His Voice is Louder

"God never with holds from His child that which His love and wisdom call good. God's refusals are always merciful -- "severe mercies" at times but mercies all the same. God never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better."


— Elisabeth Elliot

I spent the past semester in friendship and then a dating relationship with a sweet boy who has a beautiful heart for the Lord. We enjoyed our time together, laughing, challenging one another and learning about the Maker. We set incredible boundaries. We had older men and women, couples, and friends surrounding us, pouring into us and keeping us accountable. We each have an intimate relationship with Jesus, which we placed before everything else…including one another. We decided early on that snuggling, caressing, and kissing were not even up for discussion until there was a ring on my finger. We wouldn’t spend time talking on the phone that day, if we hadn’t both been in the Word that morning. I don’t share this to boast or to get a pat on the back, but more so to say that we were doing most things pretty well…at least as best we knew how. Both of hearts desire was and still is nothing more then to glorify God in our own lives, and more so as we came together in a relationship by maintaining our purity and guarding one another. I knew that we were "different"...we were doing it all right...we were being obedient to the Lord.

Despite doing all of things “right” and doing the best we knew how, there came a point when I knew that pursuing this relationship further would not continue to bring glory to the Maker. Nothing “bad” ever happened nor did I ever stop having feelings for him. Yet, I knew that for some reason at this point in my life, obedience to God required ending this relationship. Even just yesterday, a month after it happened, I still have people call and ask me to explain what happened because they don’t understand. I wish that I understood fully. One thing I do know is that I am not ready for marriage. Another thing I know is that I am never going to date a boy again...I understand now how God did not create us to date...we are created for marriage. I do not stand an exeption to that rule as I thought I did :) The last thing I know is that when it is time to meet the man I am going to marry, the Lord will have already prepared us both and he will know I am his. This is how it is intended to be; we are simply not created to be in relationship with the opposite sex outside of the marriage covenant. I won't settle for anything less.


God just reminded me of the purity I desire before Him. He is showing me what purity really means. I’d never thought much about it, but purity is so much more then my body and my heart even. That means I have the responsibility to save so much more for my husband then just my heart and my body. Even saving certain conversations, certain activities, time with my family, holidays, giving gifts, words of affirmation, being told certain things even….I learned/am learning that purity is so much more then heart and body thing, but that it is literally EVERY aspect of your life that you share in depth with someone. I don’t want to be married to my husband one day and think back to waking up in my PJs with this boy who wasn’t him years down the road. I don’t want my husband to write a song for me and as he plays it I am thinking of the boy who wrote and sang me one years ago. I don’t want anyone BUT my husband to know the intimate details of my life….my biggest fears, deepest passions, visions for my life. Even something as simple as worshipping in the body together is a BIG deal and something that I want to only experience with my husband!!!! It’s a process I guess and I am learning.



My time with Him is sooooooooooo precious to me…more then ever before actually. I have a whole new understanding of Him being my groom, my Father, and LORD. Crazy. He is enthralled by me, knows me intimately, He protects me like a dad, and He has my life (my future husband) all under control…He already knows how the story ends, after all He wrote it before I was a day old…whaaaat?! I have nothing to worry about…really. My flesh tries to convince me otherwise, even just the reactions of my family who loved getting to know this boy, not understanding how nothing happened, yet I sent him home on a plane all of a sudden…you must be crazy Courtney, what are you thinking?! And yet…HE IS LORD. I know whose voice better be louder in my life…and unless it is, I know that my life just won’t make sense. At the end of the day, He really is ENOUGH!



"God is God. Because he is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience. I will find rest nowhere but in His holy will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what he is up to."

— Elisabeth Elliot

The American Dream

The American Dream:

Who doesn't fantasize about it? We would be crazy not to dream of it. It is in our blood, I would argue. Part of our rearing from infancy on up, really. Like learning to walk and talk...it comes naturally to us after so long. Part of who we are, who we are told we are at least. Life without it, well life without the American dream...would be...well, what?

What would your life without the American Dream be? Would you dream about your wedding day, ladies? Your future children, yeah the ones that you are going to make with the cute boy who sits in front of you in bio class. Guys- would you pursue that law degree with the same enthusiasm and eagerness? Would your yearning to have that new TV with the newest, most up-to-date games so that all of your friend will envy you and beg you to entertain still yield the same satisfaction? What about the nice house with the white picket fence, the dog running through the green grass on a warm, breezy day. The kids all sitting at the table finishing their homework, the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven while mom starts dinner, in anticipation of dad coming home after a long days work, ready to roll around on the floor with the kids until bedtime. After which, mom and dad finally retreat to he couch, all snuggled up, a bowl of popcorn in one hand, remote in the other as they laugh their way through the newest reality TV show that is on that night. Tomorrow...well, tomorrow is strikingly just as beautifully perfect. For the past 20 years of my life, well as long as I can remember, this has always been my dream. In fact, I could dream of settling for nothing less. The American dream. The Ultimate dream. The Life.

Even in the past year or so, people will ask me what my major is and what I want to do with it. After the awkward laugh and explanation to accompany it of just how many times my major has already changed in my first couple years of school and that currently, I am studying ____, but not really sure if this is what I am suppossed to be doing, because honestly, I will tell them, I just don't care what I graduate with...I wish I could just go to school to be a wife and mom because that is what I feel called to do with my life anyways. They often nod their head and smile, assuring me of the importance of a college education and how one day I will be glad I have one. I hear this as, "Well, lemme know how that works out for you...you'll be wishing you had a real job in no time. That won't last you long."



I smile and laugh inside. Oh how many more times must I hear this?



Yet lately, I hear, "Courtney, my sweet, precious daughter. You think that you are special, which you are to me, but you think that something should be given to you...a pat on the back maybe, for standing firm in what you feel you are called to do, particularly since it does not often make sense to the typical American non-believer in today's society. You think this is persecution. I mean what could be worse...they are putting down everything you dream about, right? You think you understand what sacrificing for me means? You think you know, huh? Well let me ask you this: what if I told you to give it all up? What if I told you that you were never going to marry? That you would never carry or birth your own flesh and blood? That you would never live your version of the American Dream?"



Would you give it all up for me? Would you still praise me? Would you still love me? Would you still passionately proclaim my Name through all the earth? Am I really worth EVERYTHING to you?



It seems in a matter of days the life that all I have always dreamed about is coming tumbling down before me and oddly, I am okay with that. What if, just what if, this isn't my dream anymore?



The more time I spend here, the less I want it. The more time I spend here, the more disgusted I become....with the culture, Hollywood, Television, food, music, hypocrisy, money, fashion, education, the church, education, and more then anything else, myself.



Is there something wrong with me? I would tend to say, yes there is something very wrong. My family would gladly agree. And yet, in weird and only God provided ways, I can now see His gentle preparation of proposing this seemingly crazy concept to me actually began several years ago and has been slowly building to now. I will share more about this later.



Would you give it all up for him tomorrow, if He asked you to? Do you trust Him with your life? Do you know Him like that? Is He more important to you then the American dream? Is He really worth it all? Your dreams? Your boyfriend? Your friends? Your education? Your dream job? Your clothes? Your money? Your stuff? Your comfort? Your status? Your family? Your LIFE?


For now, I leave you to battle it out with this: Is He really worth everything?

He Redeems

What began as an attempt to express some of my frustration in a situation this week, in a semi-productive way, turned into this:


Sir,

With every ounce of my being, I want to hate you. Utterly detestable, like the scum you pull up from the shower drain. That’s what I see when I look at you. The worst of the worst, the most perverted of the sick. My flesh wants to take you on. Bring it. To jump right on you and slam my fist into you nose. To punch you right in the gut. You deserve death. You deserve to suffer great pain and horror, then you deserve nothing more then death. Yet do I deserve any better?

That is what you’ve caused them. Ever think about that? Have you ever thought about them? The ones behind the faces? Why do you avoid her eyes? Do her cries for relief not phase you? I guess her body is greater to you. Greater then pleas uttered from her lips or the tears pouring forth from her sunken in eyes. Do you know how you worship a temple? A created thing, an idol, a false god? Her body…it is a temple. You scum, you dirty bulldozer. You, with all your might, you pound your steel upon her shimmering exterior.

Once, twice. She is bruised, banged up a little. Her paint is scratched. A chunk, missing from the wooden door, the glass of the window cracking a bit. Three, four times now. Her shimmer is gone. Her color is drained. It seems the darkness is setting in over the noonday. Five, six. You’re not the first. You plow through as the trembling wall comes tumbling down in your wake. But you don’t even take a glance, no you don’t look back. Obviously, you won’t be the last. Seven, eight. An entire side exposed. No protection from the storm, nothing to cover up the holes. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve. You come again, One, with a few more. Room for all, all for one. Another wall cries out as it collides with the concrete floor, clashing and crashing. Oh the pieces. You look no more. What once was whole now is scattered, all of the pieces shattered. On the outside, what a sight she was. All glowy and flowy. But now she lays before you, Sir. All tattered, busted, screaming for her, it’s the only way she dissuades your lure.

Get out, get out! You tell her now. Get out of this brain you’ve infected somehow. You walk, you move, anything to numb the stain that you cannot overcome. See, I tell you now, avoid her eyes, you man of scum. You will not live but death you cannot overcome. I want to punch you, slap your check. Yet, He tells me, He’s the only one who can redeem. You? Yes. Somehow, even you are chosen to be clean.
Although you wash yourself with soda and use an abundance of soap, the stain of your guilt is still before me. -Jeremiah 2:22
Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. Isa. 1:18
Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon. Isa 55:7
I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.
Isa. 43:25
I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. Isa. 44:22
This is what the LORD Almighty says: 'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Zechariah 7:9

He heals. He redeems. Even my prideful, arrogant, selfish, judgemental heart. Praise HIM!!!!

More Then Just A Hobby?

I have been told a few times lately that I should start a business. I LOVE scrapbooking! I would even say it is more then a "hobby." I really, really love every aspect of doing it, especially when it is for people close to me who I love and who I know will enjoy it.

I know NOTHING about business honestly. I wouldn't even know where to start! How do you get the word out? How do you price things? Do I scrapbook actual books for customers, pursue cardmaking, do special frames that are scrapbooked? How do I market? Price things? How do I even know if people would actually pay money for that? What if its a total bust?

I enjoy it so much because it is personal. When I choose a verse of scripture or a quote or a color scheme, it is because I know the person for whom I'm making it will love those details. How would I pursue more creating for more people, yet maintain this personal aspect to the creation which is what makes me so passionate about doing it to begin with?

Hypothetically, if this whole business thing ever did work out, how incredible would that be to be able to use the profits to further the Kingdom?! I've been thinking about it a lot actaully. It could help fund a home for the girls enslaved to human sextrafficking with a desire to get free. It could fund missions around the world. It could be used to bless my Potter's House girls' families. And without a doubt I would give a percentage to Mercy Ministries. Wow. Never thought of how the money could be used in all of these ways. Lord, give me wisdom and guidance in how to pursue this if it is something you desire for me to do.

Could this really become more then just a hobby?

My Life is a Vapor.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed--by life, by decisions, by oppurtunities, by JESUS! Oh if my brain could only begin to understand His love, I think it would just fall righ out of my head. There are so many decisions to make as a twenty-something-year-old college student.
major.
job.
husband.
school.
place to live.
money.
ministries to serve in.
friendships.
habits.
theology.
lifetyle.
passions.
vision.
dreams.

Oh I could go on forever. I feel like I am at a pivitol point in my life right now, yet I'm not exactly sure what this means or whether or not I paricularly like it. Yet, here I am. I sit as an avid onlooker as I begin to observe friends make some of these decisions. I see them choosing a degree. Planning a future with a soon to be husband. Pusing the job of thier dreams. I even see them taking interest in a budget! :) And I ask myself, when did it happen? When did we leave childhood and grow up? Yesterday I was just a careless kid without a worry in the world and now...well now I am expected to make decisions that effect the rest of my life. Where is the off switch? I can't seem to make it stop! Growing up? Really?! Make it STOP!

Mostly, there are just so many things the Lord has laid on my heart, so many things I want to do, places I want to go, people I want to minister to, things I want to learn, ways I want to serve, missions I want to fund. Every which way I look lately, I see opputunity after oppurtuniy presenting itself and yet how do I decifer what areas He is calling me to serve in? Where He wants me to go? What He wants me to do? Need I go on?

But then I am brought back down to the point of understanding that this life...MY LIFE...is a VAPOR! Yes a vapor. Wow. Better make it count. Better spend every moment loving like Him, sharing His name, glorifying His Word, being changed by the Spirit of God that lives in me. Apart from this, what does the rest of it matter?

Until tomorrow, when the list of oppurtunities and decisions overtakes my thoughts yet again....

Blindness

Why is it so easy to take up that yoke of slaver that once so entangled my life? Why is it that in the midst of stress, confusion, or isolation that little tap at the door becomes stronger? Next thing I know, the door is busted down before my feet. I stand. Afraid to move. Taking a step back to get a better view of the mess before me, I realize mending the door will take effort. Afterall, it is cracked, chunks are scattered. Like a puzzle sort of. Putting it back together will take time. And work. Lots of work. Not to mention, picking the door back up...putting it back on its hinges. I don't even know how to do that honestly. Doubtful I could even muster the strength to lift it on my own. Though they do call me a hauss. Yet this seems daunting.

So here I stand. Afraid to move. Or intimidated by making a move. Yes afraid. The other option, then, if not to stand here all day would be to take a step back. Away from the door. Away from the mess. Away from the overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame which overtake me as my eyes glaze over what lays at my feet. Yes, that sounds good. Much easier then the alternative. Less work too.

Taking a step back from the mess my life has become, the lingering anxiety lessens a bit. This feel good. Yes very good. Another step back. The little pieces are no longer visible. Less overwhleming. Good. Another step back. The light is dimmer back here. I see the door on the ground, but everything else is a bit hazy. Another step back. I can barely make out the rectangular shape. Just a little light lingers where the door once stood. One more step back. I'm lost in darkness. Entangled by the very sin that knockd the door down.

I look around for someone, anyone, to help loose these ropes and chains binding me. To get them off. Anything. I need relief. Oh why did I come back this far? I didn't mean to! Really. I just couldn't face that door and the mess it placed before me. But now, well now that door doesn't seem so scary. The fact that I look around, yet see nothing--now that is scary.

"But whenever anyone turns to the LORD, the veil is taken away. Now the LORD is the Spirit and where the Spirit of the LORD is there is FREEDOM. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the LORD's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the LORD who is the Spirit." 2 Cor. 3:16-18

"The god of this age has binded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Chris, who is te image of God." 2 Cor. 4:4

John Piper

To close out Passion, Piper spoke on the last night.

His main question:
Do you feel more loved by God because He makes much or you or because He enables you to enjoy making much out of Him?

Piper explained how the "bottom of your joy" is who you are. Either it is you at the bottom or it is God. For many, God is not at the bottom. Many even claim to be followers of Christ, settle for living with themeselves at the bottom and regaurdless of how much they love God, they are going to hell. Even in the gospels when people were healing and casting out demons in Jesus name, some where still hell bound. God loves us in the bible in a way that makes clear His design in making much of us is to make clear He be made much of!

Ponder this: Did Christ die for us or fo God?
He died for me because its for Him because He is at the bottom...John 17:24

Piper shared 7 Ways God makes much of you:

1. By being pleased with us and commending our lives. (The Weight of Glory)
• Well done, good and faithful servant.
• Even the theif on the cross...gracious God.
2. By making us fellow heirs with His Son who owns everything.
• Blessed arethe meek for they will inherit
• Rom 4:13
• 1 Cor. 3:21
• Matt 5:5
• God makes much of you so you inherit the world...what do you need now?!? YOURE GOING TO GET IT ALL!!!
3. By having us sit at table when Jesus returns and He will serve us.
• Luke 12:37
4. By apointing us to carry out the judgement fo the angels.
• Dan. 7:10...100 million angels
• Dont know exactly what this means, but its NOT SMALL!!!
5. By ascribing value to us and rejoicing over us
• Zeph. 3:17
•  Matt 10:30
• You will not simply be pleasing to God but you will be THRILLING!
• No one can look at you with natural eyes because you'll look worthy of being worshipped...wow what does this even mean? My brain cant go there.
6. By granting you to sit with Christ on His throne
• Rev. 3:21

Why does He reveal His love?
Gods love for you that makes much of His glory is a greater love for you then if He made you a supreme treasure. You will never be able to be stong enough, beautiful enough to bear the weight at the bottom...ONLY HE CAN!

I love you and you're so precious to me that I will not let your preciousness to me become your God...I will be your God and I LOVE YOU!

An Appetite for More

Andy Stanley

The Power of an Appetite

To continue on with what I learned from Passion 2011, I wanted to go through Andy Stanley’s message next. He spoke about our appetite and just how powerful it really is. He suggested that your response to your appetite will actually determine the direction and the quality of your life. When he is referring to your “appetite” we often associate this with food, but it could really be anything that an individual craves.

Examples of Appetites:
• Food
• Acceptance
• Responsibility
• Sex
• Fame
• Recgonoition
• To be envied
• Things
• Love
• To win
• Respect
• Progress
A few things about appetites that we must remember:
1.) God created appetities and sin distorted them.
2.) Appetites are never fully and finally satisfied
3.) Appetites always whisper now and never later.
Biblically speaking, the story of Esau and Jacob is a perfect example of this whole appetite image. Genesis 25: 29-34 reads:
Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. 30 He said to Jacob, “Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I’m famished!” (That is why he was also called Edom.)
Jacob replied, “First sell me your birthright.”
“Look, I am about to die,” Esau said. “What good is the birthright to me?”
But Jacob said, “Swear to me first.” So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob. 
Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left.
So Esau despised his birthright.

After reading this, ask yourself this…Who would trade their birthright for a bowl of stew??? Honestly, I would. I mean, I have! Haven’t you? Really, anytime that we choose to put something else…food, sex, money, recognition…in front of Christ, we are selling our birthright for a bowl of stew. How often do I find myself idolizing something other then Christ? How often must I fall to me face in disgust for the way I have placed something above Him? I guess the better question is probably how often does that appetite actually get fulfilled by the food or the love of a man or by things? Never. I mean, it never brings lasting satisfaction. Not like Jesus does. In fact, it usually always brings destruction. So why do we do it? Well, we are flesh-driven sinners being called to live in this world, yet not of it. The battle rages on. We must choose daily to refuse to sacrifice the ultimate for the immediate. Often we are ruled (in our flesh) by instant gratification. At least I am. Every day honestly.
So now I must ask myself: Do you want to trade all of that (Christ’s lineage) for a bowl of stew? The answer is obvious. No, I don’t want to. The two don’t even deserve to be compared in a single sentence because they are incomprehensibly incomparable. And yet every morning I wake up tempted to trade my birth right for a stupid worthless bowl of stew. As Stanley phrased it, “your appetite only wants MORE and only at one time- NOW.” So what do we do about it? Two Words…REFRAME AND REFRAIN. Difficult? Without a doubt. Doable? Definitely.
Practically speaking, Stanley suggested each person make a list. A list with the heading that reads “Five Years From Now…”
List anything you want to be doing. Your dreams. Your passions. What you want your life to look like. Goals you want to accomplish. Places you want to see. Ways you desire to further the Kingdom. Anything that you foresee in your life five years from now. This provides us with perspective. It helps us to get our eyes off the appetites of our flesh which are ruthlessly demanding MORE NOW, and focusing our attention instead on PURSUING LATER.
I am working on my list. I will post it later. I challenge you to do the same! Perspective is a beautiful thing.

Lord, I Will Follow You

A few months go, the LORD began to break my heart for girls enslaved to human sex traficking. As the months have progressed, that draw in my heart to these women has only grown and deepened. I am in the process right now of pursing several different ministries reaching out to these enslaved girls and I am praying about the Lord's call on my life in regaurds to this in the future.

As He has continued to break my heart to see these girls walk in freedom in HIM, I decided to share my thoughts from several months ago, when all of this really began. How beautiful and gentle He is with me!

September 21, 2010

Lord God, tonight I got a tiny, tiny glimpse of something that breaks your heart breaking mine. Lord, I just look around my room late at night because I cant sleep after watching this movie “Trade.” I look around and I see smiles, laughter and happy moments surrounding me. Images of my baptism, my graduation from mercy, all of my friends around me for hot summer nights, my family all together at the beach when I came to know you, the finish line of the run for mercy- what an accomplishment! Pictures with kangaroos and aboriginal children from my mission trip to serve you. Precious friends you have so used to pour into, bless and encourage me through my life with you. Each of these images reflect the deepest joy and happiest moments in my life with knowing you. Each of them are so significant of how you have transformed me. What a celebration this should be yes? To look upon my walls and rejoice at the work you have done in my life…the places I was and where I am now…to have my life painted around me, a life which is sold out to bring glory to Your Name, God.

But tonight, as I look upon those walls, my watering eyes glazing over each of these images, scanning them for the happiness of each moment to return, I felt nothing but disgust. It took everything in me not to just start punching the wall, shattering the glass and destroying the image inside of it. I want to tear them each down. I want to smack that girl in those pictures. I want to SCREAM at her to WAKE UP! To step outside of this little dream world full of smiles and friends and celebrations and see reality for what it is…to see anyone but my freaking self when I look around my room.

When I see the horrors going on around me, literally in my state, in my neighborhood even, worldwide, it makes me feel sick. These children, these girls have everything stolen from them. They are tortured in ways that I could not even wrap my mind around. They are living in hell on earth…that’s all I can even begin to describe it as. Slaves, a piece of property, an animal, worse then an animal, bound to this hell, no hope for a way out. Man after man, each walking away with some piece of her heart, stealing more then her virginity, more then her dignity, more then her worth. He is stealing her innocence, her HOPE, her ability to receive unconditional, life-changing love from YOU Lord God. Praise you that YOUR WAYS are higher then those of man…ISA 61…you are calling me to these girls.

I declare this right now a moment in my life that I will look back on 5 years from now, 20 years from now, at the end of my days and say that on Tuesday, September 22nd, 2010 at 12:58am you broke my heart for your precious children tortured, bound, enslaved, hopeless, broken, and dying at the hands of the global human sex-trafficking industry. Lord God, I don’t know what this means, I don’t know what it is going to look like, all I know is that I am yours…have all of me. And that nothing in my life really matters the way I thought it did, the way I’ve been acting like it does. You have ignited a burning passion deep within my core Lord God, a flame that I pray does not dwindle any longer. I flame that no devil in hell can snuff out. God I ask you to brand deep into every fiber of my being this calling to rescue and watch YOU transform these girls lives. To see hope restored and lives transformed. God you are the only ONE who is able.

Lord God thank you that you hear each of their cries right now. Here in the states, over seas, in Ethiopia, in Mumbai, in Greece, in Mexico Lord God they are your beloved babies and no mother on earth will ever be able to get close to comprehending the love YOU have for these girls Lord God. A daddy’s love. A daddy’s protection. A daddy’s desire to see justice prevail. Oh my sweet Jesus thank you for drawing me close to you, close enough that when you whisper in my ear I hear you. Lord God, thank you for your WORD that is LIFE to my body, to my mind, and to the calling you have placed upon my life.

Until you move me Lord God, until you open the door you have planned, I will serve you right here. I will wake up everyday ready to learn from your Word, passionately pursing you no matter what my feelings, circumstances or people say otherwise. God I know you brought me to Fayetteville, AR for a reason and until you release me I will put in the work, I will put in the hours and KNOW YOUR WORD. I want to know YOU lord God. I want all of you, allllll of you forever and ever. Do whatever you need to do in my life Lord God, in my heart. Tear me apart and mold me back together to look more like you if that’s what you need to do Lord, all I am is YOURS! Get it all out of me…get the crap out of me. I know I am a sinner and apart from YOU in me, there is nothing good about me. I know I screw up a lot and I am a selfish, prideful jerk all the time. Lord God I want people to look on my life and see nothing but YOU. I know there are some major struggles in my mind, my life Lord God, consequences of past sin. Lord you are Jehovah Rapha, God my HEALER, so heal those deep wounds I hold so deep in there. Lord keep bringing out the junk if it brings you the glory.

And through it all, never let me forget their faces. Never cleanse my mind of the incomprehensible acts of evil which wound them physically and bind them mentally. Brand those images into my mind and never let me forget. They are not just numbers, statistics that flash across the screen, they are not just names. They are precious children of my FATHER whom He loves and whom He has purposed for a hope and a future that is GOOD. My sisters in CHRIST whom I love with the love the Father has so graciously lavished upon me, when I DON’T deserve it.
Lord God, give me more faces. I want to see them. I want to see them. Interrupt me, anytime anywhere to intervene on their behalf in prayer. Bind my heart to theirs through you love where no enemy can sever the bond…JESUS JESUS JESUS!

I am praying about an internship with the HOME FOUNDATION and A21 Campaign.
Home Foundation Website

A 21 Campaign Website

Does Your Life Measure Up?

Here is just a start to what I learned at Passion...more to come!

Francis Chan

“Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.” Phil. 1:27
Francis talked about how your life measures up to the gospel. He took out an old fashion scale. He placed the Word of God on one side. He said that your life should look like the gospel, it should measure up. In other words, we should be living in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Man oh man this really got me thinking…Courtney, does your life truly measure up? Is everything that you do living in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ? About half way through this talk, I found myself in tears because I realized that if what I say I believe is really what I believe, then that scale is not always balanced in my day to day life. See, Francis talked about how he came to a point in his life where certain areas of his life where not measuring up to the gospel. This led him to leave his church and move his family across the world for a season of time. He realized that living here in the States, he did not understand persecution. He did not understand what it meant to love Jesus more then life. And I mean really, living in America where we think that someone not liking us is the worst possible form of “persecution” we receive for the gospel…we just don’t get it. We don’t know what it means to sacrifice in the name of Jesus. We just don’t get it. So anyhow, Chan had heard so many stories about the underground church in China. He decided to go there to learn from the pastors there, the people who understand persecution for the gospel of Christ. He also traveled to several other nations as well, just spending time with these incredible believers who pack into small homes and cry out the name of Jesus for hours at a time. Francis moved back to the states yesterday and decided not to return to pasturing his church, but is going to be living in San Francisco to share the name of Jesus with people on the streets. Just him sharing his journey even, and where the Lord has brought him from and to and where he is going…it gave me so much perspective and convicted me of so many areas of my life.

For me, this is what it comes down to…there is a verse in Revelation chapter 20, verse 15. It says “If anyone’s name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire.” We have all probably heard this scripture read before. But I had never understood it the way I do now. Francis basically said, If you really believe that, in other words if you really believe that anyone whose name is not written in the book of life is going to spend ETERNITY in hell, then your life should be a reflection of that. Whooooohhhh. If I really believe that every single person in my life who does not know Christ is going to burn in hell, does my life reflect that? Does it measure up? Is it worthy of the manner of the gospel of Jesus? Honestly, no. My life has not reflected that. See, if I really understood that, I could not help but shout the name of Jesus, sharing His love for the woman checking me out at Walmart, the man behind the counter at the bank, the kid sitting next to me in anthropology, the mom of the girl that I nanny for, my own mom! Oh how the Lord broke my heart through what Francis said. I don’t know the beginning of what it means to love people well, to experience persecution for sharing the name of Christ, to sacrifice. Not even a little bit. As the Lord continues to fasten this message to my heart and continues to teach me what it practically looks like to conduct various areas of my life in a manner worthy of the gospel…where when my life is placed on that scale, it measures up to the gospel, my prayer is that I will come to just begin to understand what it means to live a life that displays an understanding of what this Word says. Oh Lord, just break my heart for what breaks yours…continue to speak to me, change me, challenge me, and show me how to conduct my life in a manner worthy of Your Word and your precious Son. That all those around me day to day will look at my life and hear the words of Truth spoken from my lips and know that You are God, that Your Son is Jesus and that in Him is everlasting life…the Only way to everlasting life and wholeness and peace and LOVE.

PASSION 2011

The past five days have been spent in Atlanta, GA to attend the Passion 2011 conference. Throughout the ten hour drive up there, my mind could not help but reflect upon where I was last year at this time. Physically, I was in Atlanta for Passion 2010; spiritually I was confused, bound in chains, and not ready to surrender certain areas of my life to the Cross. What a Faithful God who LOVES me more then I will ever be able to comprehend. Oh He is good, so so good. It is both humbling and beautiful to see the transformation He has brought forth in my life over just a year. Unbelievable really. But I guess it shouldn’t surprise me, considering who He is. And yet I am still in awe of His patience and kindness in my life. So, so gracious is He!


By no means do I have it all together, nor is my life without struggles and sin, yet I do know that One who paid an incomprehensible debt on the Cross to cover it all…for me. What?! Do we really understand what this means? Do we KNOW Him? Do we really know Him? The past few days I was privialged to hear some incredible teachers of the Word—Beth Moore, Louie Giglio, Fancis Chan, John Piper, Andy Stanley, David Platt. It is crazy how God places such incredible knowledge of the Word in their hearts and has gifted each of them to teach in a way that does not really leave much of an option to stay the same upon the conclusion of the message. Worship was incredible and the new Passion 2011 CD blows my mind…God is surely moving in the lives of the artists as well. And of course it is always incredible to participate in giving twords all of these incredible causes in the GO Center at Passion…21,000 broke college kids gave over $1 million in four days…what?! All of it given to further the Kingdom and proclaim Jesus to the nations.

Perhaps it is because this year my life is so completely different from last year or maybe it is because I am at a point where I needed to be challenged, called up and out, and healed in certain areas as well, but this year as I walk away from the past few days, my life is not going to look the same anymore. I refuse to hear what I heard and remain the same person…He has called me, all of us really, to so much more. And one day we will all be accountable to what we hear…all I want to hear is “Well done, good and faithful servant.” So for me, 2011 is a new beginning so to speak, but not because of the new year, but because of the fact that Jesus spoke some incredible Truth into my life through my time at Passion and now I get the privilege of carrying out the things He revealed.

More to come...

Check out the global impact of the college kids at Passion 2011...unfathomable. All the glory to Jesus!
Do you know what 21,000 broke college kids gave?
Check out a bit of the incredible worship on this video...
One of Passion 2011's New Songs!