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| The 20 inches of snow we got this past week! |
Man oh man, I don't know what the deal has been lately, but I just feel like every area of my life has been under attack. After just a bit, I began to crumble. I fell pretty hard last week and have struggled to get back up, and yet He still loves me. "But I will trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation." Ps. 13:5. I don't understand it. But I must trust in it. That in my complete and utter sinfulness, selfishness, insecurity, pride, foolishness...He is just sitting up there waiting, waiting so patiently for me to realize for the hundreth time that nothing else will last...none of it will satisfy like He does. It will all leave me empty and broken...it always does. Insanity. Truly, when I live to satisfy the desires of my flesh, I am insane...doing the same thing over and over again, yet expecting to get a different result. Oh Lord, when will I get it right?
"But praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped." -Psalm 28:6-7 |
| It was so high...up past my knees. |
We've had insane amounts of snow down South the past few weeks. Last week we had four days in a row off of school and this week we had three days in a row. Crazy! And very unusual for Fayetteville, or so I've heard. I battled it out with the snow, not much to my liking to say the least. Being cooped up in the apartment with little contatct with the outside world for days at a time ignites this raging battle within me. Maybe its too much time with my thoughts. Maybe it's getting out of my routine. Maybe it's the feeling of isolation, that continual vision in my head of the world going on as normal, everyone enjoying the day to day duties of life as I just sit, alone and anxious as life seems to keep spinning, but I still perfectly still, no escape from my loneliness. Maybe it's not having some kind of schedule by which to plan my life. Maybe it's the feeling that comes when moving from my bed to the couch to the kitchen table no longer yields a new perspective...on anything. Maybe it's talking to my mom as she is out shopping, enjoying her day off, jealousy...that's what I should be doing. Maybe it's the restlessness I feel as I finally lay my head on the pillow at the end of the day, knowing that I accomplished nothing more then moving from my bed to the couch and back that day. Maybe it is all of the above, combined in some entangling manner. Whatever the depth of struggles I face as the snow continues to fall out my window, I wonder what happened? What happened to the days I would wait up anxiously by the telephone for just a single ring to come, my ticket to freedom...to a late night chatting with friends or watching a movie instead of studying for that annoying test. An entire day of sledding and drinking hot chocolate with my besties, right in the middle of the week. Now I hear the phone ring, and I don't move to pick it up...what a dreadful sound it has become. Interesting how life changes. How different seasons and circumtances present different struggles and battles. This changing, this gradual or sudden or unexpected changing through seasons of life...it's why I just can't do it without the Unchanging One. That's for sure.
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| This was two days AFTER it came! Still sooo much. |
As I struggle to fight through the urge to give into my flesh, the buning desire to once again return to the yoke that once enslaved me, He gently whispers "YOU ARE NOT GOING
BACK. YOU ARE MINE."
That's all I need. I am His. And He is mine. That's all.
Actaully, that is everything.
O Lord, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit.
Pslam 30:3
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