In a moment when all I wanted was someone to tell me that I was right, it was too hard...I should go home and try again, I got "Toughen up!" She did hug me some more and prayed one last time. She told 
me to go fall in love with Jesus because He was all I needed. I stood as they walked back to the car. I pictured how they would drive down the hill of death, back out onto the hgihway, and go back home. Back to eating what they wanted, sleeping when they wanted, talking on thier cell phone when they wanted, going to the store when they wanted, hanging out with friends, going to bible study, planning events at ZOE, traveling, learning, just doing life, free as a bird. That's when I lost it. That night they would be at bible study like everything was normal, while I would be in this prision, alone and miserable. At some point, I turned my weighty feet and forced them to walk the wrong direction. As they approached the door of doom, I knew there would be no turning back now. I was stuck. Unless I made a run for it now...hmmmm. I did give it a thought once or twice in the week to follow.
Let's just say that He does exceedingly, abundantly above anything we could ever ask or imagine....yes even with that girl, the one I was two years ago today. Praise JESUS. Apart from Him, that is me. Apart from Him, my life no longer has purpose.
Thank you to those faithful ones who stuck it out with me through years of deep hurt and heartache and got me to this day...the day two years ago that I finally walked through those doors. To my prayer warriors, to my encouragers, to my discipliners, to my sisters, to my friends, to my brothers, my parents, my spiritual families...words could never express my gratitude to the army it took to get me to this day, keep me inside those doors, then walk with me after I was finally ready to come out! He is faithful. Thank you.
Hard to believe it has been two years.
Honestly, I feel like this past year has flown by! Just a year ago I was sitting in the breathtaking snow-covered mountains of Blacksburg, VA with my bestest friend reflecting on God's unfathomable faithfulness and welcoming in a new and unknown season of life. I was excited by the thought that maybe, just maybe, a year into the future, I would not find myself in St. Louis, MO. Oh I heard His voice so clearly that weekend, I will never, ever forget. It was unlike anything that had ever happened to me before. That was the first time that scripture came alive in the palms of my hands. And the precious words He spoke to me that weekend, the peace He provided in my little sabatical in the mountains with Les have certainly come to pass, maybe not how I expected. Definately NOT how I expected. And yet, whose ways are higher? Oh yeah...HIS! A year later here I am, living in an apratment with three girls I had never met before August, going to school to become a dietician (of all things!) in random middle of no where Fayetteville, AR. Wow. And I LOVE it. Honestly, I cannot help but tear up as I am reminded of His unceasing and PERFECT plans for MY life. And that is just one year in review. ONE year.
Two years ago, was a day that changed the course of my life forever. Two years ago today, I walked into the doors of Mercy Ministries broken, hopeless, and dying. I can remember it like it was yesterday, honestly. I remember the whole weekend before leaving, hanging out with friends, Les throwing a surprise "see ya later" party that I showed up for hours late because I thought it was just the two of us hanging out. I remember going to one of Clayton Jones's very first concerts at the Doxa followed by a night of hanging out at ZOE. Then my last night before leaving was spent sleeping one the floor of the ZOE house snuggled between Les and Ash at the middle school girls lock in. Oh and I cannot forget the best part--asking Ash to spoon with me in the middle of a movie and watching in great enjoyment as she picked up her entire sleeping bag and moved several feet away from me. Oh man I could not stop laughing...a distraction to the younger girls, as usual. What can I say? They needed all they could get...I wouldn't be around for awhile! At some point, we all fell asleep.
Waking up the next morning, I remember it setting in for the first time that I was really leaving today. I mean, hundreds of people had been praying for this for months, years even, and now here it was finally happening...why did I feel so nautious? I remember turning to Lesley as we layed there in the early morning, telling her how surreal this felt and how I don't know if I can realy go through with it. Unfortuantely, my comment was not followed by that comforting little smile of hers that told me it would all be okay. She just sat up a bit and told me I was going no matter how I felt. Oh Les. Always knows me better then I know me. Anyhow, Les and Ash actually took the middle school girls to serve at Mercy that morning.
I headed home to pack my life away. The only thing I remember about that day is going to say "See ya later" to Shelly and the kiddos. I played with the girls a little bit and Shelly and I sat around chatting. She gently encouraged me and reminded me that it really wasn't that long...promising me that nothing much would change around here. And of course, she was right. I remember holding Canon and wondering if I would even recgonize that sweet little guy next time I saw him. He was such a little guy.
Then Ashley and Les came over to my house. I had to say my last goodbye to Les. I remember wanting to throw up I felt so nervous. They helped me pack my last minute things. At some point, I know Julie got there. My three best friends by my side. What a beautiful picture of His love for me, as they had walked through years of this journey, day in and day out. Now they got to push me...pull me really...to the "last step" so to speak. I remember just hounding them with questions about the girls they had just met at the house. They told me who was sweet and who to watch out for. This freaked me out completely. The funny thing is, one girl who they said to watch out for, ended up being one of the sweetest girls in the house! Said goodbye to Les. Didn't feel real yet. Ash drove Julie and I to Mercy and my mom met us there.
Pulling up, Ash was praying hardcore. The Lord knew I would need that to get through that day and the ones to come. We walked in and had to wait in the lobby awhile. Ash and Julie on each side of me on the couch, my mom in a chair across the way. Eventually the house director called us back and we sat in her office, my heart racing as her words glazed over my very busy head of thoughts. All too soon, it came to that dreaded time. Saying goodbye.
me to go fall in love with Jesus because He was all I needed. I stood as they walked back to the car. I pictured how they would drive down the hill of death, back out onto the hgihway, and go back home. Back to eating what they wanted, sleeping when they wanted, talking on thier cell phone when they wanted, going to the store when they wanted, hanging out with friends, going to bible study, planning events at ZOE, traveling, learning, just doing life, free as a bird. That's when I lost it. That night they would be at bible study like everything was normal, while I would be in this prision, alone and miserable. At some point, I turned my weighty feet and forced them to walk the wrong direction. As they approached the door of doom, I knew there would be no turning back now. I was stuck. Unless I made a run for it now...hmmmm. I did give it a thought once or twice in the week to follow.
Let's just say that He does exceedingly, abundantly above anything we could ever ask or imagine....yes even with that girl, the one I was two years ago today. Praise JESUS. Apart from Him, that is me. Apart from Him, my life no longer has purpose.
For once in my life, I actually took Ash's advice...I spent the next 5 months falling madly, deeply and passionately in love with Jesus. My life will never be the same. It's still not easy. I still stumble and fall often. I still mess up. I still have to renew my mind in the Word daily, hourly most days. I am a work in progress. I may not be where I want to be, but praise God I am not where I was...I am no longer that girl.
I am a new creation.
Faithful Father!Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Ever So Gracious
The girl I nanny is sitting here whining and moaning about how miserable her life is. How she is treated like a slave and how she never gets to do anything she wants. Why? Because I took her book away from her until she finished her homework.
It has now been 20 minutes of hearing her whine about how "her eyes are going to pop out because she could cry so much because everything is unfair and she hates her life."Ahhhh. Moan. Whhhaaahhh. Wine. As I sit here, each moan she expresses makes my skin crawl in rage. Oh if I could just get up and give her a taste of what I am thinking right now...give her a piece of my mind! I want to scream at her to just STOP IT! I can't handle listening to it anymore. She thinks she's treated like a slave. Yeah right. If she only knew, only had little glimpse of the hell on earth girls enslaved to human trafficking endured. That would quiet her. She doesn't even know how good she has it. "Just do your homework and get over it! Listen to me when I tell you to do something! STOP WHINING and MOANING!" I want to yell.
And then my thoughts quiet for a moment and I hear that still small voice echoing in my ear. "Oh sweet daughter of mine...(I think to myself, oh no. I know where this is going. Please stop. I'll stop being mad!)...Oh precious girl, don't you see? So often, especially lately, that is exactly what you sound like. Defeated. Whining. Avoiding the things I've asked you to do with the things that gratify the desires of your flesh. Moaning about how life is unfair. I want to scream, STOP IT! I want to tell you to just SHUT UP and get over it! Get over this little task you think is so miserable. To give you some perspective...a slideshow perhaps, of young girls like you living in a third world country, fighting for an eduction rather then complaining about the work load that comes with getting one. Fighting to eat a meal everyday, as you complain about them putting pickles on your Chickfila sandwich when you asked for it plain. Fighting to get her friend through the night as she is nearing death as a result of a very treatable disease as you complain about not having enough friends around you. That is what I see. In the big picture, the grand scheme of things. I see it all. I see you whining and moaning about your life as I watch her fighting for hers. Yes, precious daughter, sometimes I want to stand up and give you a piece of my mind too.
But I don't. Because I love you. And soon enough, you'll figure it out. You always do. But oh, how I wish I could spare you the hurt and heartache. If only you would listen to me the first time. How I wish I did not have to watch as you moan and whine and whimper your way to the other side. If only you would trust me, really believe that what I promised you in the light does NOT change in the darkness. That my love for you, my plans for you, my thougths for you, my will for you...that ME, just me alone is enough. That I am all sufficient for you. Nothing else will satisy the way I do. Nothing compares to knowing me. Don't you see, my precious child? Your life is not your own anymore. YOU ARE MINE.
Oh praise you, my sweet Father. Thank you. You are ever so gentle and kind and patient with me. I am so undeserving of your precious love and mastery over me. So undeserving. And yet, you allow me to bear your name, to call myself your child. Lord, I desire to remain a slave to you and nothing else. I can only be faithful to one master...you are my Master, I will not go free!
"But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed His steps; I have kept to His ways without turning aside. I have not departed from the commands of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more then my daily bread." Job 23:10-12
It has now been 20 minutes of hearing her whine about how "her eyes are going to pop out because she could cry so much because everything is unfair and she hates her life."Ahhhh. Moan. Whhhaaahhh. Wine. As I sit here, each moan she expresses makes my skin crawl in rage. Oh if I could just get up and give her a taste of what I am thinking right now...give her a piece of my mind! I want to scream at her to just STOP IT! I can't handle listening to it anymore. She thinks she's treated like a slave. Yeah right. If she only knew, only had little glimpse of the hell on earth girls enslaved to human trafficking endured. That would quiet her. She doesn't even know how good she has it. "Just do your homework and get over it! Listen to me when I tell you to do something! STOP WHINING and MOANING!" I want to yell.
And then my thoughts quiet for a moment and I hear that still small voice echoing in my ear. "Oh sweet daughter of mine...(I think to myself, oh no. I know where this is going. Please stop. I'll stop being mad!)...Oh precious girl, don't you see? So often, especially lately, that is exactly what you sound like. Defeated. Whining. Avoiding the things I've asked you to do with the things that gratify the desires of your flesh. Moaning about how life is unfair. I want to scream, STOP IT! I want to tell you to just SHUT UP and get over it! Get over this little task you think is so miserable. To give you some perspective...a slideshow perhaps, of young girls like you living in a third world country, fighting for an eduction rather then complaining about the work load that comes with getting one. Fighting to eat a meal everyday, as you complain about them putting pickles on your Chickfila sandwich when you asked for it plain. Fighting to get her friend through the night as she is nearing death as a result of a very treatable disease as you complain about not having enough friends around you. That is what I see. In the big picture, the grand scheme of things. I see it all. I see you whining and moaning about your life as I watch her fighting for hers. Yes, precious daughter, sometimes I want to stand up and give you a piece of my mind too.
But I don't. Because I love you. And soon enough, you'll figure it out. You always do. But oh, how I wish I could spare you the hurt and heartache. If only you would listen to me the first time. How I wish I did not have to watch as you moan and whine and whimper your way to the other side. If only you would trust me, really believe that what I promised you in the light does NOT change in the darkness. That my love for you, my plans for you, my thougths for you, my will for you...that ME, just me alone is enough. That I am all sufficient for you. Nothing else will satisy the way I do. Nothing compares to knowing me. Don't you see, my precious child? Your life is not your own anymore. YOU ARE MINE.
Oh praise you, my sweet Father. Thank you. You are ever so gentle and kind and patient with me. I am so undeserving of your precious love and mastery over me. So undeserving. And yet, you allow me to bear your name, to call myself your child. Lord, I desire to remain a slave to you and nothing else. I can only be faithful to one master...you are my Master, I will not go free!
"But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed His steps; I have kept to His ways without turning aside. I have not departed from the commands of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more then my daily bread." Job 23:10-12
Saturday, February 12, 2011
You Are Mine
"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have mutiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me! Gaurd my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in YOU." -Psalm 25:16-20
Over and over it echoes through my thougths.
As I struggle to fight through the urge to give into my flesh, the buning desire to once again return to the yoke that once enslaved me, He gently whispers "YOU ARE NOT GOING
Amen.
That's all I need. I am His. And He is mine. That's all.
Actaully, that is everything.
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| The 20 inches of snow we got this past week! |
Man oh man, I don't know what the deal has been lately, but I just feel like every area of my life has been under attack. After just a bit, I began to crumble. I fell pretty hard last week and have struggled to get back up, and yet He still loves me. "But I will trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation." Ps. 13:5. I don't understand it. But I must trust in it. That in my complete and utter sinfulness, selfishness, insecurity, pride, foolishness...He is just sitting up there waiting, waiting so patiently for me to realize for the hundreth time that nothing else will last...none of it will satisfy like He does. It will all leave me empty and broken...it always does. Insanity. Truly, when I live to satisfy the desires of my flesh, I am insane...doing the same thing over and over again, yet expecting to get a different result. Oh Lord, when will I get it right?
"But praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped." -Psalm 28:6-7 |
| It was so high...up past my knees. |
We've had insane amounts of snow down South the past few weeks. Last week we had four days in a row off of school and this week we had three days in a row. Crazy! And very unusual for Fayetteville, or so I've heard. I battled it out with the snow, not much to my liking to say the least. Being cooped up in the apartment with little contatct with the outside world for days at a time ignites this raging battle within me. Maybe its too much time with my thoughts. Maybe it's getting out of my routine. Maybe it's the feeling of isolation, that continual vision in my head of the world going on as normal, everyone enjoying the day to day duties of life as I just sit, alone and anxious as life seems to keep spinning, but I still perfectly still, no escape from my loneliness. Maybe it's not having some kind of schedule by which to plan my life. Maybe it's the feeling that comes when moving from my bed to the couch to the kitchen table no longer yields a new perspective...on anything. Maybe it's talking to my mom as she is out shopping, enjoying her day off, jealousy...that's what I should be doing. Maybe it's the restlessness I feel as I finally lay my head on the pillow at the end of the day, knowing that I accomplished nothing more then moving from my bed to the couch and back that day. Maybe it is all of the above, combined in some entangling manner. Whatever the depth of struggles I face as the snow continues to fall out my window, I wonder what happened? What happened to the days I would wait up anxiously by the telephone for just a single ring to come, my ticket to freedom...to a late night chatting with friends or watching a movie instead of studying for that annoying test. An entire day of sledding and drinking hot chocolate with my besties, right in the middle of the week. Now I hear the phone ring, and I don't move to pick it up...what a dreadful sound it has become. Interesting how life changes. How different seasons and circumtances present different struggles and battles. This changing, this gradual or sudden or unexpected changing through seasons of life...it's why I just can't do it without the Unchanging One. That's for sure.
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| This was two days AFTER it came! Still sooo much. |
As I struggle to fight through the urge to give into my flesh, the buning desire to once again return to the yoke that once enslaved me, He gently whispers "YOU ARE NOT GOING
BACK. YOU ARE MINE."
That's all I need. I am His. And He is mine. That's all.
Actaully, that is everything.
O Lord, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit.
Pslam 30:3
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Best Friend, Beloved Sister
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| this photo describes our friendship perfectly |
After bible study that very first night, I slipped her a little note, just telling her that I really enjoyed coming that night and I would love to get to talk further. She responded right away. I’m not sure if I’m right about this, but I actually think that our friendship began via Facebook for awhile. It just so happened that the same week I came to that first bible study, I lost a family member to cancer. Again, when I think back to how all this happened, I really don’t understand it more then to simply say that it was the hand of God in His precious and perfect timing from day one. But for some reason, I guess I began talking to this precious girl over facebook, pouring out my broken heart to her, go figure. She responded to gracefully, empathetic to my situation since she also, had been in that same place.  |
| we even started to look alike! |
In November of 2007, I wrote in my journal “I talked to Lesley and she had a similar experience with her cousin and cancer, which is ironic really. It could be a “seed being planted” as Pastor Rick would say. Hahah. Oh I read this and laugh. God you really are the Faithful Father of whose grace and mercy I will never understand, but will not survive one day without. Yes, Father, you planted a seed the day you brought this precious girl into my life. Since then, it has grown, become rooted deeply, deep within your love, wrapped around your Truth. Growing tall and blossoming in the Light of your Son. Bearing fruit…fruit that will last, fruit of righteousness.
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| our first time hanging out... we went scrapbooking! |
On December 10, 2007 I wrote “I scrapped with Lesley Saturday night and it was SO much fun! I think it could be the start of an awesome friendship—she’s amazing.” Life is funny really. I had no clue what I was saying, and yet the simplicity and truthfulness of this statement are so hard for me to grasp looking back now. Lord, you really do have a sense of humor sometimes.
Lesley Rebecca Wilkinson, it is hard for me to recall the details of the beginning because it seems as if I’ve known you my whole life. After all you’ve had to put up with, it probably seems that way to you too. : )
I have started to write this blog about five times now, and every time I give up. The words don’t come out how I want them to. There is too much to say and too few words to say it with. The day that I walked into your basement, I had no idea how that decision, that one choice to go to some random bible study at some girls house I didn’t know, how that would change the course of my life. Yet, here I am.
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| first photo together :) |
Oh there are so many memories to share. So much to rejoice in. So much to weep over. As I was reading through old journals the other day, it brought to memory so many things. We really have had to walk through some junk over the years. We have been hateful to one another more then I would like to admit. As I read some desperate attempts at pouring my heart out on a piece of paper, the hurt, bad communication, confusion, selfishness, jealousy, insecurity, pride, lack of compassion, arguments, disagreements, days spent in silence, and our inability to love one another well over the years became more real to me then ever before. Oh forgive me, precious friend. Forgive me for every moment I failed and will continue to fail at loving you with the selfless love Christ has so greatly poured upon me.
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| You got SO mad at me this night for throwing you an 18th Bday Party! :) |
Yet, I don’t think I would change any of it. As much as it hurt sometimes, our friendship has endured the flame and fire, yet still it stands, stronger then before the junkiness of our hearts was burnt away by the painful flames. Somehow, reconciliation always followed, the healing always came. And I can honestly say that even in the thick of it, I never doubted what we shared would persevere. Now I see it…a little seed planted from day one. Just like the parable in John 15 talking about the tree bearing good fruit only after it is pruned by the Father. Awhile ago, I learned that for an olive tree to bear good fruit, it has to be completely pruned for THREE years before it is able to even bear one piece of good fruit. He did spend a few years pruning our friendship and continues to do so ever so gently, yet what a beautiful picture of his faithfulness from day one. Through it ALL, the ups and downs, beautiful and ugly, the glory belongs to the Maker!
On February 26th, 2008 our friendship changed forever. Though the effects were not really evident for years to come, this was the day we become more then just friends...we became sisters. Sisters in Christ. Sisters in love with the same Father who knit our hearts together in a beautiful and unfathomable way from day one. I will never understand it. Though my heart became Jesus’ that day, my life was still not surrendered to him for another year. Yet through it all, you loved me. I always knew that when you were next to me, it was all gunna be okay…and even when it wasn’t okay, I looked over and you were still there. In the midst of the deepest pain and most unfathomable darkness, you have been there. It the greatest joy and most precious moments of victory, you have been there. Sisterhood does not even begin to sum up the precious gift you have been in my life Lesley Wilkinson.
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| goofy! |
I could fill a book with the most precious memories I so greatly cherish, of times with you by my side, but I will just share a few. I don’t know why, but somehow this one always comes to my mind. So simple and innocent, yet looking back it was one of the most profound realizations of my life at the time. We were at the mall. I have no idea why, since neither of us really enjoy that place. It was late fall, senior year. I was in the middle of IOP, I remember eating soup in your car on the way there because I had taken too long trying to eat it at your house. We were done shopping. You got a lemonade and a pretzel from the little pretzel stand and we were leaving. Heading up on the escalator, you asked me to hold the lemonade. You had just taken a big swig and told me how good it was. You told me to try it. I w
rote in my journal later, “And then I kinda looked up at her with this question in my eyes and smiled. I didn’t have to say anything and then she said, ‘Ahhhh Court I’m so excited for you! One day, we’re going to be able to go get ice cream and steal each other’s food…’ Even though I couldn’t try that lemonade, the thought of actually doing it came into my mind and just the way Les noticed a difference in my reaction, without words spoken between us, and how she just knew and said that to me was the most encouraging moment for me. I can’t wait for the day I can go have ice cream with her too!” It’s funny how precious the little things are sometimes. I can remember having so much hope that week in treatment. It was like Les showed me this little glimmer of hope, a little tiny light at the end of a whole lot of darkness. Actually, she always had that effect in my life. A little light in a whole lotta darkness. She radiates the love of the Father. Over the years, there have been so many of these sweet and quiet moments which consistently turn out to be the most profound within our friendship.
rote in my journal later, “And then I kinda looked up at her with this question in my eyes and smiled. I didn’t have to say anything and then she said, ‘Ahhhh Court I’m so excited for you! One day, we’re going to be able to go get ice cream and steal each other’s food…’ Even though I couldn’t try that lemonade, the thought of actually doing it came into my mind and just the way Les noticed a difference in my reaction, without words spoken between us, and how she just knew and said that to me was the most encouraging moment for me. I can’t wait for the day I can go have ice cream with her too!” It’s funny how precious the little things are sometimes. I can remember having so much hope that week in treatment. It was like Les showed me this little glimmer of hope, a little tiny light at the end of a whole lot of darkness. Actually, she always had that effect in my life. A little light in a whole lotta darkness. She radiates the love of the Father. Over the years, there have been so many of these sweet and quiet moments which consistently turn out to be the most profound within our friendship.  |
| precious girl |
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| one of the projects we made |
a little crazy…they let you wheel me around the hallway of the third floor for ten minutes!!! And yet I don’t think I had so much fun in months. In the midst of the darkness that consumed my life, in the 
midst of the deep hurt and pain I was in, in the midst of the sin that entangled my mind and body, you made me laugh. You shined so brightly, light in the darkness again. More then anything about that night, I felt loved. You treated me like the most important person in the world, when all I did was lie to you, hurt you and take from you, never giving or loving you the way you 
loved me. Yet still, I looked to my right, and there you were, to laugh with me as you rolled me down the hallways or to cry with me as I poured out what I was really thinking. And this is just one little example of one night…but I can remember daily, sometimes hourly texts and calls from you during this time. If that wasn’t enough, you invested hours of writing me essays for six months of my life weekly, maybe more. You sent flowers and cards. You drove me to Columbia. You let me live at your house for a season of time…there was nothing that ever stopped you from selflessly loving me and showing me just how precious I was in the eyes of the Heavenly Father, that as much as I meant to you, He loved me that much more.
midst of the deep hurt and pain I was in, in the midst of the sin that entangled my mind and body, you made me laugh. You shined so brightly, light in the darkness again. More then anything about that night, I felt loved. You treated me like the most important person in the world, when all I did was lie to you, hurt you and take from you, never giving or loving you the way you 
loved me. Yet still, I looked to my right, and there you were, to laugh with me as you rolled me down the hallways or to cry with me as I poured out what I was really thinking. And this is just one little example of one night…but I can remember daily, sometimes hourly texts and calls from you during this time. If that wasn’t enough, you invested hours of writing me essays for six months of my life weekly, maybe more. You sent flowers and cards. You drove me to Columbia. You let me live at your house for a season of time…there was nothing that ever stopped you from selflessly loving me and showing me just how precious I was in the eyes of the Heavenly Father, that as much as I meant to you, He loved me that much more.  |
| we went to tour Radford...guess it never made the cut! |
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| the beautiful Cascades |
I love
you buddy.
Support Needed for Trip to Middle East
Well, I just thought I would post this in the blog world as well, but as many for you know I am heading over to the Middle East in May. My first deadline is fast approaching and I need to be able to buy my plane ticket. In the next 13 days, I need to raise just over $1,000 as we are trying to book the flight on Feburary 15th. I am so incredibly grreatful for those of you have supported me up to this point and would just ask you to pray about supporting me if you havn't.
Also, please just come in agreement with me in prayer that the money will come in over the next week and a half. He is the faithful Provider and I believe those He calls, He equips...spiritually, emotionally, physically, and financially. I would also ask you to lift up the people of the Middle East right now, as all of the conflict going on over there is gaining intensity. I have been recieving a lot of resistance from my family in prepration for this trip and so I would also ask you to pray for thier hearts to soften and just for them to experience peace about me going in a few months, despite the state of turmoil occuring right now.
I've attatched my support letter for more information about my trip and/or how to be apart of supporting me in this mission!
Friends and Family,
Well it seems like just yesterday I was writing to share all the Lord did in and through my time in Australia. Since getting back home to the states, God has continued to blow my mind with His sovereignty as His beautiful and perfect plans continue to unfold. Just two weeks before preparing to move to Virginia at the end of the summer, God completely shut that door and opened another. Despite my doubts, I knew I had to be obedient to what He was calling me to do, so I packed up my life in St. Louis and made the five hour trek to Fayetteville, Arkansas to pursue my education as a psychology major at the U of A. In the process of searching for a place to live just several weeks before school was to start, I was so incredibly blessed to see God’s hand of provision once again. Through a crazy connection, completely ordained by God, I found this apartment complex in Fayetteville which ended up becoming my first home away from home and so much more.
As it turns out, Woodway is no ordinary apartment complex, but also home to a discipleship program called Lightbearers Ministries http://www.lightbearersconnects.com/. Over the past four months, I have experienced the incredible gift of living in biblical community with my three precious roommates (pictured right), being mentored individually, and attending a discipleship class weekly, where seasoned teachers of the Word are walking us through the Old Testament this semester. In addition to my rent money all going to fund missions work in the 10-40 window, at the close of school in May, I will be going with my roommates and several other Lightbearers students and leaders to serve in the Middle East for ten days. Lightbearers has several global partners located there whom we will be encouraging and assisting with what they are already doing. We will be spending time serving in an orphanage as well as getting to do several home stays with Arab families. Also, we will be supporting an established business of an American family living in the Middle East by serving with them in their duties. As I have been researching and praying for this country, the Lord has begun to break my heart for the people. This is a nation where “honor killings” are common, which is the practice of husbands or family members killing women and girls because they have allegedly engaged in behavior that goes against social norms. Actually, about 20 women a year lose their life at the hands of the ones they love. The men responsible for such actions, serve less then a year in prison for what they did before being released to resume life. Furthermore, this country is under the rule of a king who limits the amount of religious freedom this highly Muslim nation is permitted to practice. It is crazy to me that in such an incredibly holy land, the God of bible, the One who brought the people through this land to begin with, is not the God being worshipped. Yet what an incredible privilege it is to go to this nation and just love on these people, attributing every good thing in my life back to the glory of the One whose presence once stood on these very grounds.
In preparation for this trip, I am writing for your help in two ways: prayer and financial support. The total cost of the trip is about $3,000 which covers travel expenses, meals, accommodations, and supplies. The first $1,500 is due by February 15th in order to book the plane tickets. The second half will be due May 8th. If you feel led to support me, please make checks payable to Lightbearers ministries and mail to PO Box 9911 Fayetteville, AR 72703. For tax purposes, do not include my name anywhere on the check, but just write it on the envelope. All donations are tax deductible.
Please be praying for the people of the Middle East, for the Lord to begin to soften their hearts. Also, please keep in prayer Lightbearers Ministries, specifically for unity among the team of students and leaders who will be accompanying me in this journey. Pray for our financial needs to be met fully and quickly, as well as for the Lord to just continue to break our hearts for this nation and the people.
With Love,
Courtney
Please check out my blog at http://www.courtosborn.blogspot.com/ for regular updates about all God is doing in my life!
“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.” -Isaiah 61:1
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