Two Years Ago Today...

Febuary 16th, 2009.
Hard to believe it has been two years.

Honestly, I feel like this past year has flown by! Just a year ago I was sitting in the breathtaking snow-covered mountains of Blacksburg, VA with my bestest friend reflecting on God's unfathomable faithfulness and welcoming in a new and unknown season of life. I was excited by the thought that maybe, just maybe, a year into the future, I would not find myself in St. Louis, MO. Oh I heard His voice so clearly that weekend, I will never, ever forget. It was unlike anything that had ever happened to me before. That was the first time that scripture came alive in the palms of my hands. And the precious words He spoke to me that weekend, the peace He provided in my little sabatical in the mountains with Les have certainly come to pass, maybe not how I expected. Definately NOT how I expected. And yet, whose ways are higher? Oh yeah...HIS! A year later here I am, living in an apratment with three girls I had never met before August, going to school to become a dietician (of all things!) in random middle of no where Fayetteville, AR. Wow. And I LOVE it. Honestly, I cannot help but tear up as I am reminded of His unceasing and PERFECT plans for MY life. And that is just one year in review. ONE year.

Two years ago, was a day that changed the course of my life forever. Two years ago today, I walked into the doors of Mercy Ministries broken, hopeless, and dying. I can remember it like it was yesterday, honestly. I remember the whole weekend before leaving, hanging out with friends, Les throwing a surprise "see ya later" party that I showed up for hours late because I thought it was just the two of us hanging out. I remember going to one of Clayton Jones's very first concerts at the Doxa followed by a night of hanging out at ZOE. Then my last night before leaving was spent sleeping one the floor of the ZOE house snuggled between Les and Ash at the middle school girls lock in. Oh and I cannot forget the best part--asking Ash to spoon with me in the middle of a movie and watching in great enjoyment as she picked up her entire sleeping bag and moved several feet away from me. Oh man I could not stop laughing...a distraction to the younger girls, as usual. What can I say? They needed all they could get...I wouldn't be around for awhile! At some point, we all fell asleep.

Waking up the next morning, I remember it setting in for the first time that I was really leaving today. I mean, hundreds of people had been praying for this for months, years even, and now here it was finally happening...why did I feel so nautious? I remember turning to Lesley as we layed there in the early morning, telling her how surreal this felt and how I don't know if I can realy go through with it. Unfortuantely, my comment was not followed by that comforting little smile of hers that told me it would all be okay. She just sat up a bit and told me I was going no matter how I felt. Oh Les. Always knows me better then I know me. Anyhow, Les and Ash actually took the middle school girls to serve at Mercy that morning.

I headed home to pack my life away. The only thing I remember about that day is going to say "See ya later" to Shelly and the kiddos. I played with the girls a little bit and Shelly and I sat around chatting. She gently encouraged me and reminded me that it really wasn't that long...promising me that nothing much would change around here. And of course, she was right. I remember holding Canon and wondering if I would even recgonize that sweet little guy next time I saw him. He was such a little guy.

Then Ashley and Les came over to my house. I had to say my last goodbye to Les. I remember wanting to throw up I felt so nervous. They helped me pack my last minute things. At some point, I know Julie got there. My three best friends by my side. What a beautiful picture of His love for me, as they had walked through years of this journey, day in and day out. Now they got to push me...pull me really...to the "last step" so to speak. I remember just hounding them with questions about the girls they had just met at the house. They told me who was sweet and who to watch out for. This freaked me out completely. The funny thing is, one girl who they said to watch out for, ended up being one of the sweetest girls in the house! Said goodbye to Les. Didn't feel real yet. Ash drove Julie and I to Mercy and my mom met us there.

Pulling up, Ash was praying hardcore. The Lord knew I would need that to get through that day and the ones to come. We walked in and had to wait in the lobby awhile. Ash and Julie on each side of me on the couch, my mom in a chair across the way. Eventually the house director called us back and we sat in her office, my heart racing as her words glazed over my very busy head of thoughts. All too soon, it came to that dreaded time. Saying goodbye.

They let me walk outside with my mom, Ash and Julie to engage in the dreaded act. I knew I would see them again. I knew this was the very place I needed to be. I mean, I had been PRAYING for this for YEARS! And now, here I was having to say goodbye and suddenly reality set in. Mom was first. We hugged. Weird. I can't remember the last time that had happened. She whispered in my ear that she loved me. That she would miss me. When she finally relseased me from the headlock she had me in, her usually hard face had melted in warm tears. Of course, I started to cry too. Without so much as a glance in the eye, she turned and headed to the car. I stood there. Really dreading this part. Julie was next. We hugged and she told me it was okay...it was not even goodbye...just "see ya later!" She gently reminded me how long I had wanted this and how hard we ALL worked to get me here. She TOLD me that I wasn't giving up now. A

 final hug and Ash came over. All I could do was bury my face in her sweatshirt and weap. I changed my mind...I dont want to do this. It is too hard. Take me home...I will do better, I promise. She pulled away so she could look me in the eyes. She waited, patiently as always, for me to connect with her gaze. When I finally lifted my head she told me that I was going to be fine. That I had to tough it out now...this was going to be the hard part. Loving wounded? Perhaps. Well...defainately. In a moment when all I wanted was someone to tell me that I was right, it was too hard...I should go home and try again, I got "Toughen up!" She did hug me some more and prayed one last time. She told me to go fall in love with Jesus because He was all I needed. I stood as they walked back to the car. I pictured how they would drive down the hill of death, back out onto the hgihway, and go back home. Back to eating what they wanted, sleeping when they wanted, talking on thier cell phone when they wanted, going to the store when they wanted, hanging out with friends, going to bible study, planning events at ZOE, traveling, learning, just doing life, free as a bird. That's when I lost it. That night they would be at bible study like everything was normal, while I would be in this prision, alone and miserable. At some point, I turned my weighty feet and forced them to walk the wrong direction. As they approached the door of doom, I knew there would be no turning back now. I was stuck. Unless I made a run for it now...hmmmm. I did give it a thought once or twice in the week to follow.

Let's just say that He does exceedingly, abundantly above anything we could ever ask or imagine....yes even with that girl, the one I was two years ago today. Praise JESUS. Apart from Him, that is me. Apart from Him, my life no longer has purpose.

For once in my life, I actually took Ash's advice...I spent the next 5 months falling madly, deeply and passionately in love with Jesus. My life will never be the same. It's still not easy. I still stumble and fall often. I still mess up. I still have to renew my mind in the Word daily, hourly most days. I am a work in progress. I may not be where I want to be, but praise God I am not where I was...I am no longer that girl.

I am a new creation.

Faithful Father!

Thank you to those faithful ones who stuck it out with me through years of deep hurt and heartache and got me to this day...the day two years ago that I finally walked through those doors. To my prayer warriors, to my encouragers, to my discipliners, to my sisters, to my friends, to my brothers, my parents, my spiritual families...words could never express my gratitude to the army it took to get me to this day, keep me inside those doors, then walk with me after I was finally ready to come out! He is faithful. Thank you.